431- Trauma lemonades and post-traumatic silver linings

(copyright free image, edited by me. Hope you notice the mashed in word trauma inside the lemonade. Hereafter, 1,639 words). 

I think all my readers know by now that I've experienced multiple forms of trauma in my childhood and youth, resulting in several ptsd's and cptsd's, which have plagued my entire life with lasting effects, symptoms, difficulties and struggles. I wrote about all of these quite extensively, though I feel it cannot ever be exhaustive as that'd require entire (auto/)biographies. 

Thus far, however, I never discussed any positive aspects, either of my traumatic life, or of my struggles with mental illnesses. I had planned to do that 2 years ago, after seeing Sophie Harrison's blog entries about silver linings she'd found in her life, but finding positives in my case have always been tough, so I'd forgotten the entire idea and let time slide by without even starting a draft, until late April. 

Though I wouldn't ever have chosen any of my traumatic circumstances, I did experience some positives, which will be making lemonade out of my trauma ; growing, learning and things retained will be my silver linings.

Let's see some lemonade cups, shall we ?

I'd discovered and lived in a whole new country, with different climate, landscapes, people. There, I learned 2 new languages during all those years, one for the country's native, and also English, which is a very useful one anywhere in the world. Had I remained in my birth country, I might have never learned either, or only English at best, but I doubt I'd ever had the incentive for the third language.

Speaking of studies, despite a chaotic schooling, I'm at least glad I never had to follow regular studies over here, as I would have had to do lab work on animals, which would have been totally contrary to my core, vegan compassionate values.  Am also afraid that had I remained here, these values which are an important part to me, wouldn't have flourished as early as they did.

I got to explore 3 cities and some archaeological sites, rich in history and pre-history, helping to launch a life-long interest into ancient civilizations and enriching my mind and intellect. 
I learned about flora and fauna - most being very local but some serve me to this day even though I'm back in my home-country. 

I had my first hikes as a teen, regularly after school, as cult-escapism ; I plodded in and saw marvellous scenes and nature, growing an appreciation and taste for fresh air, mountains, forests, animals - especially insects and birds. Even here, I hiked numerous times in the mountains, getting physical exercise, more fresh air,  and added the practice of digital photography during my excursions - a logical outcome for the influence my paternal grandfather had over me during my traumatic childhood, thus coming full circle to an inspiration he'd given me, with long lasting positive effects!

During school years, I befriended classmates, one of whom was a key figure in supporting me through my various struggles - already mentioned before on this blog, one M. What I didn't say until now was that he had introduced me to various musical bands and singers, breaking the boundaries of a forbidden cultural interest within the cult, that of secular music, be it pop, rock or oriental alike, as all the musicians M. introduced me to weren't religiously based and contrary to my father's wished tastes in the various religiously based chants. 
I still love quite a few of those bands and singers, though nearly 3 decades have elapsed by now. M. had thus extended my musical field and tastes from the few classical composers that my paternal grandfather had played for me on his record player. In the same act, he helped me build curiosity much further, and nurtured the rebellion that eventually led me out of the cult and back to my home-country, where I reunited with my maternal family - a definite positive.

Let's see some of the retained positive effects are my trauma,  the silver linings section:

Summers there were very hot ; over the years, and until only recently, promoted high tolerance and resistance to heat, a benefit during several heatwaves, as I was able to better withstand the physical efforts than most people around me.

As education within the cult was severely hampered, I became self-sufficient in learning and studying by and for myself ; I elaborated a keen sense of self-reliance, self teaching many subjects which attracted my attention. Thus, I learned two languages to add to my native one.  After their initial necessities and goals, these opened so many doors in my life, from cultural interests, gave me the ability to read, listen and watch to various entertainment and educational sources that wouldn't have been possible otherwise ;  knowing English has helped in countless situations, from online friendships, meeting my wife, the ability to read and watch tv shows/movies in native English (instead of translated or dubbed), and also to learn about many topics that aren't translated, including some of the books, articles and videos I'd checked for a better psychological understanding of my trauma. Thus, English is an integral part of my healing process. I cherish my autodidactic competence as well critical thinking that blossomed out of it.

Part nature, part trauma, I cultivated several traits that are positive aspects of my person, which are, as I allude to, partially 'due' to my trauma :

My compassion towards others, especially other sufferers, but also since early childhood towards animals - which is why I've been veggie, and then vegan, for the majority of my life ;

Having learned about mental illnesses, and also about other topics such as feminism, I have become very passionate about raising awareness, breaking stigma, and when I'm able, to fight against social injustice, at least on my small level as an individual, to be kind/compassionate and not follow in the violent, misogynist and abusive footsteps I was raised to take.  From these, my core values parked and grew.

During my traumatic life, I had escaped into fictional worlds, and developed a sense of imagination, wonder and fantasy, which is partially why I love fantasy and science-fiction, for not only their escapism but also the imagination and sociopolitical comments on our current lives, with warnings as to possible issues and sometimes solutions in our complex world, for a better future if societies and nations listened to the lessons. The lining here is this ability to see and envision further and farther than current situations.

From imagination comes also creative and artistic potentials - which I sometimes undertook in sketches, paintings and sculptures.  Sometimes this creativity takes the form of verbal expression, or found in words, as you can read on over 800 entries spread on 5 blogs! 

Part of my trauma was depersonalization  ; I was shoved into a position of being one tiny, undifferentiated spec in the masses ; another part was classmates bullying me for my differences. Out of my rebellion and experiences at school,  grew my strong sense of uniqueness and embracing my individuality as well as my distinction from the prison of normalcy.

Feelings and expression of emotions as well as opinions were prohibited within the cult ; as part of my post-traumatic growth (aka PTG) which is an integral part of healing and a definite silver lining, is that after having spent over a decade with repression, I grew to express my feelings, emotions and opinions on a regular basis, both within my trauma story and without - a skill that is a work in progress, but nonetheless present.

Despite periodic struggles with my healing process, the very fact that I came out of dire traumatic situations and that many aspects of my life improved over time, I am always aware that despite the work that is left to be done, that I have walked many miles on the path, through hope that I was given/ I found, thus enabling me to find glimmers of hope for other suffers and infuse or empower them - and thus, through possibly that one key conversation we have, can help others see the light at the end of their dark tunnels, or find the path towards it.

Having experienced trauma, I know what it is to struggle, to face adversity, and how lacking certain areas in life can be : these are part of why I developed compassion and empathy, and also why I don't take things or people for granted, and can recognize my few advantages where they may be. When possible, I like to privilege communication over assumptions.

As I lived in a metaphorical and somewhat literal prison in the cult where my individual rights were stripped, I know what it feels like to experience the associated feelings of hopelessness, despair and blocked avenues, I can now recognize and feel gratitude for the freedoms granted by my release from the cult, its prisons, its doctrines. 

I feel gratitude to those who helped my healing and post-traumatic growth, those who guided in forming my own thoughts, opinions, beliefs and values, moving and befriending people freely and marrying a person from my own choice, with no constraints.

There may be positive aspects that I forgot to mention, so if I find more, I'll build into a further blog entry. The goal here was to break from my normal pessimism of seeing the road untrodden as unreachable, and change that into a new vantage-point of noticing the road already taken, the healing and growths already achieved or at least in the making, and some of the positive experiences I had in the midst of my traumatic life itself.

I want to thank the people who's blogs and chats have helped inspire parts of this blog entry : Sophie Harrison for the initial impulse, Nicole 'a beautiful chaos' and Ella, through chats and keywords in your blog entries. All the content above, however, is from my own experiences and in my own words, though am sure you'll recognize which of your words inspired me. 

(1,647 words)