222 - Park exposures March 2017

In the past couple weeks, I've managed to go read in a local park a bit more often , as part of my exposure regime. Exposures in the park aren't easy for me, even though I love the decoration, flowers, and looking at the birds inhabiting it. 

Indeed, I feel quite anxious around people, I feel their eyes on my odd looks, or what scrutinize what I do... I don't tend to have similar hobbies to other people of my city, and men in general. 


In the past few weeks, I've decided to increase my time there, from 25 minutes at first to 75 minutes after just a few sessions. 

Yesterday, I went again, to see a friend who organized a vegan picnic. I dreaded both the possibility that all 40 people she'd invited would show up, and also those already there just to enjoy the first big sunshine we had in a long time. 

Once we - my wife came with me for this one - I felt very anxious, and self conscious with my photography that I didn't practice as much as I'd wished. 

As I wasn't alone, I couldn't retreat to the most secluded portions of the park to isolate as I would've done. 

Despite of this, I remained for a couple hours, even though the park was very full, busy, people coming & going.  But, I didn't run away, even when a guy asked me about my hair-dye and later came back to comment about my wife's art.

All in all, I'm glad that I met the challenge, and hope that next time I can do even better by practicing my photography. 

Anxiety levels were soaring but I made it through more or less intact. The effort drained me , so once back home, I ate a bit and napped for nearly an hour & a half. 

Each time I go is a step towards recovery and helps to go one more time, to attempt to improve and hon my social skills in anxious situations. I'm aware that most of it is in my mind, and that I imagine dangers where there are none. It's easy to say it intellectually, but not to assimilate and apply psycho-emotionally during a situation, but I'm more capable now than I did before, and I know that I'll slowly get there. 

Recovery is possible. I believe that I will win this battle, and so will you if you also suffer from this or similar anxieties. We have to be patient and kind with ourselves, and to continue practicing regular exposures, to learn to face those situations which we find most stressful. Exposures lead towards recovery, at least in my case, and hopefully in yours as well. 

All these exposures were part of my CBT2017-17