455 - Determination and despair - A poem

Note on the entry's image : I found a copyright free image of a parasite (a mosquito), I added it's sad eye and 3 tears, as well as all the rest (eyes, cage and text), using Paint, Gimp, and my graphic tablet (yes, that's totally new). 

I recommend reading this entry on a proper screen, not that it's as long as others, but so you can see better the page layout as I intended, designed to show the rhymes. 

Hereafter, 630 words will follow, once you click the page separation.

On june 1st, I had a basic inspiration, the words 'determination' and 'despair' came to mind, and I thought about what separated them... I tried a couple things but couldn't finish my line, until I read a paper (or rather this pdf), discussing how despair and depression were associated, there was a line that inspired me "parasitic pain".

in page 8, you'll see this quote - as shared in goodreads 

"The more consciousness there is in such a sufferer who in despair wills to be himself, the more his despair intensifies and becomes demonic. It usually originates as follows. A self that in despair wills to be itself is pained in some distress or other that does not allow itself to be taken away from or separated from his concrete self". 

Thus, that part about "does not allow itself to be taken away from or separated" made me think of a parasite, and because of the whole notion of despair = pain... hence my line "Determination and despair are separated by a parasitic pain". 

I left that line alone for the majority of this month. Then, on 24 and 25th, I got back to it and added text, preferring some imagery, that is also rather evocative, and where I could, rhymed. From that one line, I ended up composing this 28-line text, a poem about depression. 

I'll reassure you that the negative feelings described used to be intense in the past, and that under antidepressants, my mood is more stabilized, though still depressed - the treatment didn't cure me, but made my depression much more manageable, hence the more positive ending of this text.

Determination and despair : (V2 is 285 words)  

The torment of a depressed mind, anxious about scenarios of doom,

Slows the body, slows it's movements, and lives in a room,

Its mood sinks into the gloom, and lives in a tomb,

Where self-esteem is caged in doubt, asleep deep in fertile ground,

Motivation withers, its flame extinguishes like a candle out of wax,

Where every thought and action are efforts greater than a tax,

Like a raft caught in a storm, the waves threaten of imminent whelm,

Impression of single-handed fight, the hands lose command of life's helm,

Will emotions submerge or go flat ? Perhaps Sadness and tears abound,

but the eyes may be dry, and the mouth makes no sound ; silence heard all around,

For the senses are in a state of havoc, it's impossible to predict any direction.

Mind's ebb and flow, a stress on neurotransmitters breaks communication.

Norepinephrine, serotonin, dopamine, where art thou ?

Why are you so low, when you ought to be higher ?

Can you climb back to the surface and chase the fog away ?

For in depression, a split second is all that one might need,

to cut the chord of darkness, increase our speed,

Or drag us further into the abyss, halting our requests,

Of a better vessel and a brain more at rest

Determination and despair are separated by a parasitic pain

Between light and shadow, resolve and anguish are bonded in chain,

Each coping tool, therapy or medication, can contain

seeds of renewed light, will-power and hope,

Helping us to climb back up our stories' slope

From the depths of our minds, holding tight victory's rope

Erasing wrinkles from our brow,

Rekindling our hampered inner fire,

And to shine once more, without any further delay

Before translating to French, its 1st version had 280 words, 

I'll show you the differences with V2

Where self-esteem is caged in doubt, asleep deep in fertile ground,

but the eyes may be dry, the mouth makes no sound ; silence heard all around,

Helping us to climb back up our stories' slope

From the depths of our minds, holding tight victory's rope

Rekindling our hampered inner fire,