217- Highs and lows of the past year of my life

Captain's log, Day 17 of #30dayblogchallenge: The highs and lows of the past year of my life.

Every year of my life has both massive lows, and some highs, though rarely massively, equally highs to the lowest lows.... This past year is not much different, offering maybe higher highs, but also sinking much lower than ever before... depression over compensating on a few positive success and achievements. 

Indeed, suffering from various mental illnesses is never easy, especially when depression and trauma-related illnesses are concerned (ranging from cPTSD nightmares and intrusive thoughts to specific phobias and anxieties that all stemmed from it since my childhood). 

↘The lows, the lows, the lows↙

• occasional despaired days where I felt the weight of my MH so much that I could see no end and only worsening at the gates... this happened in at least 3 separate moments this past year for major desperation, and a few more for less acute ones 
• self-doubts, lack of confidence in general have been a bane and massively difficult to build and I seem to never truly reach a good enough level from which I cannot fall back down to total and utter self-critic and not acting, out of despair at my lack of skills, talents and it becomes a loop. This is a current in almost every single day 
• These self-doubts crept into my social interactions, alternating between moments I felt ok, to those I couldn't care less and came closer and closer to shutting down my blogs and ending all friendships, and the fears of these and becoming a total recluse sank me into depression (but also boosted me, forced me into more action, you'll see that further in the entry)
• My physical health has also been quite low most of this past year (several, actually), but things are changing as you'll see in the higher section
• My mental faculties have also been difficult to access (concentration, memory...) 
• A mole surgery on the sole of my foot prevented me from hiking and slowed me walks a lot, especially during all those long months where recovery meant electrical shots through my foot as nerve endings reconnected and took a lot longer than the dermatologist had told me. even my food shopping had been affected. (It was worse since summer 2015, but 2016 had many moments of these issues, too). 

↗The higher, the better ?↖

• Last year, I had days I managed to resume my art after having left it for years. Okay, this is a mixture of self-doubts, but it felt great when I actually managed to complete a few pieces
• Exposures both in and out of CBT tasks have been helpful ever since I started my second CBTherapy which was definitely the highest and most life-changing thing I've done in 2016, as well 
• as finally daring to talk about my MH on twitter, a website I had initially refused to join, and now I cannot see my life any other way because I met many MH bloggers with whom I'm building new friendships and we can talk about any topic, not just our traumas and difficulties, though these were the initial reasons of finding one another
• Also passed to the next level of psychotherapy, and I appreciate greatly the help my second therapist gives me there, as he is younger and a lot more dynamic, giving advice that I needed years ago
• I joined several challenges, including self-care (these blog entries aren't what I hoped of them, but they'll do in the meantime). I finally workout once again, lost 3-4 kgs, enough to go back down to size 44 (France) trousers, from 46 in which I'd been stuck for 2 years of inactivity. I now walk more (mole surgery mentioned above), do a few workouts a week, including for my scoliosis, and feel less fatigue than I did for a long time
• Mental faculties have slightly improved recently though I doubt they'll reach the levels of just 3 years ago... hopefully this will change for the better once my overall MH improves.

Introduction to the challenge setup by B  & her original blogposts
Day 18 : A bullet list of my day... not sure I'll do that one, so If I don't, 
Day 19 : Five strength & Five weaknesses.