480 - Psychotherapy Nov 2023

Given my travel difficulties, I have had several psychotherapy sessions by phone, and yesterday's continued this tradition.

Before explaining the topics of our conversation, I detail what has been happening for several weeks and warn you, the subject is heavy, so a Trigger Warning follows.

If you don't know, I grew up in the cult started by my father, 15 years of repetitive and prolonged trauma. I have half-sisters and brother.

After moving from my mother's house, I cut ties with my entire father's side of the family, sacrificing any possible relationship with everyone, including my grandfather, who must be largely gone, which has been bothering me ever since. 

Not knowing who I could trust so that my words wouldn't go back to my father from my half-siblings, I haven't spoken with anyone for as many years.

But... the political situation in Israel, where I grew up and left this family, is worrying. I don't care about him, but I hoped that once he had died and not been resurrected, that no one would have believed in him anymore and that we would have been able to reconnect... Now, I don't know at all if they and he (the half-brother) are alive or not...

During October, the stress caused by all this, as well as threats from other countries of larger wars took me back to my childhood, memories of the worst periods of attacks that took place even in my own living city, and I had flashbacks but above all realized that I had experienced 2 dissociative episodes, losing entire hours.

So I spoke to the psychologist about these situations, and learned that I at least did the right thing by resuming my meditations with the petit bamboo app (I only have the free version); on his advice, I will continue, I can do it more often and he also recommended "breathing space" 3 minute exercises that I can find on YouTube, to do as needed.

He understood my current difficulties regarding the family members I wanted to see again, once possible; on the other hand, he didn't offer me any advice. So if you have any, I'm open to suggestions.

I was afraid of using too much my Atarax, but as I am on the syrup version and I use the minimum dose for sporadic anxiety attacks, or before certain anxiety-provoking medical appointments, (2.5 ml, equivalence 5 mg in tablet version), he told me that for the worst days, I can do this up to 4 times - especially since I am already used to it and it is the only non-addictive anxiolytic, and that therefore, he prefers to keep me on this one, rather than change to another.

These two tools help to alleviate or somewhat prevent the overflow of my dissociations/dissociative crises, and he added that if I feel it coming, to above all go calm: stop everything that is stimuli (lights, images, films) and do meditation and/or breathing space, the time to ground myself - and that breathing being a mechanism separate from what causes my dissociations, that it would help to reduce.

On another subject, it is not possible to prescribe/send a note to the dentist, give me complete sleep like a dog and work on my teeth; on the other hand, that I ask for a higher dose of local anesthesia and that I take up to a double dose of Atarax 2 hours before... All that remains is to find a non-macho dentist who will not treat me as "weak , you're a guy, it's nothing'' nor "but my word, you're a drug addict" (words of the last one I saw, when I was on painkillers after a fall).

Regarding the current state of my depression - in excess given my chronic pain and physical limitations for over a year - his advice is to continue my creative and cultural activities. By this, we mean drawings/paintings, pyrography, text compositions etc. for my creations, but also reading for the cultural parts. Fortunately I have many interests and possibilities, despite the change of season.

Next session: February 1, 2024... either in person if I finally manage to walk, or again on the phone.