266- My current( and past) depression battles

***Trigger Warning : depression and suicidal ideation *** 

When asked if I'm okay, I tend to answer that I am - that is, if I reply at all. When I do, I usually actually mean that I'm "okay-ish", because I never have a totally good day, because I suffer from chronic depression and a host of other mental illnesses - all, as far as I know, stemming from trauma. 

Sometimes, I manage my depression and alleviate my moods with self-care, mostly listening to music, reading, watching shows or movies, or playing games. Additional self-care tools are hiking and digital photography, and I even have a host of other routines. But, they aren't always enough, and indeed, my struggles against depression have periodically escalated and intensified over the years.
My difficulties grew in the past 8 or so years, in stages. First, there was the end of a 3-year job contract that was really tough. Then, came lack of activities, further complicated by physical ailments (I'd fallen a bunch of times and had to limp for quite a while). 

Multiple griefs, and a mental breakdown 3 years ago have all made my struggles very difficult to maintain, as my mental health deteriorated, and every single mental illness from which I suffer showed its face, all at once, at full volume. 

Despite relative progress, my C-PTSD, along its many symptoms, alternating between opposite extremes, such as emotional numbing, or hyper-emotional outbursts (exacerbating my cyclothymia), or moments of rage switching to total apathy, my trauma is still very much present. I have intrusive thoughts and nightmares, or flashbacks, albeit less intense than those I had a few years ago. 

As time passes, and I age, my confidence in my personal abilities have greatly diminished, all except my coping skills in social situations, because I have been going to CBT and had incremental exposures, without which I know for a fact, and without a shadow of a doubt, that I'd be in a much worse situation that I am in - I'd be a recluse, and my depression would be even deeper. 

My professional project to find a new job in a different field had been possibilities I could envision a few years ago, but the further I go, the less I trust that my professional abilities will ever be enough in the face of younger people's applications, and that I'd be denied access, because I'm now middle-aged. All prospects scare me a great deal, and add to my depression.

I can also see how a midlife or identity crisis I've been experiencing ever since my breakdown have affected me. I lost parts of myself, and 3 years later I can barely explain why, but still cannot see their outcomes. 

In parallel, I realized that the person I am and have been, have always depended on my trauma-based mental illnesses, and therefore, I cannot really imagine who I would be in recovery, nor do I find it easy to define what this recovery would be for me - apart for my social phobia, as discussed in this post. 

Part of my trauma have been that of depersonalization and conditioning in a religious cult. A part of my recovery took the form of finding logical thinking, stopping to believe all the nonsense my brain had been force-fed, and becoming an atheist. 

But, in the process, I have also lost parts of myself, including hope for improvement in my conditions, and losing blind faith in meaning to my life. In short, I started to shift from blind beliefs in supernatural and magical beings to the universe itself giving purpose in my past, to a lack of goal in my life, with nihilistic tendencies - which were rather alien to me for most of my life. 

I thought I could recover, heal and thrive, growing older but less damaged later than my current and past. During my worse depressive episodes, I don't even see myself growing old, lacking any possible future. This has been the case on many occasions in the past few years. 

I used to believe that I could heal and make a difference in the world, by spreading kindness and raising awareness. "Now", I don't even see the point in that... I fear that my nihilistic tendencies and depression would overtake me one day, and I'd follow in the footsteps of other sufferers... (I say now, in quotes, because these were my feelings yesterday & night before). 

Until now, I haven't said it clearly, but I have been battling suicidal ideation for most of my life, at least since the age of 5, when my life took a radical traumatic turn. Now, over 3 decades later, these have always remained more or less in my shadows, and as time passes, my grip has loosened, and I feel like my coping skills have never been so fragile.

Seing my mental health deteriorate so much haven't given me much hope in recovery, furthered my depression, especially since I feel like my life is a series of monotonous routines, from which I see no way out. 

I used to tell you that I was fine, and I thought I was. But, I was deluding myself, just like when I thought I was undergoing mystical/metaphysical experiences which were part of my "new-age" and cult upbringing, and understood some time ago, in retrospect, that they were all mere illusions and psychotic episodes. That realization in itself was quite difficult. 

I really thought I was getting better, and the reality of it is that I am not. I am sinking further down the pit, and its darkness leers at me, and I fear it. 

I have been attending twitter chats, such as talkmh and posimh, to get support for my mental health issues, and to "fake it till I make it", but alongside my denial, I also self-stigmatised, refusing to admit to my friends and acquaintances the ugly truths of my battles with depression. I tried to avoid thinking about it, and to wait it out, but I fear it doesn't really do the disappearing trick. For a real recovery, I must work and fight, after admitting both to myself and to you, that I am struggling - and to see a point in continued and renewed efforts for this goal. 

Just as much as I easily and willingly offer support to others, I must learn to ask for it when I need, and to say when I don't feel well. I must follow my own advice, the one I always give "you" when I say that it's important to reach out when you need...

Part of my problem, is finding equal, well-balanced relationships, where I can ask for support and actually get it - which I have received from a certain number of friends, but far from always. Most of the time, I have been in 1-sided friendships, where I offer, but in the rare times that I have asked, I seldom received help. 

Just like my first CBtherapist had pointed out - the only thing I learned from him - was that my life-long battle that had been compounded with other mental illnesses, especially cptsd, social phobia, and avoidance, have all fed my depression in such a way that it became a recurrent problem, as I have lived through many episodes, and he warned me that relapses occur in a huge % of the cases...  Although I like to be informed, I think his wording wasn't very conducive to a positive outlook, and has been on my mind... 

Indeed, how many times can I fight this battle, temporarily win, and one day, just give up on it all ? I know that particular therapist wasn't a positive influence, and that I changed to another, much more helpful. At times, I still listen to the bad thoughts that my brain gives me, instead of any other voice of reason, tempered and seasoned with logic that recovery from mental illnesses isn't a straight line, and that I can have many relapses from which I ought to get back up, and try again. 

A couple nights ago, my struggles with depression have been quite severe and my desperation was utter. The episode was one of the most affecting I have had to deal with. 
Today, I feel a bit better. But, for how long?  The ugly face of my depression is that even when I think I'm okay, I often am not, and then it hits me again, and again, and again.

I usually finish my posts on a positive note, but although I feel less horrible than 2 nights ago, I'm still fragile and my vantage point is still on the verge of an abyss that I'm trying not to look at, at this very moment. 

For the moment, I am safe in respect of my ideation, as I have reasons to live. So, that can be, at least partially, my positive ending note to this entry.