213- Music Is Life

A week or two ago, during twitter MH chats, the topic of music and mental health came up and reminded me that I had planed this very topic but had forgotten to compose it. So, here it is.

Music has always been an integral part of life, and has tremendous benefits for my mental health. 

Growing up, music was a forbidden fruit, just as much as reading books or watching TV. More on this, in an upcoming post about religious cult precepts I was subjected to. 
I resorted to extreme measures to get my hand on a radio, in a folding, built-in headphone and radio unit, which took very small space. I just had to listen to music, though back then I had no other reason than rebellion. See, I was already suffering from cyclothymia, and music helped regulate my extreme mood swings - to an extent. 

Whenever I'd visit my grandparents, I could listen more openly to music, but still had to be careful.  

My favorite but rare visits to my best friend's, where he introduced me to many bands and singers who marked my life and I still listen to now as an adult.

Music was, therefore, a mix of rebellion, self-help and a mark of friendship. 

Many songs were associated with specific people I knew or had feelings for ; I had either fond or painful memories for each song, and this trend grew over the years.

Back in my home-country, I was psychologically frail, socially awkward and inexperienced. Music became a form of self-isolation from outside noises and people, because my social phobias had worsened quite a bit ; this was mixed with feeble attempts to attract attention  to my walkman, and later to my minidisc player, and in both cases, to the kinds of music I listened to. This failed. No one was impressed like I had hoped, so I had stopped trying to reach out and climbed back into my tortoise shell for shelter. 

A few years later, my post-traumatic disorder became a lot more prevalent. i started having flashbacks as I walked the streets and was almost run over by a car. In search for a way to keep these unpleasant flashbacks at bay and avoid further risks to my life, I resumed taking my minidisc player with me everywhere, because the sounds kept me grounded to my tasks and thus, music became a life-saver - I would go as far to say that I became dependent on it for my daily life. 

I don't go shopping alone without my headphones and music - now far more efficient with a smartphone which can hold a lot more than a minisic player and don't need the extra weight from discs or tapes. 

If I wash dishes alone, I also tend to play music. It's my meditative distraction from my task, as washing dishes triggers my emetophobia but with music, I can deal with the task- even though it takes me longer than a normal person. 

When I compose or translate blog posts, music helps my concentration - though when I read someone else's entry, I usually stop listening. 

My tastes are varied, though there are some styles that I never liked and doubt to ever become fond of. I can obsessively listen to only one singer or band for a whole period, whilst sometimes I cannot stick to anyone and change every song. 

If I don't listen to music, my cyclothymic mood swings are much harder to deal with ; my depression portion becomes far too alluring and I can sink really low to a point I can't do much, nor do I even want to. 
If I don't listen, I risk high frequency and highly disturbing cPTSD flashbacks. 

Music has been a mark of rebellion, friendships, nostalgic reminiscence, or distraction from emetophobic dish-washing and more importantly social phobias and lastly, my life, through limiting my cPTSD flashback frequency and strength. 

In all these respects, music is an important and vital aspect of my life, like air to breathe, food and water to sustain, emotional and psychological support from friends or my wife, music is life.