432 - Resuming Art

(get a cuppa, this entry is 1,783 words long, when you start with the normal fonts).

In 2016, I had posted several entries with my art of that same year as well as some pieces from 2004 until that point, and then I stopped. In the last blog entry about my art, numbered 154, ending 2016, I'd specified that I hadn't taken photos of our xmas decorations, intending to snap some shots and make another entry to post them as well as new art I'd make, and then I simply forgot all about both resolutions, making no new art for several years, until now! 


I had also skipped posting entries with sketches, even those I was happy with, from the same period as post 115, mainly because it's not easy to scan my sketchbook pages, due to size, format and the page-edges which appear faint and showing the folds. 

Before I start scanning those older pieces for future blog entries, I'll concentrate on how I resumed art, and what I made - showing you my scans for my first 2020 project, the first in nearly 3 and a half years! 

The story is simple, and it'll also explain - at least partially - why I've been so irregular in making art. 

Quote entry 112 " In post 111, I mentioned how I've been suffering from emotional numbing and dissociation, as part of my cPTSD.  To help me revive my emotions, I thought of using art as another self-expression tool - aside for my blogs and photography.  But, as I lacked self-esteem regarding my art and the feeling that I was too much of a novice and wouldn't share it outside of my inner circles, I hadn't initially planed to post any of it online. "

Thus, as already alluded to, I struggle with self-esteem, in many life areas, which includes my art. I always felt a discrepancy between my art skill-sets and my imagination, between what I was able to produce, and the envisioned results. Due to this gap and impatience in practicing regularly, and learning to improve my skills, I'd remain stuck in hating the 'ugly phase' of my art, thus attempting to make art in rare occasions, in spurts, every few years - before getting discouraged all over again, losing patience, self-esteem and my will to pursue this tool of expression. 

Recently, my wife shared with me this video which she felt could help me in building my confidence and skills, by accepting to deliberately make something different, wonky, uneven, and unrealistic, by painting a 'quirky bird' and including elements of our personality and what makes us unique into the result.

After watching Willowing's 27 minutes long video, I let the idea simmer in my mind for a couple days, in which I was busy with other activities, and then, on 28/05/2020, sat down to sketch preliminary draft concepts, first of the bird, and then as I grew in inspiration for the unique elements I wanted to include. 

I'll start with the 3 pages of sketches, and attempt to recreate the chronological order for those interested, of this 25-hour long project. 

You'll see in these 3 images several numbers. 1 is the most evident, as I placed it inside the quirky bird itself in the first image, which also shows a 2, for all the extra elements that came to mind - with the marked sketches that my wife helped me with on the left (barely visible due to the scan VS sketchbook page) and the books under and left from the bird. 

The second and third images continue numbering up to 6, again for stages of inspiration. 

As you see, these numbers are more for blocks of ideas and sketches, and since I didn't draw them in any order on the paper, they clustered naturally according to space left. (scroll past them to read the next portion). 

The photos I took of my piece can show some of the evolution, but cannot help tracing which element came first, since I'd sketch one or several, start painting and whilst waiting for the watercolors to dry before applying a second layer, I'd work on either another sketch, or another painting. Hence, I'll show the end result from a scan, and comment on its elements.

So, the quirky bird turned out, in the process of sketching, straight into a hybrid, perhaps with a quirky mouse - at least with the ears - and also with simplified butterfly wings, because these are my favorite bugs. The purpose was to make something fun, and different, with any shape. Thus the head is a bit oval, the body is a triangle and I the wings are in place of the arms, but didn't get their function as my inspiration didn't add hands. 

The prompt for this project was to minimize the color palette, choosing 2 or 3 ; I ended up adapting, though my main can be seen : purple, green, and yellow - with the added orange. 

Tools :  
the outlines first drawn with a mechanical pencil and retraced over with a 0.2mm Staedtler black liner, 
Caran d'Ache Neocolor II water-soluble colors, 
Winsor and Newton Markers,
A White Posca pen 

and watercolor paper 

The first elements I included straight into the sketch were the eyes (but not the lashes), beak, the two starry looking spots on the forehead, the white spots, representing my moles and first colored with the same watercolors as the rest - and emphasized at the end with the Posca Pen, and the Rebel Alliance icon, positioned as if it were a crown. 

The bow-tie was first drawn less recognizable as such, so I soon reshaped and colored that part with the marker, still in the early stages. 

I then added the Starfleet insignia on the 'chest', which I simplified by making only the outlines, but not the inner drawing, and chose not to color as the placing was an afterthought and didn't wish to add yellow on top of purple, risking bleeding issues. 

4 new elements appeared in my next stage : the Tolkien sigil, Mental Health awareness ribbon, the book and the simplified leafy V for veganism as a mouth, just under the beak/nose hybrid. I chose positions and colors to complete one another, in diagonals, and placing them in slightly different angles. 

My wife mentioned that I should have a heart somewhere as I live my life lead by my heart and to also add something to represent my nonbinary nature- which is an important part of me. So after a short reflection, I added the heart on the cheek, the nonbinary flag, and orange tulip, simply because the natural flow of inspiration whilst working on the flag reminded me of my love of flowers. It was during this stage that I thought of adding the eye lashes, though I don't recall at which moment exactly. 

At that point, I felt I needed a break, so next morning I returned to sketches seen in second and third scans above, as inspiration was to add representation for music, another Star Trek reference with the Live Long and Prosper phrase that I love so much, Gender Equality, and the most accepted sign for Atheism. I drafted those sketches several times, before adding them to the WIP I'd left the day before, and decided to start with a green musical note and to paint both Gender Equality and the hand of Live Long and Prosper with the same nonbinary colors from the flag, ending with the Atheist sign in purple, placing each element as complimentary to one another, the note next to the ear, the hand coming out, unrealistically and surreal from the side of the head, and the last two elements on the book pages. 

I felt it was a good moment to finish this, so I retouched only a couple areas I felt weren't too well defined in color, closed the white gaps I'd left in the feet, emphasized some of the 'moles' with the Posca pen, and signed. 

I had to slightly edit the scan for the final painted piece, using Gimp, to show the colors closely to their appearance on paper and worked the sketches' scans, also with Gimp, to show the lines better. 

Now, I want to talk about the process on the mental health and self confidence levels: 

When my wife told me of this video, I wasn't sure that I'd actually go through with it, though it seemed a good idea. Once I started my sketches, I imagined I'd give up as most of the time, but after an initial pushing through the draft sketch, followed by the WIP sketch, which I had started and erased a couple of times before settling into the rhythm, I actually started to enjoy the process of creating something that didn't look real - the hybrid mouse/butterfly/bird was coming to form. I am quite proud of creating the entire piece, from this hybrid and all the ones in and around it, each representing a part of my interests, passions and self identity. 

I chose to simplify some of these elements, such as the Starfleet insignia, or the V for veganism that both have additional portions, but to make most of my elements 'truer to nature', yet including, when possible, something quirky - either in look, or placing. I think the hand is the most successful in that no hand ever naturally comes with these nonbinary colors, and has a surreal position as mentioned earlier. 

From working on the hybrid bird, to adding each element, I found myself surprised that I could draw most of them so close to their original look, right from the first few attempts at sketching - especially the complex Tolkien sigil, and the tulip, which I'd never even tried before this project. In making these small bits, I developed, so it seems, new skills - or they were there before and I simply didn't know till I tried and made them! I find this to a positive effect, which encouraged me and raise my confidence, accepting another challenge from Willowing, and which shall be my next project. 

With extra confidence, there was an immediate boost to my mental health, feeling more assured of my skills, having also had a 25 hour long project helps to grow more patience, and to see that for once, I was able to bridge some of the gap between imagination and formed art, precisely what I was struggling with before I'd started this project!

I was also glad to have discussed this piece with my friend Hannah with whom I've been chatting more often lately, and getting closer as we did so ; it inspired her, in turn, to be more creative, thus having further positive snowball effect, from Willowing to my wife to me and to my friend - and perhaps to you as well ?