462- Addiction & traumas : Why I gave up alcomahol (long ago)

I used one of my photos and edited in artistically, as I don't wish to trigger anyone with a photo pertaining directly to the topic at hand

As it's been over 4 years since entry 338 and 6 since entry 130, I'm sure you'd have forgotten that I had explained that part of my life in my father's religious cult included being given drugs as part of 'coming closer to god' claims he had, and which were actually part of his tools in maintaining control and grip of his followers, including me. 

I recall that for a time, I had withdrawal symptoms and know therefore that in the course of his giving these to me, I had developed an addiction, which luckily for me, is far gone and part of my distant past.

Years ago, I felt the risk of drowning myself in the bottle in an attempt to numb my cptst excessive and unstable emotions. More specifically, I felt possible dangers of developing an addiction to it, in view of my traumas, life experiences and examples set by others around me. 

I'll start development of this topic with the last part of my statement : 

I live in France, where alcohol is used in many social gatherings, as a matter of habit. Stats may show a slight decline over the years, but it's a problem that many people don't understand your choice not to drink and they frequently try to gently or aggressively suggest it to you...  This applies also within families.

I also saw people close to me struggling with alcoholism, and I saw how it affected or still affects them. I saw their moods change to giddy, at best, or to aggressive know-it-all at worse. I saw how helpless some of these people became, and how the illness cost lives, figuratively as well as literally. 

Indeed, excessive, uncontrolled drinking is a very well known illness, called alcoholism, and these people I mention suffer/ed from it - some have died years ago, partially due to their drinking and all the complications that ensued. 

I saw these examples, and I didn't wish to go down the same paths as any of these people, closer or farther away from me. I didn't want to be part of a statistical analysis on alcoholism in France / the world, and didn't want to participate in this drinking culture , merely out of my rebellious nature - to set myself apart, as I've always done in my life, as I hate the prison that is called normalcy. 

I also know that alcohol's smell repulses me and how dangerous it is for my emetophobia - both the smell and possible effects from over-drinking are personal triggers.

In the past, I was able to drink very small quantities, like baby-sized cups of wine, and even smaller of digestive liquors, my aversion to the smell and overall taste of such beverages helping to limit these quantities.

My first contact with alcohol was as a young kid ; growing up in a cult where a huge mix of religions was made, and where part of the religious custom was to drink on specific "Holy Days" as they are so-called. I remember that the first effect was nausea, and the second was sleepiness, if nothing happened in-between. 

If anything, my traumatic life experiences have taught me that I become quite obsessed with many things - some cost me only money, like Star Trek, some had cost me maladaptive coping, like video gaming all night when severely depressed. 

I know that if I succumbed and followed the path of self-medication to drown my trauma in the bottle, I'd probably get over the smell and taste, and develop my bud to suit this new addiction, which costs far more than money : it'd cost my healing path, which is already tortuous enough ; it'd risk my physical health as well and complicate everything.  Indeed, I learned of the risks to one's mental and physical health when drinking alcohol, how each element can worsen one another and cause severe complications, such as dependence, slurred speech, behavior changes, hallucinations, damaged organs and more. You can see a list of 23 common ones on healthline.

Some years ago, therefore, I'd made the conscious choice to stop drinking altogether, and the switch from tiny baby-sized cups to teetotal was super easy as a personal decision. I was lucky enough that my family didn't insist that I drink in our gatherings, namely birthdays and xmases. At first, they'd ask, but after they got used to me not even having that tiny drink, they mostly  stopped. 

None of the friends to whose parties I rarely went tried to make me drink, for which I'm grateful and can continue a teetotal lifestyle, thus avoiding any risks of developing alcoholism. That said, I know that I exhibit other obsessive and addictive tendencies to work on as well. 

In the years of personal research, I came to learn of  increased risks of addictions in c/ptsd patients, and that many of my obsessive tendencies could fall under that category, so I am happy that whatever riskier addictions I could face have been either set aside or that I never even started them. 

Having started antidepressants in February 2020 and still treated to this day (though with a different medication), it's another positive aspect to having stopped any drinking before I even started this treatment, because alcohol and most psych meds don't mix well. 

I hope this helps you understand why I won't drink any alcohol quantity, even small - though I may occasionally cook with some wine, as its alcohol evaporates and it adds a richness to the flavor.