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This is an expansion of what I wrote (as a last minute piece) for Jodie's what it feels like series. My original text appears on her blog and with her approval, I now post the fuller version which took me over a week to finish.
It's also a second part to my previous entry about these phobias, and thus could be sub-titled "4 interwoven phobias (part II)".
Because, as usual, especially with phobias, trigger warning applies, especially if you suffer from any of the 4 phobias I discuss, beware. They are : emetophobia, hemophobia (or blood phobia), corporophobia, and carnophobia. You won't find a term CoproCarnoHemoEmetoPhobia anywhere, as it's the contraction of these 4 interwoven phobias, discussed in this entry and should constitue the first of a series that I decided to call "daily impacts".
"Emetophobia feels like a tremendously difficult illness to deal with, on a daily basis, as
there are so many triggers for it, including from 3 others phobias from which I
suffer. Some activities which seem completely easy to anyone, are beyond my
capacity to handle.
The other phobias that feed into it are hemophobia (=fear
of blood) ; Corporophobia (of fecal matter, and which I thought was called scatophobia, like in french's scarophobie) ; and carno (of cadavers/corpses). (all links go to wiki articles about each phobia.
Their combination feels like that family member you hate and keeps showing up at your home. The unwanted guest that insinuated itself into your life and you cannot get rid of.
Their combination feels frustrating, limiting and damaging.
I'm always frustrated that I suffer this way and that I miss out on a lot of things.
They all get triggered every time I do my shopping in supermarkets and malls, and also plainly in the streets seeing what people don’t pick up after their dogs, or quite frankly, at home, in the WC. I use more toilet paper than the average person, and I often have to avoid public WC's, unless they are very well kept and clean, and never ever use urinals. I prefer to withhold my systems for HOURS instead of facing quite a few public places.
Speaking of dogs, both emeto and corpo were always triggered when we had dogs, especially the second one. At first, I couldn't even pick up after their "#2" but had to learn to do so, at great costs of efforts. When they were being sick, my emeto was triggered a lot, and again, the second dog who was very nervous all the time would get sick really often, and thus I had the most emeto triggers with her. During both experiences with these two dogs, I did have happy days, too, don't get me wrong, but the efforts and triggers did reduce the overall appreciation I could have.
I cannot sort laundry or wash dishes first thing in the morning, nor directly after a meal.
Their combination feels frustrating, limiting and damaging.
I'm always frustrated that I suffer this way and that I miss out on a lot of things.
They all get triggered every time I do my shopping in supermarkets and malls, and also plainly in the streets seeing what people don’t pick up after their dogs, or quite frankly, at home, in the WC. I use more toilet paper than the average person, and I often have to avoid public WC's, unless they are very well kept and clean, and never ever use urinals. I prefer to withhold my systems for HOURS instead of facing quite a few public places.
Speaking of dogs, both emeto and corpo were always triggered when we had dogs, especially the second one. At first, I couldn't even pick up after their "#2" but had to learn to do so, at great costs of efforts. When they were being sick, my emeto was triggered a lot, and again, the second dog who was very nervous all the time would get sick really often, and thus I had the most emeto triggers with her. During both experiences with these two dogs, I did have happy days, too, don't get me wrong, but the efforts and triggers did reduce the overall appreciation I could have.
I cannot sort laundry or wash dishes first thing in the morning, nor directly after a meal.
I cannot clean and drain the sink/ tub, nor the washing machine.
Dirty, still water triggers me a lot, also for draining sinks and tubs.
I cannot look at slimey things, and I cannot stand wet hairs in sinks and tubs.
I hate it and my emeto gets triggered quite often if hair ends up in my mouth when I wash dishes or when I shower.
I also get triggered if I wear anything too tight on my throat, as one of the symptoms is the tightening of the throat already.
I never shower immediately after eating, as even a basic shower often triggers my emeto, for example, when I take those hairs out of the blocking grid at the bottom of the tub.
Anyone being sick in real life or on the screen triggers me, and when I am myself sick, it's difficult to stop, because I self-trigger.
Whenever I go to the trash room to empty our garbage bags, I have to open its door ; wait a moment for the air to change and awful smells to dissipate a bit. I pinch my nose with one hand and go inside to throw away that trash and exit as fast as I can. I breathe again before I go back into the building.
There are many instances where I have to take a still open trash bag, hold it tightly and go close it outside of the building, while I do my ritual with the door.
Once back home, I evidently wash my hands with soap, and disinfect the keys as well, if I touched them after the garbage.
I never ever do any of this just after getting up in the morning, or after any meal. There must be several hours gap between eating and doing any of this trash business. Oh, and I hate doing any of that on the weekend, as the trash isn't taken out of the room for a couple days and the smells overwhelm me.
Still about garbage : I cross the street when there is garbage on the sidewalk.
These combined phobias feel like a waste of time as I have to go the long ways around in stores, avoiding displays of animal cadavres everywhere in all shapes and sizes. I cannot even say or hear words that pertain to animal cadavre meals, yet along see photos. The same goes for the stores which specialize in these (the ones starting with the B letter for instance, all the ones that are similar). I get systematically triggered and had to mute or block many accounts on social media, whilst in any city, I have to know where each of those stores is, and I take huge detours to avoid walking close-by.
There were many instances where extensive research hadn't told me of the existence of such a store, and I'd have to cross the street, and walk really fast to get passed it, but also had, in my youth, times where I had arrived during delivery and I'd faint and/or gotten completely ill at the grotesque sight. I even landed in hospital after I'd completely lost consciousness.
They feel like a waste of time as I have to be slow in dish washing.
Dirty, still water triggers me a lot, also for draining sinks and tubs.
I cannot look at slimey things, and I cannot stand wet hairs in sinks and tubs.
I hate it and my emeto gets triggered quite often if hair ends up in my mouth when I wash dishes or when I shower.
I also get triggered if I wear anything too tight on my throat, as one of the symptoms is the tightening of the throat already.
I never shower immediately after eating, as even a basic shower often triggers my emeto, for example, when I take those hairs out of the blocking grid at the bottom of the tub.
Anyone being sick in real life or on the screen triggers me, and when I am myself sick, it's difficult to stop, because I self-trigger.
Whenever I go to the trash room to empty our garbage bags, I have to open its door ; wait a moment for the air to change and awful smells to dissipate a bit. I pinch my nose with one hand and go inside to throw away that trash and exit as fast as I can. I breathe again before I go back into the building.
There are many instances where I have to take a still open trash bag, hold it tightly and go close it outside of the building, while I do my ritual with the door.
Once back home, I evidently wash my hands with soap, and disinfect the keys as well, if I touched them after the garbage.
I never ever do any of this just after getting up in the morning, or after any meal. There must be several hours gap between eating and doing any of this trash business. Oh, and I hate doing any of that on the weekend, as the trash isn't taken out of the room for a couple days and the smells overwhelm me.
Still about garbage : I cross the street when there is garbage on the sidewalk.
These combined phobias feel like a waste of time as I have to go the long ways around in stores, avoiding displays of animal cadavres everywhere in all shapes and sizes. I cannot even say or hear words that pertain to animal cadavre meals, yet along see photos. The same goes for the stores which specialize in these (the ones starting with the B letter for instance, all the ones that are similar). I get systematically triggered and had to mute or block many accounts on social media, whilst in any city, I have to know where each of those stores is, and I take huge detours to avoid walking close-by.
There were many instances where extensive research hadn't told me of the existence of such a store, and I'd have to cross the street, and walk really fast to get passed it, but also had, in my youth, times where I had arrived during delivery and I'd faint and/or gotten completely ill at the grotesque sight. I even landed in hospital after I'd completely lost consciousness.
They feel like a waste of time as I have to be slow in dish washing.
I cannot watch certain shows or movies, due to bloody, gory aspects, nor
toilet jokes and quite a few other things that I cannot see due to these
phobias. Medical shows are out of the question, but even medical procedures in sci-fi, dramas or comedies are too much for me, and I hide away from every single birth scene and surgeries in movies and shows that I do watch.
The same goes about procedural shows where crime scenes and/or medical examiner offices are visited ; I don't watch the crime, nor portions of investigations, to which I only listen - while having a hand, my dish, or knees, hiding the entire screen.
The same goes about procedural shows where crime scenes and/or medical examiner offices are visited ; I don't watch the crime, nor portions of investigations, to which I only listen - while having a hand, my dish, or knees, hiding the entire screen.
Can you think of the movies and shows in the past 15 years or so and how the huge majority of them have been extra bloody and extra gory ? from fantasy to cop shows to sci-fi to drama and biopics, everything has been a lot more graphic, and my fragile self cannot see them due to their violence, and the effects my phobias have on me as they get triggered.
I need to ask my wife to screen things for me, to make sure what I can watch, or to tell me when to hide ; but when the majority of a show/movie is graphic, I must avoid it completely.
I need her also to accompany me to those few medical appointments where I may faint : labs for blood work, or doctors where I have a small operation.
The same way, I cannot go to the dentist where I am systematically triggered every time. Past experienced left me traumatized and I would much prefer to be fully anaesthetised for teeth working, but since that doesn't happen for us humans, (and there is risk) my appointments have been spaced and the last one was several years ago.
Speaking of teeth : I brush them a full hour after eating and a full hour before I have to lay down. Otherwise, I'm in grip of severe indigestion brought on by emeto.
I need her also to accompany me to those few medical appointments where I may faint : labs for blood work, or doctors where I have a small operation.
The same way, I cannot go to the dentist where I am systematically triggered every time. Past experienced left me traumatized and I would much prefer to be fully anaesthetised for teeth working, but since that doesn't happen for us humans, (and there is risk) my appointments have been spaced and the last one was several years ago.
Speaking of teeth : I brush them a full hour after eating and a full hour before I have to lay down. Otherwise, I'm in grip of severe indigestion brought on by emeto.
My aforementioned phobias are so
interwoven and easily triggered, that my daily life is highly impacted, and I
currently have very few coping tools such as :
Spraying the WC disinfectant/deodorizer (homemade with essential oils) ; looking at a poster in the restroom, or most often, running to the window to breathe fresh air, or listening to music when I wash dishes, or usually, getting triggered and facing sides effects of anxiety and avoidance.
In my triggering process, my symptoms can be any one or all of the following symptoms, in ni particular chronological order :
Revulsion, tightening of the throat, nausea, dizziness (especially for hemophobia), anxiety, panic attack, or full blown (TW !!!) throwing up.
Sometimes, I also experience a steep drop in my blood pressure, additionally to or instead of hypothermic shock. My face turns pale, and I can faint. These occur with my hemophobia as well as carnophobia.
Spraying the WC disinfectant/deodorizer (homemade with essential oils) ; looking at a poster in the restroom, or most often, running to the window to breathe fresh air, or listening to music when I wash dishes, or usually, getting triggered and facing sides effects of anxiety and avoidance.
In my triggering process, my symptoms can be any one or all of the following symptoms, in ni particular chronological order :
Revulsion, tightening of the throat, nausea, dizziness (especially for hemophobia), anxiety, panic attack, or full blown (TW !!!) throwing up.
Sometimes, I also experience a steep drop in my blood pressure, additionally to or instead of hypothermic shock. My face turns pale, and I can faint. These occur with my hemophobia as well as carnophobia.
Next month, after my CBT for social phobia will end, my therapist will start working with me on these particular phobias.
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