Posts
I remind that you that this series is inspired by Jodie's "what it feels like" as seen on her blog.
For this 6th instalment in my daily impacts I'll concentrate on depression, a mental illness I've experienced as long as I can remember - as early as age 5, and, having seen photos of my even younger self, can imagine that I started even before that.
Indeed, my life began by multiple traumas, including a bitter divorce between my parents ; my father marrying another woman who'd hate my guts throughout my life with them ; and all compounded by his kidnapping me from my mother and uprooting to a different country where I witnessed their many fights, and not seing my real mother for a decade and a half or so.
Further trauma existed, as you can read in the appropriate entries, and so, I think the most natural and one of the first mental illnesses to have developed was depression, which became a chronic condition and a constant battle throughout my life.
To avoid repetition, I'll direct you to a few other entries on the subject of my depression, discussed as early as 20, 60, and then a triple posting, 127 128 & 129, after a few other episodic posts, 'concluded' with 266 (current and past struggles, posted in late August). But, it's not really possible to conclude anything about mental illnesses in general, as the topics are very wide, and thus, posts are equally partial for depression in particular.
The biggest difficulties I experience with depression are those feelings of hopelessness and that fighting against struggles are pointless. Depression is one of those liers in our brain, giving us wrong messages about self-worth, hopelessness and despair ; mingled into a murky sauce where getting up from bed, getting dressed and becoming active are all struggles and warrant tremendous physical and mental efforts to achieve - those same basic acts which are so naturally and easily done when depression isn't there, or is alleviated.
In depression, I sometimes skip meals, as a form of self neglect, because, despite being a foodie, I sometimes forget that I need to eat. It may not be as frequent anymore, but it does occur.
In depression, I often forget my self-care routines, because I neglect my appearance, my skin, my overall look don't mean anything to me, and thus I go out unshaven, in frumpy-whatever-I-picked-first clothes from the closet, and plod on.
Chronic depression is just that : it's there, every day, every moment ; only intensity varies, but it's rare that I feel well, or good, though it happens, evidently. During depression, I forget the good days, they all become meaningless and I cannot see a way our of my hole.
The overall mode is that of recurring episodes of depression, which sometimes overlap. I may be okay-er than some days, but I almost never truly reach a level 0, neutral ; it's usually in the minus.
That is, when I don't also experience mood swings.
But, let me get back to depression itself :
I find it to be extremely exhausting, and chronic fatigue is a possible side-effect. Having to battle and plod on, sometimes forcing the issue, fake it till I make it kind of mentality, are all exhausting.
Depression is like walking blindfolded, with a cap over my brain, deep down in an underground cavern, after having fallen into a chasm. Depression is that sensation that air is so rare - down there, in the undergrounds. I suffocate between and under the lies that my brain manages to convince me on a regular basis - that all resistance is futile, and that I should give up already.
In depression, I walk that underground tunnel, forever seeking for the light to show, and guide me, to the way out - only, I cannot see, due to that damn blindfold on my eyes.
Depression is isolating and silencing illness. During an episode, it's difficult to think rationally and reach out to ask for help - what would be the point if all is hopeless? And if, just if, I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, passing through the opacity of my blindfold, and I think, maybe, just maybe there is hope yet, would anyone even hear me calling from help from the depths of this cave ; or will my voice just reverberate and echo itself through the cave's walls? These questions seem unanswerable during a depressive episode. yet, each time, I have regained my voice, or my hope, or found the way to crawl back towards the surface.
The matter is, how long can I stay near or on top of the surface, when another depressive episode is lurking, waiting to pull me back by the heels, and into the same deep chasms?
Well, I got some tools to get back out of it!
To avoid repetition, I'll direct you to a few other entries on the subject of my depression, discussed as early as 20, 60, and then a triple posting, 127 128 & 129, after a few other episodic posts, 'concluded' with 266 (current and past struggles, posted in late August). But, it's not really possible to conclude anything about mental illnesses in general, as the topics are very wide, and thus, posts are equally partial for depression in particular.
The biggest difficulties I experience with depression are those feelings of hopelessness and that fighting against struggles are pointless. Depression is one of those liers in our brain, giving us wrong messages about self-worth, hopelessness and despair ; mingled into a murky sauce where getting up from bed, getting dressed and becoming active are all struggles and warrant tremendous physical and mental efforts to achieve - those same basic acts which are so naturally and easily done when depression isn't there, or is alleviated.
In depression, I sometimes skip meals, as a form of self neglect, because, despite being a foodie, I sometimes forget that I need to eat. It may not be as frequent anymore, but it does occur.
In depression, I often forget my self-care routines, because I neglect my appearance, my skin, my overall look don't mean anything to me, and thus I go out unshaven, in frumpy-whatever-I-picked-first clothes from the closet, and plod on.
Chronic depression is just that : it's there, every day, every moment ; only intensity varies, but it's rare that I feel well, or good, though it happens, evidently. During depression, I forget the good days, they all become meaningless and I cannot see a way our of my hole.
The overall mode is that of recurring episodes of depression, which sometimes overlap. I may be okay-er than some days, but I almost never truly reach a level 0, neutral ; it's usually in the minus.
That is, when I don't also experience mood swings.
But, let me get back to depression itself :
I find it to be extremely exhausting, and chronic fatigue is a possible side-effect. Having to battle and plod on, sometimes forcing the issue, fake it till I make it kind of mentality, are all exhausting.
Depression is like walking blindfolded, with a cap over my brain, deep down in an underground cavern, after having fallen into a chasm. Depression is that sensation that air is so rare - down there, in the undergrounds. I suffocate between and under the lies that my brain manages to convince me on a regular basis - that all resistance is futile, and that I should give up already.
In depression, I walk that underground tunnel, forever seeking for the light to show, and guide me, to the way out - only, I cannot see, due to that damn blindfold on my eyes.
Depression is isolating and silencing illness. During an episode, it's difficult to think rationally and reach out to ask for help - what would be the point if all is hopeless? And if, just if, I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, passing through the opacity of my blindfold, and I think, maybe, just maybe there is hope yet, would anyone even hear me calling from help from the depths of this cave ; or will my voice just reverberate and echo itself through the cave's walls? These questions seem unanswerable during a depressive episode. yet, each time, I have regained my voice, or my hope, or found the way to crawl back towards the surface.
The matter is, how long can I stay near or on top of the surface, when another depressive episode is lurking, waiting to pull me back by the heels, and into the same deep chasms?
Well, I got some tools to get back out of it!
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