461- Patriarchal apologies

Note on image: I used a copyright free image, copied and reversed, added my text of examples in black, and title in red. 

Note on content : in some passages, I take a sarcastic speech, but I don't personally believe in the phrases. I'm an intersectional feminist and lgbtqia+ included (trans women are women, there are more than two genders and more than one sexuality), but I showcase patriarchy in this entry. 

It is, by no means, exhaustive in examples. 

Hereafter, a medium, 1,632 word long, entry ensues, with a TW section at the bottom. 

In today's (15 August 2022) Mae's stream, an important feminist topic arose as to why women tend to apologize more than men, and for everything - including things they're not even remotely responsible for. 

Indeed, modern cultures are, in their crushing majority, patriarchal. This is a social system in which men dominate over women. Current Patriarchy is also synonym with the religious infringements over women's rights to autonomy over their bodies, finances etc. This is true even in more so-called developed countries, not just in rural places where social constructs haven't evolved at all in centuries.  

In today's societies, gender norms and stereotypes run deep. The biblical story of the original sin, aka when Eve tempts Adam (which itself is a judeochristian appropriation of a previous myth) didn't help anyone. Especially, and for today's intersectional feminist topic : women have paid, and still paying, the highest price for a belief system that revolves around this story. 

Women must have periods - the divine curse upon them due to Eve's temptation of Adam ; this in turn becomes a taboo, most women feel embarrassed to talk about period or ask their partner to buy what they need to pass the monthly 'curse'... Men talk about it even less - period blood is impure (thank you religion), a curse (again), and icky... This stigma is the biggest apology women have to endure, not only due to biological factors, pain that may reduce productivity at work and so on, but made to feel ashamed and less than men. 

Furthermore, women are assumed to make space to men and apologize for the space they take. Have you (women) noticed that men will walk as if they own the street and find yourselves - most of the time- swerving to avoid collision ? this is your apology for taking space from men - they are the alpha, you must move, not them... Right ? Well, guess again! Just like my wife have been doing for some time now, it's time to reclaim your space. 

How about beauty standards, diet culture, fat shaming, slut shaming and so on ? All of them are forms of apologies women tacitly have to yield to men : male gaze runs rampant, women have to have specific appearances and be pretty for the men, and how dare they refuse the compliments men bestow on them, in their good heart nature ? This is where we see so many men send harassing messages to women, praising their beauty, but when they are refused these advances, men will call the women ugly and other names... Even in a space of a few seconds from praise to refusal,  absolutely gorgeous turns to the most hideous woman, because she was taking space and not accepting the man's compliment. Diet culture etc will follow suit just the same. Men don't have the same kind of shaming when it comes to weight gain as women do, there is a huge gap between the type of mistreatment and shaming... 

Women who exhibit any self confidence and owning her sexuality is a slut, but a man is reputed for just those two elements! A man is never a slut for having multiple partners in life, but a woman ?! Oh no, no can do! you're taking a space reserved to men, and don't you dare make the first move, men are old school, they are the hunters, they want to hunt the women and conquer their hearts and bodies... No, wait... that's what patriarchy has been doing already and this is why men will go 'not all men' or create 'men's day', because they're upset at feminism and IWD... How dare women try to bring attention to the facts that they'd been let down and sent to a second grade citizen for so long ? I am MAN, I own this space. Shut up and go be pretty, make my food and make me babies, pronto. 

Is this an exaggerated or typical scene at home : husband comes back from work. Dinner isn't made yet. Husband gets upset at wife, as cooking's her domain. He thinks working is enough, and that she has to do all the rest. And to have dinner ready to serve, hot and cooked according to his tastes, by the time he comes back... Does it matter that his wife also had a long day at work, where, without a shadow of a doubt, had to deal with disgruntled men and misogyny? Does it matter that she also went to school and picked up their child/ren ? And have gone grocery shopping ? NO, dinner's not ready, HE is UPSET. So, what's your verdict, is this exaggerated or typical ? Before you (husband) say that you're NOT LIKE THAT and you doubt that many men will either, don't forget that we live in a patriarchal world, where you usually get the most benefits, and that if you are more enlightened and share the load with your significant other, so many other men (in a cishetero relationship - the one patriarchy approves of, not anything else) won't share anything but come home from work, throw themselves on the couch/sofa, open their shirt, tap their belly with one hand, drink something with the other, and watch mindless TV whilst his wife (aka his slave) labours to bring his dinner...  This very scenario is quite often the source of men's annoyance and opening to domestic abuse (yes, I know, some men are also victims, don't start your retort, I KNOW, but the % is very different and so are the experiences). 

Women are expected to make sacrifices and choose between career and being mothers -  because patriarchy still pushes all women to be mothers, or, at the very least, get pregnant. How dare women become mothers whilst in an important job ?! Now choose : be one but lose your job perks, and when you come back, you'll start over and may miss a promotion that a man will get for having stayed the entire time... Sounds familiar ? This is because one of the recurrent methods of portraying command is by making women apologise for existing independently and by gaslighting them - which includes this double standard in hierarchy and personal work-related progress to higher levels. But, then again, women can't win in patriarchy's not-so-much of a choice : if they choose to be career oriented and to push for higher echelons, they are failing their main roles of motherhood... 

It has been observed that women apologise more than men in corporate settings, especially in important meetings where senior professionals are present. I saw that in my own work, when I was in a library and we had a general staff meeting. Women in higher ranks than some of the men of rank were still apologizing to the men! 

How can we come to such a point ? because women are systematically and automatically placed at the receiving end and supposed to mindlessly apologize. It becomes a habit and social norm for women to apologize, for anything and everything under the sky. Did the woman do or not whatever she's reproach ? sometimes yes, MANY times, not at all, but they must take the fall - they brought Adam down with their apple, remember ? All women did this, not just Eve... see how patriarchy acts on a daily basis ? All these are mere examples. 

Men, on the other hand, not only apologize less, but to do so only in specific settings, situations, for example for having made a difficult-to-fix error/mistake, or for hurting someone - but not emotionally, oh no, emotions aren't 'manly' - and that can be a side topic for another entry. 

Again and again, we see examples of patriarchy, its poisons laid out in society, and how it perverts gender norms, from cishetero, the norm in patriarchy, to its refusal to upgrade and modernize to current psychological understanding of more than two gender, and needs to abolish gender norms and societal expectations/roles... 

I keep the most triggery portion of examples to the end, so I'll make a conclusion here, in case you choose not to read that part. In patriarchy, men are supposed to dominate over women ; when in political power, they make laws that affect women on a daily basis. When they're at work, they're usually in higher ranks, and get more money at equal ranks ; men have a limited scope of when to apologize, whereas women's roles include that of apologizing, even if unrelated and not guilty of anything. Women must make space for men, in the street, at work, at home. They have to follow standards set by men and pushed onto women, in order to fulfil their destinies and comply with gender norms. These are patriarchal 'values', so distorted, and which need massive upgrades and for men to stop crying over losing benefits they think are owed to them, but which were stolen from women. There is only one positive goal, which is to reach equilibrium in everything. Only then, will space be shared equally ; only when that happens, apologizing will actually mean anything and won't be a habit, nor biproduct of patriarchy. 

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Now trigger warning in a rape culture 

When women are raped, they are again victimized and have to apologize for turning the man on, with questions of 'what were you wearing?' 'what signals were you sending him'? or 'no, he didn't do that, he can't haven you must be mistaken, it was consensual and you just freaked out'... Examples of these abound in society, we see it in  the news, we see it in fiction. Women are shamed so much, that most men get away with their sexual harassements, abuses and rapes -  after a  minutia % of women spoke out... 

And when men are victims, does anyone ask them what they were wearing and what signals they were sending ? I've never heard even once, have you ? 

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