457 - posttrrauma and entertainment

Image : copyright free pngs, I edited into this montage.

Entry length bellow is : 1,931 words 11,221 characters

Today, I want to discuss a topic I seldom see others publish : the impact of trauma on our entertainment choices - be it for tv shows and movies, to music, games and other types.

Let's define entertainment, as simple as wiki :  is a form of activity that holds the attention and interest of an audience or gives pleasure and delight. They list 8 forms (banquets, music, games, literature, comedy, performance, sport, and lastly, fairs, expositions, shopping) ; whilst performance are subdivided into storytelling, theatre, cinema and film, dance, animals, circus, magic, street performance, parades and fireworks. 

Now, those who never suffered trauma or long lasting posttraumatic illnesses (cptsd, ptsd, GAD, phobias), this topic may seem contradictory by its very definition of gives pleasure and delight, but I'm here to explain why something supposedly delightful can be tough -when you do suffer from these particular afflictions, and I'll start with my own case, might add a few general examples, and let you see if any of it applies to you or someone you know.

Due to the topic at hand, I'll use my usual trigger warning for some of the content. 

As a child, I suffered multiple traumas - you know that from other posts, so I won't detail each, but here's a quick overview :

• Parents divorce at a young age. Custody dispute, and ultimately, my father kidnapping me
• Separation from my mother for about a decade and a half
• As a cult leader and founder, my 'father' indoctrinated me with many harmful beliefs,
• Verbal and physical abuses as part of the cult life, 
• Deprivations (anti-materialistic rules in the cult), 
• Social deprivations as well (control over relationships in the cult)
• Gender, sexuality and emotional delays and issues
• Witnessed domestic violence 
• Living in a turbulant political state, with presence of terrorism 

The first effect these experiences had on me are anxiety disorders : GAD (generalized Anxiety Disorder), cptsd/ptsd's, and phobias. If you ask what happens with these anxieties VS entertainment ? my answer is that anxiety over what I may or may not see constitutes a constant fear and worry, and the need for reassurance. Thus, I tend to lean towards PG to light PG13 content, and up to TV-MA/ R in rare instances, where a show or movie includes graphic content, but with short scenes. This is true, for example, of some scifi/fantasy and drama/police procedural shows. The need for reassurance makes me watch and rewatch the same movies and shows, over and over, play the games, and rarely try anything new, because they are safe : I know what's going to happen, and when to look away... at least, insofar as it pertains to my triggers and capacity to watch a limited amount of graphic content. Here, the main examples are about mild blood, and I'll explain this a bit more further below, when I discuss my hemophobia. 

Still about anxieties, some forms of entertainment are totally avoided : banquets/ music concerts, fairs, sports events, theatre, dancing, circus, street performances, parades, and fireworks, all have too many people (triggers to social phobia ; CBT helped facing some of it, so I'm now able to attend tennis tournaments, with about 200 or so maximum people around me, and I can go to the cinema and no longer care about the others in the room).

Another issue with all of these forms are that they have too much noise/bright or moving lights (overstimulation to my senses). 

As you can guess, I have never  performed in any of these forms, though theatre and dance/sports were suggested and recommended for other reasons, I simply never felt ready and able to start...

In reading the above short, non-detailed list of traumas, you can already start to glean that, after all, there may be impacts from these experiences, on what I chose to be entertained with/by, and what I'd avoid.

The first category of any form of entertainment that I'd avoid because of my traumas are those that would be triggers relating to my exact traumas : anything that has cults or kidnapping as sole stories would be hardest to see, and although some shows I watch have individual episodes with such stories that I don't systematically avoid/skip, I would avoid/skip if an entire book, show or movie's premise is about these. 

Similarly, I avoid ones where domestic violence is at the center - again, if it's a show where it happens a bit, it depends on how graphic/explicit/triggery it is, but if the majority's about it, I don't watch at all.

The second category is about individual triggers towards other aspects of my mental illnesses, particularly those pertaining to phobias. The worst phobias I deal with are 'CoproCarnoHemoEmeto' as explained in entry 280 about these four interwoven phobias, which are Coprophobia, Carnophobia, Hemophobia, Emetophpbia. In order, these are phobias of fecal matter, corpses, blood, and of being sick/throwing up. 

Ok, so, with four such difficult phobias, a LOT of entertainment is barred from me. Tv shows, movies, books, where any of these four are present are really tough to watch and read. Let's see some examples : 

I completely avoid movies and shows with toilet humour, not only because I find them childish, but also, and more importantly, because they trigger my coprophobia ; the same goes for scenes of cleaning wc's. Thus I hate those wc scenes in Harry Potter and elsewhere. 

I avoid anything that has graphic hunting, I skip scenes in cold storage rooms (and avoid if anything revolves around this, for ex, The Sopranos has many such scenes). I skip over prolonged scenes of people hunting, fishing, doing anything with their corpses, and lengthy food scenes that aren't discreet and show a lot of animal stuff... Halloween, Xmas and other food-centric episodes in many shows get axed for me (Friends, Frasier) ; many shows and movies I love have short scenes of these types, and I either look away or fast forward (Star Trek, Doctor Who, SG1... )

These I avoid for carnophobia. 

I had to fast forward/skip lines to avoid passages of characters being sick in Harry Potter (for ex the backlash on Ron's wand).  I was also triggered in Orwell's '1984' novel,  and decided not to watch quite a few shows and movies because of the presence of such triggers - which includes the snot and other such things in the Dark Crystal prequel show, and equally described in many shows' parental guide on IMDB and/or on doesthedogdie.  Anything gooey, people being sick (even just a prolonged audio gore of it), gets the axe. 

All of these are examples of emetophobia triggers.

I kept hemophobia for last in this list, because there have been recent improvements regarding it. For the majority of my life, however, I either fast forwarded, skipped or hid from most bloody scenes, in any movie or show, and turned blood off in games. In the past, I'd hide behind my knees when these scenes would happen, but would remain triggered and feeling fragile from hearing their audio portions, and imagining how bad the visuals must be...  

I'd often feel anxious about a possible upcoming bloody scene, would work myself up, and loste enjoyment of many many movies and shows... simply because of the stress that I might see something... (this isn't just for bloody scenes, actually, it's still an issue with the other phobias). 

During the second half of my CBT, my therapist had given me tips on countering my blood phobia : I had to take my glasses off, squint my eyes but look at the blood, blurred from squinting exercise, and with the goal of avoiding my avoidance. 

Thus, over time, I found myself able to watch these scenes, and eventually, without squinting - as long as it's moderate. This moderate status, however, is far bloodier than I ever was able to watch, until 2021, with further improvements in 2022. The biggest headway I'd made since January, both to hemophobia and to my anxieties, pertains to trying new shows, taking the risk of getting triggered and managing whatever came, without my wife pre-watching. I did this with some spy-shows, because she can't stand the genre, with very rare exceptions. I tried Covert affairs, and the 2016 MacGyver reboot ; both had some bloody scenes that I hadn't expected, and found myself able to watch about 95%, without squinting or anything! In only brief and bloodier scenes, I had to squint, and a couple times actually avoided. Comforted by this huge breakthrough, I tried my luck with more content, such as Pretty Little Liars (not overly graphic, but does contain some blood elements and a couple times carnophobia triggers) ; contrary to the past, I didn't give up on any of these 3 new (to me) shows, and continued them to their end (am still watching P-L-L but finished the two previously listed shows).

Currently rewatching Law and Order, I no longer hide from the crime scenes - but I do skip episodes I know are over the top (such as avoiding SVU altogether), and episodes with either dog fighting, or cold storage rooms and the like. 

I count all this as major wins - despite those few cases where my avoidance still must take precedence. 

In my recent evolution regarding blood content, I was surprised with myself when I started playing an android sniper game, and left the blood option ON...Like, what ? I'm now okay with this ?! 

On the other hand, I never watched some shows where the bloody and gory scenes are over the top, and this part hasn't changed. It includes most of modern tv shows and movies, and most games as well. The list cannot be exhaustive in any way, but includes all the populars of the past decade, from Stranger Things, to most of new Star Trek shows, to Game of Throne, Ozark and a huge portion of Netflix' catalogue. Alongside these, I avoid gory videogames (to play or watch streams of), such as horror, zombie and the likes... but also most iterations of Moral Kombat (very few are tamer), and other fighting games may be hit or miss in regards to blood and gore. I must find review before choosing any games, or deciding on watching a show or movie. 

When it comes to music, I'm selective, not only in genre, but also to some of the lyrics. When they are overtly violent (like in rap), or contain too much sexuality (personal blockages with that, a topic in itself), they either trigger me, or I simply avoid. If I ever would hear a song with audio or lyric triggers to my 4 intertwined phobias, I'd skip, and when it comes to new musicians, may not check the rest of their catalog, out of the sheer anxiety of similar content therein. 

To end this entry, I want to mention that in view of some of my progress I discussed above, all of the current no's and yes's may eventually change. After all, I'd never imagined to make any of the improvements I had these past 18 or so months, so I can actually say 'never say never' for the other triggers, phobias and anxieties - and with this, I want to reassure you, my readers, that if you have any triggers, similar or not, with time, healing, therapy, and methods, you might be equally able to advance and heal - where any small amount can make a huge difference in quality of life, and open more doors of divertissement that you weren't able to reach. Small amounts grow in time to bigger proportions and help further healing on your path!