222 - Park exposures March 2017

In the past couple weeks, I've managed to go read in a local park a bit more often , as part of my exposure regime. Exposures in the park aren't easy for me, even though I love the decoration, flowers, and looking at the birds inhabiting it. 

Indeed, I feel quite anxious around people, I feel their eyes on my odd looks, or what scrutinize what I do... I don't tend to have similar hobbies to other people of my city, and men in general. 

221- My hobbies

#30dayblogchallenge, day 23 : my hobbies. 

As stated elsewhere, my hobbies have generally been those of an introvert, especially since I suffer from social phobias and many situations were sources of anxieties. 

In my spare time, I practice digital photography as an artistic activity ; it's a good tool to express myself through the eye of the lens and snaps of a moment keep it frozen for later recollections. It helps me share with friends who don't live close-by and offer them a visual tourism of places, or just to show local nature's beauties.  

220- A big accomplishment

A few days ago, I saw Jodie's post about an upcoming campaign, requesting answers to 5 questions - with the prospect of it appearing online for everyone to read. 
I usually avoid such campaigns, due to my paranoia that my dad would find me. 

219- Super powers!

Rule number one in imagining an absolute super power to have, is to have a big picture! Yes, for this to work one cannot stop at a simple super power, I want them, I want them all! 

Alright, but, seriously, what super powers would I want.. first ? and Why ? 

218- 5 Qualities & 5 Flaws

In this post, I'm merging two challenges together, because they share something in common, it's 
Day 19 of #30dayblogchallenge - naming 5 qualities & 5 flaws
Week 12  of 52weekgratitude  - naming my favorite personality trait. Now, this is only a prolongation of week 10, which was to list 5 things I like about myself. 

217- Highs and lows of the past year of my life

Captain's log, Day 17 of #30dayblogchallenge: The highs and lows of the past year of my life.

Every year of my life has both massive lows, and some highs, though rarely massively, equally highs to the lowest lows.... This past year is not much different, offering maybe higher highs, but also sinking much lower than ever before... depression over compensating on a few positive success and achievements. 

Indeed, suffering from various mental illnesses is never easy, especially when depression and trauma-related illnesses are concerned (ranging from cPTSD nightmares and intrusive thoughts to specific phobias and anxieties that all stemmed from it since my childhood). 

216 - Money, money, money, must be funny!

Day 16 of #30dayblogchallenge : what would I do if I won a large sum of money ? 

Well, depending on the sum, any or all of the following, at the same time in relative % to one another, from egocentric goals to generosity. 

• Improve our life conditions 
• Invest to get some cashback that can be used later 
• donations and investments in humanitarian and animal non-profit organisations. 

215- #xpo173challenge days 19 onwards

Today is March 21st, already. The past few days, I'd lost my inspiration and became quite busy offline, so my expo challenge blog post took a backseat, even further than other posts. 

My exposures got a bit blurred for shopping days, but apart for those on 

• March 18 stayed 40 minutes in line to geek con, that I doubted I could enter this year. Indeed, I didn't feel ready to face the masses that were in line, within an even more confined space. Another issue is the loud, booming music played during that wait. That and my anxiety gave me nausea and I had to retreat back home. Hopefully, next year,  with my additional exposures between now and then - and the end of my CBT - I'll have more tools and learn to deal with such venues. 
• March 17 mall for an hour & half . walked to bank, then read 75 mns in park & finally supermarket. The park was a challenge because a lot of people passed by, some sat rather close to me, and I did my best to concentrate on the book, blocking away the sounds of their conversations and music playing. All considered, I was rather happy with my success, as I lifted my eyes very few times - fewer than my previous visits in the park. 
• March 13  : 17th CBT session, requiring my usual double waiting - admissions and then in hallway for my therapist to arrive. Some weeks I see almost no one, but past couple sessions, I had a lot of foot traffic, and a lot of anxieties as a result. 

214- I miss...

5 days late, this is day 15 in ##30dayblogchallenge : Some things and people I miss. 

I miss my younger physical form and higher metabolism where eating wasn't the issue it became with aging and slowing down, needing exercise that I can no longer perform. 

Miss the days my mental health was more manageable and were I could have more functional activities. 

I miss, quite logically, those days I could talk for hours and hours, read, be very active & still have energy  left. Not like now where composing a blog entry can be a task in itself... 

213- Music Is Life

A week or two ago, during twitter MH chats, the topic of music and mental health came up and reminded me that I had planed this very topic but had forgotten to compose it. So, here it is.

Music has always been an integral part of life, and has tremendous benefits for my mental health. 

212 - Fondest childhood memories

Day 14 in ##30dayblogchallenge : fondest childhood memory.

In spite of trauma-filled childhood, I do have some fond memories :

Visiting my grandparents meant certain freedoms I didn't normally have, opening a host of possibilities, from listening to music, watching TV, going in and out as I pleased. I loved just walking and letting my feet lead me, an adventure that my grandfather had taught me to appreciate. I had discovered many portions of the city, the beach, corners I could just sit, relaxing and take-in the fresh air. 

211- Regrets

Day 13 in ##30dayblogchallenge: biggest regret. For a middle-aged person who have let so many opportunities pass and made wrong choices in life, there is no simple way to define the one, big regret. 

Instead, I think it's easy to say that somewhere along the way, one such a regret would be not having had the opportunity to heal faster from my psychological wounds, at the root of most of my only limited choices in life pursuits. 

210 - Inspirations

 

Week 11 of this challenge asks to talk about a person who inspires me. I decided to cheat a bit, because far too many people inspire me, so I'll take of Inspiration in a multitude of voices, shapes and currents, thus enabling me to double the post as a shout-out as well.

209- CBT2017-17

Back from already 17th CBT session!  Still targeting my social anxieties, today was a check-up session, updating Liebowitz scale as follows. 

208- Dreams & Nightmares

Another post to catch-up with #30dayblogchallenge late posts. For day 12 : dreams and nightmares. 

Throughout my life, I've had many recurring dreams and nightmares. I discussed some of those which pertain to some of my cPTSD intrusive nightmares so I'll let you read those first, because I won't repeat them here. 

207- My families

I'll have to be rather vague with this post. It's day 11 of #30dayblogchallenge : my family, or families.

206- Psychotherapy March 2017

So, today I had my first psychotherapy session of 2017 - I see my therapist every 3 months, additionally to my other therapist for CBT. 

I quickly discussed my CBT and exposure progress, and then went on to discuss the issues mentioned in a few blog posts, including yesterday's difficulties with my mental health. 

He advised I look into sorting an official act to further my own protection and that it's more about this than actually doing anything against my father (see my post about statute of limitations). 

205- Support is so important!

Yesterday, as you can read, I was traversing a very difficult day for my mental health.

I want to thank all those from posimh who actively offered emotional support, advice and kindness in such a difficult day. Some of you offered support without being in the chat itself, either in DM's or other tweets. 

204- In the grips of cPTSD (11 )

As always in trauma posts, trigger warning applies though not the most detailed in itself. 

Yesterday was a tough day. I was in the grips of my complex post-traumatic stress disorder ; despair and desperation grew. 
Before I tell you more, let me back track. My violent recurring nightmares already mentioned, returned to my nights this week - adding to the physical discomforts and thus making my sleep highly perturbed and subsequent days very slow. 

203- Dream home

#30dayblogchallenge  - Day 10 : my dream home ? 


I have never really formulated what my dream home would be, only outlines of things that I needed or would wish improvements on our current apartment. 

So, let's go, first with improvements, right after you click on > 

202- Things that make me happy

Day 9 of #30dayblogchallenge : things that make me happy


In no particular order, and probably not all of them, here are some of the things that do.

201 - Fears

Day 8 of B's #30dayblogchallenge is about Fears. 

I have quite a few of those actually, some are actually Phobias to where I'll send you for details, but some aren't. 

The 200th !

For this 200th post, I want to discuss general points of this blog, and it's up-coming evolution.

The first goal I had with this blog was to discuss my experience with declining mental health, raising awareness to the battles I face daily as well as those of finding proper help. 

199- If you could have any job in the world, what would it be and why?

#30dayblogchallenge, day 7 : what would me my dream job and why? 

Well, that is a very good question, because I'm still struggling finding that out. I'll tell you a few of the dream jobs that I've had over the course of my life, just a few of them, really. 

198 - IWD ?

International women's day is upon us. For short, I'll use the official acronym : IWD. 

Its history is long and complicated as to why March 8 was chosen, possibly the fact that 1914 edition, as it was a Sunday, and ever since, became the normal date. Before that, the earliest edition in 1909 was on February 28th. 

Either way, if you want to know more about it, I'm not going to copy-paste and steal other people's material. Read wiki  or the official website.

197 - Write about someone you really care about

I've been very busy these past few days and grew quite late with the challenge. Coming so close the International Women's Day, I decided not to back-date this entry and just catch up on my late at another time. 

196 - Dream travel destination, and why?

#30dayblogchallenge, Day 5. For it, B's prompt is Dream travel destination, and why?

I cannot speak of only one destination, because I have many, varied dreams.

I don't think my dream place exists on Earth, so I'd wish to be on some nice fictional place from SciFi or fantasy...Risa for weather control, Minbar, Rivendel...

However, those don't really exist, so let's go down to Earth shall we : 

• somewhere warm, free of political strife and natural disasters, not too populated, where it's easy to eat vegan & meet open-minded geeks...I don't think there is such a place
• then, I would love to visit Nancy, capital of Art Nouveau. I know, it's a ''dead'' art current, but it's my fav. 
• I'd love to meet the wonderful MH bloggers I met online & developed friendships with, which means some in USA (but really not any time soon), and majority are in the UK, so that's where I'd love to go among the first abroad trips to come in the next 10 years... as far as the UK is concerned : my wife has asked me before, but with my social anxieties, I wasn't even ready to think about it. Now, 9 months into my CBT, I can finally say that I'm on the mend and should be able to deal with such a trip in the future (not very near, though, there is a lot more to be done for that, and also, find a better financial situation). But, I'm thinking that it can and it shall happen. One day or another. 

There, I'll make it nice, short and sweet. 

Day 6 shall be : Write about someone you really care about. 

More about this challenge 

195- A happy memory

Day 4 of B's #30dayblogchallenge : a happy memory. 

My life has been rather full of sad ones, but in spite of that I can still find some happier moments, days, even periods during which I felt better, if not always the most content. 

194- 52 Weeks of gratitude - Week 10 - List 5 things you like about yourself

Already 10th week of this challenge, this time is about self-love, in the sense that it's time to list 5 things I like about myself. 

I just re-posted 3 of those things in post 192, in turn copied from post 84. As I have quite a bit on my blogging plate, I'll do that once more, and then expand. 

193- Where would I want to be in 10 years?

Like a telescope peering in the depths of the sky,  let me try to peer into my distant future : where would I want to be in 10 years is such a vast question. Like B, I'll reply what I'd like to see during the entire course, and not only the destination of that 10 year vantage point, but the path to it. 

192 - The good, the bad & the ugly me

Day 2 of #30dayblogchallenge isn't a simple one : it's the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of me. 

Before I go on, I'll send you to the intro of this challenge, that will tell you all about it, and who started it. (those links send to B's twitter and blog) 

Now, not withstanding shades of grey in those notions of good and bad (about which I may compose a separate post), it's always difficult to talk about oneself in those lines. Yet, this is part of the challenge is to engage in introspective analysis - to dare to talk about those aspect of my personality.

191 - What, why and where I write

So, day 1 in #30dayblogchallenge launched by B & which I had found on the mad to made girl blog. (separate hotlinks). (My intro entry)

The topic is a simple one : what, why and where I write.

Let me break break down my various blogs and their topics as follows :

The present one is my Mental Health (or: MH) and lifestyle blog. Here, I post about MH, usually mine but I sometimes would publish  more general entries, from definitions to details about a specific mental illness that I either suffer from ; or, If I don't, I usually post about a topic I feel passionate about and want to raise awareness, both in and out of day/week/month dedicated to it by a local or larger community. 

190- March #30dayblogchallenge

If you thought that I was blogging a lot, think again. I'm joining B's 30 day blogging challenge which I had actually found on From mad girl to made girl's twitter profile and detailed on her blog. 
Since I have some issues with my wordpress account, I cannot direct you to the original entry, just to B's homepage 

189- #365daysofselfcare (March 2017)

Ok, now that I'm in a series of routines, I won't bother with repeating my daily morning and evening facial cleansing... maybe only shaving, and facial masks - those are more rare.