441 - Terrorism ptsd

This entry has a medium length, and I suggest you get fully prepared psychologically if the topic at hand is difficult for you, because Multiple trigger warnings apply to its 1,292 words and all the links, both within my blog and the external that I included at the end.


It's time for me to mention that i suffer from one form of ptsd that I have only discussed in person, and even that rather rarely ; I alluded to it once in entry 129 from 2016 ; posted in a short explanation almost two weeks ago, as, one early morning, I had read about the previous night's stabbing attack in Reading, UK.

This form of ptsd, you may have guessed now, is caused by terrorism : from age 9 to 19, when I was living abroad (I arrived there at age 4), there were multiple terrorist attacks in buses, stores and a number of open areas, causing a general unrest ; any suspected object in a bus, bus stop or store would be dealt with as a possible bomb.

We'd be evacuated and kept at a distance, whilst special units would arrive, often delaying traffic for many minutes, even up to hours at a time, so they could check or take the suspected object away/ safely explode it.

There had been other acts, such as abductions, and their subsequent results, that also marked me during those long years - I think you can guess how most of those finished - and how much my anxiety disorders were growing with such high risks. 

I remember that once when I was strolling in the old city there, I heard one of the vendors, with whom I had been drinking tea regularly after I'd bought quite a few items from him, scream to me to move fast, and I did... 
I heard a loud bang and saw smoke...  Soldiers who were stationed at the end of the street and saw it happen, had already rushed to come to my aid and tackled the attacker.  It barely took them  seconds to arrive, and both vendor and soldiers told me it was a Molotov cocktail that was aimed at me!! (I was alone in that street, the soldiers were at the end of it).

Attacks and suspicions happened frequently, and in some periods even daily. I wasn't even 10 when it all started, and the constant state of threat from possible attacks only added to my already strenuous life, which was filled with various traumas - these have been posted about many times (witnessing domestic abuse/violence, experiencing several forms of abuse in my father's religious cult...).

Ever since, especially with recurring attacks in Europe in the past decade, and elsewhere before that, it has been tough for me to deal with news about terror attacks. These struggles have been worse if these attacks were either in that country, or close-by, or in a place where I know someone - like when I read about that attack in Reading : the fact I know someone there (a couple of friends) made it tough for me to function normally that day and the next. I had already experienced this kind of disconnect/dysfunction on many occasions, though not at every single time that I'd read the news. I had kept quiet about it, out of fear of algorithms and using the t word, but it's time that I opened up about it, hence this long entry. 

Apart for my general sluggish brain and reduction in vision (both seemed caused by my antidepressant), this trigger is also the reason why I struggle to share articles in support of BLM or other causes that I'm passionate about, such as feminism and animal rights, and share only a portion of what can be said, due to my relative fragility. 

When I do it, it's here or fb or any other social media... Indeed,  real violence is very triggering for me and  I find it hard to cope, and even think clearly to discuss these important topics. I say real, because I manage to cope with some fictional violence on tv, but even then have to be careful about content. More on that, in another entry.

For now, I return to the main topic at hand, which is how this form of ptsd affects me : 

Since the world is full of various forms of violence, from terrorist attacks to war and passing through police brutality, bigotry-related crimes and more, I tend to limit how much of the news I consume, as any and all of these violent acts are difficult for me to read about, yet along watch. Sometimes, the disconnect is so big, that I'm unaware of many events for months, simply because I felt triggered when I took a pause, which turned from days to such a long period, and even when I read or watch, and want to share about it, I feel overwhelmed and powerless, thus feeling further slowed down, even blocked and unable to function when those triggers grow. 

When I accidentally see graphic content of any of these, the trigger usually activates several of my phobias, in any combination and possible order, especially hemophobia (phobia of blood) ; nausea, which itself tends to be either a symptom or catalyst to trigger my emetophobia ; it can also be a flashback to that Molotov attempt on me or those suspected objects that caused so many delays in my youth, or any of the memories from those initial crystallizing events, and back into the skin of my younger self, afraid of both the external world in which I walk(ed), and the inner world of the cult into which I was born... 

Sometimes, just like any of my other (c)ptsd's, I dissociate after triggers - losing hours of my day, not knowing what I've done, but that hasn't occurred in quite some time, as far as I can recall. 

Thus, triggers from attacks that are targeted towards others, sends me back to my most painful part of formative years, which was filled with multiple sources of fear and terror, from within and without. Is it any wonder that I tend to shut down in such occasions and that I try my best to avoid the news as much as possible ? I think it's only natural, as all of these traumas compounded one another and became somewhat intertwined, early in my life, and it seems so much faster to go from experienced trauma to my mental illnesses, than to heal enough from them, as there are so many! 

To this day, if alone, and sometimes even with someone, I stand farther from the curb when crossing the street, looking around me more than the average, due to hyper-vigilance that comes with (c)ptsd. 

This and more effects from my cptd's in the dedicated entry (303)  in my daily impacts series.

To those asking why repeated trauma here isn't Cptsd and is 'only' ptsd : thus far, cptsd has been a diagnosis not only for repeated and/or young age, but, if you recall my entry 368, limited to interpersonal trauma - though, I have to admit that I'd find it helpful if therapists widened the definition in which CPTSD could be a diagnosis for other kinds of trauma, as long as the other criteria (ie, prolonged, repeated trauma) are also met, simply because those can explain the complications met in healing from such trauma, but for now, we have to accept that the diagnosis is PTSD and to get the proper help by telling enough of it to our therapist, in order to receive valuable advice and heal. 

If you want to read more, here's an external article about the differences between ptsd and cptsd, on cptsdfoundation's website. 

U.S department of Veterans Affairs's Center for PTSD has resources about disaster and terrorism. 

The Lancet psychiatry's Historical overview of PTSD and terror.

PubMed's article and further external links to studies about PTSD following terrorism. 

And quite a few other articles you'll find by yourselves, should you wish to further expand your understanding on these topics.