271- "Change's always for the best"

**Trigger warning***

I've been told numerous times, including in a recent chat, that "change's always for the best"   and has to be embraced... See, 'it's what we make out of change that is good or bad, but not change''... 

Well, I beg to disagree! I'm really tired of psycho-babble of pseudo-positive mindsets that denies the facts of CPTSD, yet along multiple ones. 


I have to try and bite my tongue so I don't create a dramatic incident in my replies, but I've heard enough of those positive ostrich-head-in-the-sand with emphatic statements, that I must address once and for all.

Indeed, as a 3 year old, my parents divorced. At 4, my father managed to kidnap me from my mother after a first failed attempt, and brought me to a whole other country. What was positive about that change ? See, it's not how I embraced that whole damn thing, it's the fact it almost cost my life on numerous occasions, and how I was subjected to repeated traumas that I wish on no one... And that yet, I am not the only person to ever experience that, quite the contrary! 

It's not how I was surrounded by great people with sympathetic ears and humane offers of help. Yes, I did meet, eventually, people who helped, but I wasn't supported as no one knew.

See, if you read my blog thus far, you know part of what I'm saying : I experienced the trauma of growing up in a religious cult, with psycho-emotionally abuse, depersonalization, conditioning ; I suffered the kidnapping and it's numerous results, like a river than spans into a myriad other currents. 

I witnessed domestic violence, and political upheaval, missing or surviving terror attacks, or personal attacks by few moments. 

It's never thanks to any of them that I grew to be the person I am ; it's not thanks the trauma that I managed some positivity in life. 

It's thanks to my own strength in the face of them. Despite my trauma, but never thanks to them.

It's also thanks to the very few people who helped me when I needed, and didn't even know the details of my circumstances. They showed generosity and kindness that saved my life. 

If it hadn't been for them, my traumas would have killed me. Simple as that.

But, there are so many side effects and repercussions, that I must insist that these traumas weren't positive :

I suffer from about 25 or so mental illnesses. Some of them debilitate me. I get triggered by the siltiest of things and sometimes with no apparent cause. 

My cptsd alone comes with a host of emotional bagage, difficulties in friendships and intimacy, compounded by co-dependency issues as well as separation anxiety, ptsd of abandonnement, terrorism ptsd, domestic violence ptsd, abuse and neglect. 
These cptsd's symptoms include and alternate between states of emotional numbing, dissociation, hyper-vigilance (resulting in GAD), flashbacks that come with no warning and can hit me anywhere, anytime, in multitude of levels and intrusive nightmares with graphic gory details that add to my hemophobia (phobia of blood). 

Apart for that, I also a host of phobias, hemophobia and 3 other ones being the worst as they are constantly there and never ever give me a break : copro, emeto, and carno-phobias. 

Social events have been difficult to manage to say the least, and it's only thanks to 15 months of CBT and exposures that I'm able to reduce my avoidance and enjoy *some* socializing.

Additionally, I suffer from chronic depression, coupled with cyclothymia. 

Oh yes, it's how I embrace my repeated and continuous traumas - I counted at least 4 types above! - and the changes they forced on me.

It's also about everyone that was so nice to me in these experiences : the douchebag of a human who should have been my father, but was the one to hurt me the most. His excuse ? He heard GOD speak to him, giving him the mission of the most humane and noble nature : saving humanity from ignorance of god. Give me a damn break, will you. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about this man, not one iota of quality. He's as murky as it gets in his abuse of others, including my mother and my step-mother, of all his disciples to whom he promisses eternal life int the everlasting bliss of his god, himself, as he's a douchebag of a specific kind : the lazy narcissist-schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur  because he's so darn small, etc etc. 

Yet, he convinces everyone that he's so special, and in my youth and a good portion of my adulthood, had convinced me that he had all the power in the world to smite me with his everlasting wrath if I ever disobeyed him, with such a death threat that I really thought he would do me all kinds of additional harm.

My traumas and any change are systematically positive because it's how we embrace it and grow from it in pain...  #sarcasm (I may not always get it from others, but I sure can use it and I shall, like the best sword in Middle Earth, Vvardenfell, or Cyrodiil...)

I only discussed my own case, but what would you say about change in much worse cases ? The changes that actually do cost lives or make them even far more traumatic than mine ? There are far too many examples in our world to name them, but seriously, no victims of physical abuse, torture, war trauma, rape, forced pregnancy, barbaric religious practices of all sorts, and many other barbaric acts some humans put others into are positive changes... not in the slightest.. they are the sources of all our human social injustices, pain and suffering, and countless deaths where millions cannot even say "but I survived it and made something positive out of this change" as it was terminal...

The same goes to illnesses and certain disasters that can be explained scientifically and that we may heal from wounds, illnesses and disasters, but the changes forced on us in themselves aren't positive either. 

Some changes are developing a new mental or physical illness. Some are dictators and political changes that are good only for those who profit, but not to most individuals. 

Change is inevitable, and that's the only thing that can be agreed upon. 

But please, spare me the pseudo-positive psycho-babble, get your head out of the sand, and look at reality : sometimes life and some changes aren't all nice and great. Please don't disrespect the suffering all trauma sufferers go through on daily basis, not to mention the countless dead. 


Thank you