293- Daily impacts - Anxiety

As usual, I hereby announce a possible trigger warning. But hopefully, it shouldn't be too much. 

A small note on the image used here : it's one that I found online, labeled for reuse. I changed the background color, added my stick figure (my drawing skills aren't very good on the computer) and the text. The 2 in middle of the bridge pertains to second part of daily impacts.
Anxiety is the topic, between the two persons on top of the bridge. 

I explained several causes and types of anxiety that I experience in situations in my bucket-list, which I'll let you read before you come back here.

This is the second entry in my series of daily impacts of mental illnesses. The first was for emeto & 3 other phobias. This series is inspired by Jodie's "what it feels like series" on her blog.


Anxiety is always overwhelming when it's there - and it often is. It's either in the background or just above. It's like a storm, hitting from all directions. 

GAD or generalised anxiety disorder, feels like I'm on top of a burning bridge that is crumbling and falling into the void, and my hair is on fire. There is no imagined "we'll cross the bridge later when we get to it". 

From my Cptsd's, I developed hyper-awareness, and this, in GAD is expressed as being constantly on red alert - just like those times the Enterprise sensors automatically announce danger, even and especially the one that isn't even present. 

The daily impacts of anxiety have been usually a high level of stress, fear of unpleasant events, and any imagined horrible outcomes to situations appear as vivid experience in live mode. 
That's why my stress levels soar and remain always just half a mm from the surface, ready to erupt at the slightest change in any given situation. 

The impact of anxiety on my daily life is also that sensation that something wrong is probably about to occur. I may be caught in an onslaught of emotions, I may be caught in a traffic jam and be late to an appointment or just miss a correspondance.

Health anxieties take shape as I fear a small illness will worsen or that I actually have something already far gone. Anxiety anticipation of something, say a pain, takes an immediate form. I twitch at the mere idea of a needle or a medical procedure about to start, that I experience anxiety and often panic even before anything came close to my skin - or my eye, or anything else for that matter. 

A worry is like a picnic to anxiety. Anxiety is so much more than that. It's imagining awful scenarios both to myself and to those I love. Whenever someone I love travels or is out at night, especially my wife, I worry about them and need to be reassured they are safe and arriving to their destination, or back home. When my wife travelled alone to concerts, I kept the 2 phones and the PC ready to check alternative routes if she'd text/call to say she was lost- which had happened indeed a couple times. 
When she flew back to the USA for visits, I had to track her flights, and worried not only for her safety but for her well being as I knew she had trouble walking (especially up and down the stairs). I remained up until late (over 2AM) and would get up every 30-45 minutes to awake my sleeping computer to check for updated flight info and messages of arrival.

So, what are my symptoms? 

In general, anxiety wells really fast, and with it, my breathing shortens, my heart speeds up, and in some cases, I break a sweat. I usually feel tightness in my chest, in my stomach, and in worse cases, nausea - which isn't good at all as I suffer from emetophobia as well. In those case, my appetite goes away ; I cannot eat, and think that I cannot drink either, but often, water does actually help me calm down.

Sometimes, that chest tightness remains for weeks, where it feels like I actually have a wooden plate instead of a human chest. 

Emeto and only partial teeth/mouth hygiene aside, anxiety often causes recurring stress ulcers on the sides of my mouth, and they can be quite painful the first few days. 

Anxiety feels like walls are closing in from all directions. Every day, I have to remember to take a breathe, and to relax, and to consciously exercise grounding into reality that that bridge is miles and days away from me... 

Anxiety is like time standing still. Thoughts go into a loop of fast panic images of doom, but that I'm also on an endless microsecond, where all anxious thoughts converted into a raging storm of emotions where I cannot see a door out, or a "later" where I will be okay - thought outside of this panicky stream, I intellectually know it will be okay and that an attack typically lasts only seconds or minutes, but in an anxious storm, we tend to forget this relativity. 

If anxiety catches me unexpectedly, I tend to get quite dizzy and if I don't hold on to something, I may very well fall. 

Anxiety and panic attacks are often accompanied by a sudden drop in blood pressure ; 

Anxiety is exhausting. My brain tires much faster with it, and my body aches and threatens to go into a winter's sleep. 

Each person who suffers from anxiety may experience similar or very different symptoms. It's a very relative and personal experience. 

What can be done when we experience anxiety / panic ? 

In time, I acquired small coping mechanisms to reduce anxiety. It's not much, but any small bit can help. 

As I said above, drinking water can alleviate anxiety, and in a few moments, calm me down. I drink it slowly, and that action is similar to breathing exercises that so many have suggested doing, but I keep forgetting. While doing any of these, you actually take a break from the anxious feelings, as you are busy counting breathes or slowly gulping water. 

In social situations, I had recourse to this lip balm that my wife had melted, into which she added lavender essential oil, and let it solidify back into this small container. I'll discuss the daily impacts of social phobia elsewhere, but this flask helped to concentrate on act of taking it out and smelling, instead of the entire situation I was feeling anxiety/panic. 

Waiting for it to end, or going outside, or breathing fresh air at the window when I couldn't actually go out have been my most usual ways of dealing with anxiety, when I couldn't avoid the causal situation. 

In some cases, I listen to music. 

I was advised to resume meditation and grounding, relaxation and mindfulness. I tried a bit, and should do more. 

There are so many other techniques offered online, I'll let you search. 
In some cases, medication can be helpful. I never took any, but notice an improvement when I don't drink too much coffee, and drink some relaxing herbal teas (verbena, melissa, and others). I'll have a whole separate post for this. 

Is anxiety/panic a fatality we must deal with and shall always have for the rest of our life?

CBT helped my social phobia, by gradual exposures to social situations. I'm sure that CBT and/or other types of therapy can also help, and in any rate, coping skills, a trusted person's presence to calm you down, and in general, knowing the ways in and out of any place can alleviate some of the tension that anxiety exerts over our brains and bodies. 

In time, patience, most often support, and a lot of self kindness are massively important tools to reduce, recover, possibly heal from anxiety disorders. Even in cases of extreme GAD and having to deal with it the rest of our lives, they don't have to be as powerful, and we can get better coping with them.