314- So, Lulu, when are you going to have kids ?

Although not recently, most of my life I've hard the key question that seems to interest a lot of people : So, Lulu, when are you going to have kids ? I've put off this blog entry for a  very long time, partially because I don't tend to get this question that often anymore, and partially self-censored as this seems to be a hot topic.


The truth is, I've never wanted to be a father. As far as I can recall my first approach of this topic, as early as age 10, I had already decided I'd never want to have children.

Back then, I could imagine the possibility of eventually adopting, once I'd have grown up to an adult age and far away from my miserable existence. (read all about my trauma elsewhere in the blog. Keywords cptsd, cult, trauma, DV, and more). 

Back then, and as I grew a bit older, I intellectualised by realizing the following: 

• I saw how deprived I was in life, and didn't want to become a copy of my father 
• Though I had no word for it, I  I knew I couldn't deal with changing diapers 

As I grew even older, into adult life :

• I knew I couldn't deal with anxiety as a papa-poule (father-hen), worrying about my kid's welfare
• I knew I didn't want to bring another child to a world I only saw as dangerous, for most of my life 
• I thought of adopting to help a child grow with a loving parent (that was before I even met the person who became my wife) 

In time, I kept these reasons and expanded them, even if my viewpoints changed in some respects, I still don't ever want to bring another child to a world that is already rather full of billions of us and in dire need of ressources. Not that I'm against parents who do that, but I don't feel the need to be a statistical probability in keeping the human race afloat - it does it already. 

I don't feel the need to extend myself to a child, teach and raise with my values and always fear that the rebellious phase of their life they'd turn away from them and worry me with bad associations.

In fact, as I learned more about mental illness, and how it is so present in my lineage, I wouldn't want the high risks of my child being born with struggles that I have barely managed. I feel I wouldn't be up to the task of helping, even if am capable of helping friends, it's very different when it might have been my kid.

Even IF, and it was a BIG IF, I had adopted, my worries about anxiety, emeto-coprophobia triggers, worries about raising, and, frankly, the lack of energy as I aged and still battling rebuilding my life after my traumas, and fighting against a couple dozen mental illnesses, I couldn't deal with.

Also, I feel entitled to have my life without having to take care of a human child. I hate to be around most these kids who aren't even mine, and cannot deal with their noise, caprices and spurts of growth - physically and emotionally exhausted to just think about it. 

In essence, even if I'm a rather generous person towards friends, I still prefer to rebuilding my own life, and to be a bit selfish in regards to taking care of human progeny. There are far more difficulties ahead as a father - emotionally, psychologically, financially, ecologically - than I can see any possible positives about it. 

I still recall some of my ex-friends who, in one breathe, would complain about their kids and their role as parents, and ask me "so, when will you have kids" and to my answer "never, only fur-babies", the rebuttal would be "oh you'll change your mind!!" in the most emphatic and quick responses, don't you forget, just a second after having passed an hour or two or three complaining about their own issues as parent! 

I find it rude to hear this question, as if it matters to others what I do with my reproductive system, and the reasons I got married. 

Well, you know what ? I haven't changed my mind!! The reasons I got married are our own, and have nothing to do with socio-cultural nor religious pressures of marriage for procreation under divine guidance and god's gaze - because he/it/she doesn't exist, and never has - outside of human imagination. If you want so much to be a parent, it's your life, so please let me live my own as a child-free person. 

I don't ever wish to procreate. The human race is big as it is. Now that I'm over 40, am glad that the one person I ended up with also doesn't wish to have kids. It solves any possible issues about this topic right from the start, as we see eye to eye - and we have far more detailed reasoning than I went into in this blog entry.