268- Even non-violent nightmares can be stressful

Even non-violent intrusive nightmares can be difficult to deal with.
Indeed, after I got back to bed at 6AM, the reality of my dream was felt in very tangible stress and anxiety, as what I experienced in it felt real.



I was walking the streets with my wife, talking with her on our way to some grocery shopping. Just as I mentioned my father in a reply to her query, he appeared further up the street, walking towards us, with his most menacing look ever. I immediately was seized with panic and dashed away just after telling my wife I'd be in touch later.

I walked very quickly and turned around the corner, to see a narrow opening in a 3-story building, which I climbed immediately, quickly but silently up the narrow stairs, all the way to the top, where I sought refuge. 

All the way up, I could feel the pounding of my heart and tightening in the pit of my stomach, as my panic grew and my flight mode was engaged as a self-preservation. At the top, I found 2 small entries to people's apartments, through weed infested gardens. I borrowed one, entered and stammered as I tried to explain to a little girl to remain quiet as I needed to hide here, all the whilst trying to avoid telling her the reasons. She complied, and let me huddle between stone walls and bushy tall grass, where I remained quite a while, listening, and ready to pounce to attack my father in self-defense. 

As he never showed up, and night was falling, I slowly got up from my hiding corner, and made way to exit the building. I met with the girl's mother, and told her how her daughter had let me stay as I needed to hide, but I still gave very little information, as I needed to go back home. 

For some odd reason, as I walked out of the building, I saw a pile of my cloths, including my jeans, and found my cellphone in the back pocket - showing that I had missed many calls and texts from my wife, worried as to my whereabouts. I saw no reason why my cloths would be in this pile as I was still dressed, but I moved on, rushing home where I told my wife what had happened and made an agreement on ways to remain in touch, through mutual friends, should this ever happen again. 

And then... I woke up in real life, realizing that it had only been an intrusive nightmare. 

I know that even though I haven't been in touch with my father for the past 12 years, the mere fact I am learning to challenge all the emotional and intellectual religious indoctrination that I was subjected to for so many years, have left me vulnerable and fragile as the emotional damage is quite severe and I am bound to have such nightmares. 

I don't find it too difficult to interpret the dream itself, though it's not precisely about my religious upbringing, but more about the physical abuse that I experienced.

Indeed, the visual threat of my dad coming towards me was merely in his menacing face. He didn't appear like his real present self would be -a greyer old man, but one in the prime of his life, the way I recall him when I was much younger, seing his black bushy hair and beard, and his menacing eyes and scowling, angry facial expression. 

The little girl (about 8-9 years old in my nightmare) represents my younger self- and I have in fact often felt safer with my feminine aspects than my masculine ones, as well as safer with women than with men, a very logical result from years of abuse from my father.

I kept this girl's innocence by not telling her why I needed to hide, and she never replies verbally. Her eyes are the ones who told me "it's okay, you can hide here and be safe". 

In my need for safety, my subconscious erected this narrow looking building and stairs, probably because there is less safety in open spaces and large stairs. In these narrow corridors and stairs, I could see anyone coming up, to prepare myself, just as much when I hid between the walls and the plants. 

In prior nightmares, I was fleeing through dense and dark forests. In some of them, I had also fought back in very gory and bloody sword fights against my father's attacks, no longer only victimized but also responding to save my life. 
The only characters tended to be the two of us. 

But, in this particular nightmare, I wasn't alone - I was with my wife, and then a girl, and then saw her again when I spoke to her mother, and finally back with my wife.  I was in a city, and then in a building, and despite this, my mind created plants, albeit shabby looking and in state of wild growth. Instead of trees, there were bushes, weeds and tall grass, tall enough to hide in by crouching. 

The girl's mother probably represents that form of authority that I am more at ease with, the adult who can understand and to whom I explained very briefly the reasons why I was hiding, thanking for her hospitality on my way out. 

As you can see, even non-violent content can be quite difficult to deal with emotionally, and physically. The tightness in my stomach became real as I woke up, and it took me a good hour before I could eat my breakfast. I had only managed to drink my coffee earlier than that.

The stress and panic mode took physical shape in my reality, once I regained it. Although I often wish my recovery would be faster, I also know that it takes a while, and will take many years before I can function properly and distance myself enough to reduce the frequency of these nightmares. 

Complex PTSD is far more difficult to heal from, as traumas are so vividly and repeatedly entrenched within my psyche. The damages are multiple, and I must accept that by definition, recovery from these takes a LOT of time, and therefore, I must be patient, kinder to myself, and continue working actively towards this goal, by questioning and unravelling all my conditioning.