269 - Ebbs & flows of mental illness & health

Mental illnesses naturally ebb and flow. Sometimes I feel functional enough and freer of my illnesses than days where everything seems so heavy that I cannot cope with anything, yet along function adequately. 

Recovery isn't a straight line, and we have moments, periods of short or longer duration, where we stagnate or appear to have regressed, and though these are difficult to go through, we must accept that this particular moment, we aren't okay, but can be later. 


What many people don't seem to understand, is that despite therapy, medication for those who take them, we are not getting better in a progressive and linear way. Despite human experience of linear time, our health doesn't go from point A to B to C to D and eventually Z, in a straight line. Instead, we borrow deviations, curve around paths, often unmarked, muddy and rocky. We don't pretend to be okay one day and pretend not to be on the next, to attract attention or get out of situations. We are actually okay when we ARE okay. I say that in caps, because we often appear okay, or may say that we are, when we aren't. 

In the first case, we appear, but you don't usually see our mental illnesses. A lot of them are invisible. What can be seen is the tip of an iceberg : symptoms that we cannot hide, in our actions, facial expressions, or body language, twitches and so on.

In the second case, due to a lot of societal stigma, we sometimes fall in the trap of self-stigmatization. We say that we are okay, because we have been told to be quiet, not to stir and make others feel awkward and uncomfortable as to how to "deal" with us, and our illness/es. 
Sometimes, we feel ashamed, or that we are bothering others, so we self stigmatize, and suffer in silence. 

A third case, sometimes, we say that we are okay, out of denial at our condition. We WANT to be okay, so we say that we are. 

Outside of those cases, if we ARE okay one moment, but not the next, it's because our non-linear recovery has taken a bad turn - maybe it hit one of those bumps on the path, or maybe our metaphorical boat broke down/ toppled in the sea... 
Maybe in another moment's time - given the lapse to regain our composure, control of the situation, and we fixed our metaphorical boat and can ride those stormy waters again. 

Maybe we need help to regain the shores, but we at least need your understanding that we logically want to get better, to recover and heal, but that our mental illnesses ebbs and flows ; and that with them, our mental health, and capacity to function are variable.