315- 2017 : a review, and goodbye!

I'm quite happy to see the back of 2017, as, despite many good aspects, it's been a very difficult year, full of so many struggles on so many levels!

314- So, Lulu, when are you going to have kids ?

Although not recently, most of my life I've hard the key question that seems to interest a lot of people : So, Lulu, when are you going to have kids ? I've put off this blog entry for a  very long time, partially because I don't tend to get this question that often anymore, and partially self-censored as this seems to be a hot topic.

313- 52weekgratitude - The end?

I followed 52weekgratitude's from start to end this year, which is more than I thought I would.

Indeed, I believed that I'd give up on it fairly quickly, because I wasn't a very positive person and some days, my struggles with depression made me even more negative. I had to adapt a few of the prompts, but managed the entire challenge !

312- My extended and elected family tree

 

This entry describes the people that I'd include in my family tree, but not in a genealogical sense. 

311- 100 things to be grateful for

52weekgratitude's near the end. For week 51, the prompt are 100 things to be grateful for...
I wasn't sure I could reach 100, but in a few days work and looking at previous posts and other people's for inspiration, I realized that each thing that I added, brought me closer to my goal, which is now complete.

310- Things I've learned in 2017

I'd initially planed this post for the very ending minutes of 2017, but two reasons compelled me to complete it earlier :

The first is my participation in a group post entry on Kay's MH_Stories blog, alongside the other ambassadors ;
The second reason is that this is the very topic of 52weekgratitude's 50th week. 

Thus, I present to you things that I've learned this year, thus far - and if I learn something else of value in the next 2 weeks, I'll either share it alone, or edit this entry. 

309- Daily impacts - Depression

I remind that you that this series is inspired by Jodie's "what it feels like" as seen on her blog.

For this 6th instalment in my daily impacts I'll concentrate on depression, a mental illness I've experienced as long as I can remember - as early as age 5, and, having seen photos of my even younger self, can imagine that I started even before that.

308- Daily Impacts- Mood swings and alterations

This is my 5th entry in daily impacts of mental illnesses. The first was for emeto & 3 other phobias. This series is inspired by Jodie's "what it feels like series" on her blog.

Mood swings and alterations are probably my most permanent and repeated symptoms of cptsd. I alternate between opposite extremes, such as emotional numbing, or hyper-emotional outbursts, or moments of rage switching to total apathy ; and have lived with chronic depression all my life. 

307- Dermatofibroma part 5 : It's a DFSP !

I wished that today would be the very last episode in my Dermatofibroma series, as I went to the dermatologist who retrieved my 8 stitches in just under 2 minutes and I only felt a sharp pain for 5 seconds - which is much better than lat time at the nurse's where I had a panic attack & mostly fainted.

306- CBT4Emeto- 1

I'll try to keep my entries about this particular series of CBT series trigger free, but if you suffer also from emeto, beware of the topic. Therefore, trigger warning always applies in them.

Well, today I had my very first CBT for emeto and my 3 other co-morbidly phobias that go hand in hand with : copro, hemo, and carno-phobias. 

305- Tools for depression & SAD

So, I discussed my struggles with depression in quite a few posts. I know a lot of us suffer from depression, either alone, or as a co-morbidity/part of another mental illness (such as mood disorders, cptsd- which is my case, or any other possible cause for it).

Depression can be an episode, it can be chronic, it can be continuous or it can be limited to specific moments of the year (trauma anniversary, or most commonly, SAD).

304 - 52weekgratitude - 49- Winter

2017 is near its end - already! and we're also on week 49 of this 52weekgratitude, a challenge that is about to go poof at the same time as the year vanishes and merges into the next - one where I'll probably do another challenge instead. 

303- Daily impacts - (c)PTSD

From my cptsd bucketlist, you know that I suffer from several forms of cptsd, which, despite barely scratching the surface of this topic, I have discussed many times all over this blog.

In all those previous entries, I used rather clinical or emotional terms, to describe my traumatic experiences and some of the struggles they caused. 

Today, I want to discuss how all these interact and impact me on a daily, or regular basis.

Before I do that, this is my fourth entry in daily impacts of mental illnesses. The first was for emeto & 3 other phobias. This series is inspired by Jodie's "what it feels like series" on her blog.

302- Another deficiency in B12

This morning, I went alone to the lab for an updated blood-work, to check if a weekly supplementation in B12 is sufficient, or if I have to go back to a daily one. 

301- 52weekgratitude - 48 - (past) Job(s)

I don't currently hold a job, the topic of 52weekgratitude's 48th week, but, I'd like to discuss, quickly, the positive aspects of my previous professional occupation : that of a librarian.

300 - Q & and A

In June, I conducted a week long poll on twitter, where 8 out of 9 people responded they were interested in a q & a for my 300th entry on this blog. 

I posted on twitter and facebook the same image as above, letting you, my readers, ask me questions, which I shall now answer.

299 - CBT for social phobia : an overview

Today was a special day for me, as it's the completion to 25 sessions & 17 months of CbT for social phobia, and marks the end of a cycle and a shift to the next stage of my healing, as well as a preparations for a new CBT.

Indeed, I finished this part of my healing path for social phobia, which I'll continue independently and alone, to perfect what I learned and to further my exposures on a regular basis, until the overall anxiety level reduces even more than it has thus far. 

298 - CBT2017-25 and exposures Nov 6-27

Today was the 25th, and very last CBT session for social phobia. I talked about my exposures of the past 3 weeks and overall progress thanks to the previous 24 sessions, and upcoming solo work for my social exposures, as well as preparations for the next stage of CBT - which will be for emeto and 3 other phobias. 

297 - Dermatofibroma part 4

From the title of this entry, you know the topic. It's the third chapter in my Dermatofibroma, as the first was last month's surgery where half of it was taken and sent to a lab ; the second was the stitches retrieval which was really tough.
The third was lab's answer was an inconclusive testing, requesting that I fix another appointment to get the rest of it out, and this brings us to today. 

296- 52weekgratitude - 47 - Opportunities

 

In this 52weekgratitude's 47th week's post, I had expressed my thanks and gratitude to a few mental health activists who offered me opportunities to engage in spreading awareness through their campaigns.

295 - Visiting An art exhibit

So, today I went to a local art exhibit called carnets de voyage, where 82 different artists and grouped art associations exhibited their art, all with the topic of travel diaries, but also some photography and collected objects.

294- Daily Impacts- Social phobia

This is the third entry in my series of daily impacts of mental illnesses. The first was for emeto & 3 other phobias. This series is inspired by Jodie's "what it feels like series" on her blog.

I explained several causes and types of anxiety that I experience in situations in my bucket-list, 
and my general anxieties here ; which I'll let you read before you come back here.

293- Daily impacts - Anxiety

As usual, I hereby announce a possible trigger warning. But hopefully, it shouldn't be too much. 

A small note on the image used here : it's one that I found online, labeled for reuse. I changed the background color, added my stick figure (my drawing skills aren't very good on the computer) and the text. The 2 in middle of the bridge pertains to second part of daily impacts.
Anxiety is the topic, between the two persons on top of the bridge. 

I explained several causes and types of anxiety that I experience in situations in my bucket-list, which I'll let you read before you come back here.

This is the second entry in my series of daily impacts of mental illnesses. The first was for emeto & 3 other phobias. This series is inspired by Jodie's "what it feels like series" on her blog.

292- I'm super grateful for technologies

Many technologies can be dangerous to use and have occasionally created quite a lot of damage - physical or social, due to technological advancements happening faster than human's capacity to use them with wisdom. However, there are some that can be used efficiently and safely. 

Even though I lost touch with some changes or dislike some of the societal or moral / ethical dilemmas some of them bring, I am thankful for quite a few technological advancements over the years and which I use daily, more or less. 

IT's already week 46 in the 52weekgratitude challenge, and today's subject is evident : Technology. 

291 - Men & mental health project, part 3

The aim of this post is to showcase my men's mental health projects, by showing my questions and my own answers as examples, so others may see what I wish to create.

290 - Men & mental health project, part 2

The projects announced in post 285 are taking form as the days pass. I discussed questions to ask with my wife and , thus far, the first project is on hold as I haven't found collaborators yet and am still in the process of searching for men who could participate; the second through forth projects will take time to gather as they are surveys, and i'll detail everything here after. 

289- 52weekgratitude 45 : Fun

As far as I understand it, what I do for fun  (week 45 in 52weekgratitude challenge) is a redundant topic, as it is close to hobbies (which was week 41) and to my self-care routines. 

So, this will be a short entry, with the sole purpose of redirecting to other entries on these topics.

288 - Oct 6 to Nov 6 exposures and CBT2017-24

Today was the 24th, and last CBT session purely for social phobia. Next one will be the final update to it with the results of my third Liebowitz scale of social anxiety (LSAS) that I'll fill and hand to my therapist in 3 weeks-time. 

287- 52weekgratitude 44 : Holidays

Week 44 of 52weekgratitude is about holidays. 

I don't really like any holiday. Those I do celebrate, I do so in a secular way, to break the monotony of everyday life ; and, I have to admit, to please my wife who likes some of them, especially Halloween for which we sometimes dress up and have makeup and photo shoots, as well as eating squash, but that part is for entire season and I'd eat squashes even if it weren't for any celebration whatever. 

286- blogtober conclusions

October is ending in a few minutes. It's also the end of #blogtober challenge, and for this occasion, I'd like to share my thoughts and what I've learned from this experience.

285- Projects around men and mh

Discussing mental health, stigma and related subjects with my wife, over breakfast this morning reminded me additional reasons why I'm so passionate in blogging about mental health : I'm a non-binary man, who don't man-up, who discusses openly my past experiences, and their lasting long-term effects on my mental and physical healths. 

284- A little dermatological update

Remember I discussed a biopsy I had 2 & half weeks ago ? Well, the dermatologist had stitched me, with the metallic, non-body degradable kind ; a choice I hadn't understood back then, nor today.

As he's away on vacation, I had to go to a local nurse office for the stitches retrieval. I'd taken a full gram of pain killer prior, and I asked my wife to accompany me as I feared a anxious experience.

283- A mentor

A mentor/teacher is the topic of 52weekgratitude's 43rd week that starts today. 
First, I want to mention that I only use the image and meme quoting a wisdom by Mr Spock our of respect, and that I upon research, it seems to fall under the fair use principle. If I'm mistaken and asked to remove, I shall do it. 

282 - A weekend of massive exposures (14-15/10/2017)

This past weekend has been one continuous series of exposures, and I feel quite proud about my progress in socializing.

After several days of shopping and running errands, the weekend arrived. Saturday evening was a friend's 27th birthday, and she had invited everyone as early as a whole month early, through a FB event. As I was struggling a lot with my mental health, especially cptsd and depression, I wasn't sure I could attend it and had told her that it was too early for me to even guess. 

281- 52weekgratitude catchup : 39-42

Another catchup session for 52weekgratitude. 


Here's the breakdown of the past few weeks 

39 my heritage

40 greatest accomplishment

41 Hobbies

42 my favorite possession

280- Daily impacts (1) : CoproCarnoHemoEmeto

Note : once this entry starts, it's 1,542 words 8,420 characters, with multiple trigger warnings.  Please beware that due to the topics at hand, I personally would recommend reading far away from meals. 

This is an expansion of what I wrote (as a last minute piece) for Jodie's what it feels like series. My original text appears on her blog and with her approval, I now post the fuller version which took me over a week to finish. 

It's also a second part to my previous entry about these phobias, and thus could be sub-titled "4 interwoven phobias (part II)". 

279 - Cyclothymia... or ?

I want to discuss a possible mis-diagnosis, and un-diagnosing it as a result. 

Back in 2008, upon reading  this book which I discussed with my first psychotherapist and described my mood swings, she had confirmed that I was suffering from cyclothymia.

However, as my wife wanted to better understand my mood swings, their cause and how to help me, she researched it and knowing me the past 12 years, she just doesn't agree that I may have cyclothymia ; Because, I don't exhibit hypomania nor take huge risks which should come with it, nor ever display a huge self-confidence.

278- Mental health Shout-outs shutdowns

 

Back in June 2016, I had started sharing shout-outs to various mental health bloggers I'd met in twitter MH community. Now, by June 2021, I have lost touch with most of the people I did the shout-out for. Some actually had stopped blogging, retreated from social media ; others used me and I don't feel leaving a shout-out for them on my own blog anymore, as I don't accept some of their actions towards me. 

277- WorldMentalHealthDay 2017

Today's #WorldMentalHealthDay and I thought to share with you some of my renewed wish to spread awareness about mental health, today, and beyond, the rest of the year.

Indeed, like any other cause that received a day, a week or a month, mental health must be talked and discussed openly all year around. We must continue to do so, to break stigmas and taboos ; to be vehicles of societal change. 

276- Aug 21-Oct 6 exposures and CBT2017-23

It has been a super long time since my 22nd CBT session for social phobia. Indeed, it was on August 17, and our initial scheduled 23rd was postponed when my therapist was called as aid to hurricane victims in a French territorial island. 

275- A-Z's of things that make me happy or smile

Expanding on post 202 and taking inspiration of the A-Z of self-care (itself inspired by Meg's ), here's the A to Z's of things that make me happy! 

Before I get into the list, I thank my friend Beth for brain storming words for 3 letters with which I was struggling. 

274- (sorta) Brave at the doc

This morning, I was quite brave, but not fully. 

Indeed, I had an appointment with the dermatologist, to check a mole which had turned color and grown 2 points which worried me a bit. I had seen the GP almost 2 weeks ago, who looked at it and was also concerned at the rapid changes I described, so he wrote a referral letter for my dermatologist and said to make a faster appointment than one initially set for November 23. 

273- Today's Psychotherapy

Today has been a long one, and very productive, as I ran several errands. But the most important part has been my psychotherapy session. 

272- 52weekgratitude catchup 33-38

It’s time to catch up with the 52weekgratitude challenge. My last entry was for week 32, a city I’ve visited. In that case, it was Châtel-Guyon, and its forest where I went to hike with a friend.

271- "Change's always for the best"

**Trigger warning***

I've been told numerous times, including in a recent chat, that "change's always for the best"   and has to be embraced... See, 'it's what we make out of change that is good or bad, but not change''... 

Well, I beg to disagree! I'm really tired of psycho-babble of pseudo-positive mindsets that denies the facts of CPTSD, yet along multiple ones. 

270- B12 deficiency and my mental health

My struggles with mental health don't really ever stop, and on top of everything, I've been anxious and super-stressed about my B12 situation, as I've had a severe deficiency, and doubts as to my body's ability to keep it, lead my GP to prescribe an invasive test, that would've triggered my emetophobia so much that I had postponed it for over 5 years already.

269 - Ebbs & flows of mental illness & health

Mental illnesses naturally ebb and flow. Sometimes I feel functional enough and freer of my illnesses than days where everything seems so heavy that I cannot cope with anything, yet along function adequately. 

Recovery isn't a straight line, and we have moments, periods of short or longer duration, where we stagnate or appear to have regressed, and though these are difficult to go through, we must accept that this particular moment, we aren't okay, but can be later. 

268- Even non-violent nightmares can be stressful

Even non-violent intrusive nightmares can be difficult to deal with.
Indeed, after I got back to bed at 6AM, the reality of my dream was felt in very tangible stress and anxiety, as what I experienced in it felt real.

267- On progress with CBT and exposure

Yesterday we had plans to go to the museum, but the tram had a technical glitch and wasn't running. 

The old me wouldn't have called the friend we were supposed to meet over there. Old Lulu would have gone back home, called and canceled those plans. Even if it meant missing the chance to see an exhibit the museum wasn't going to run again - this would've been the case yesterday, if old me had the reigns of anxiety.

266- My current( and past) depression battles

***Trigger Warning : depression and suicidal ideation *** 

When asked if I'm okay, I tend to answer that I am - that is, if I reply at all. When I do, I usually actually mean that I'm "okay-ish", because I never have a totally good day, because I suffer from chronic depression and a host of other mental illnesses - all, as far as I know, stemming from trauma. 

Sometimes, I manage my depression and alleviate my moods with self-care, mostly listening to music, reading, watching shows or movies, or playing games. Additional self-care tools are hiking and digital photography, and I even have a host of other routines. But, they aren't always enough, and indeed, my struggles against depression have periodically escalated and intensified over the years.