420- From He to They

Most of my readers know that I grew up in a religious cult, where, among other things, gender norms were instilled in me as an integral part of the dogma, and as such, I was to be, and to represent, solely my birth gender male - given to me by 'god'. Any deviation in gender norm, as well as in sexuality, were sins, punishable with eternal damnation, and losing my privileged spot in heaven. 



If you read other entries of this blog, you'll know that ever since I left the cult, I had to rebuild myself as a person, severely psychologically wounded, suffering from emotional scars and lacking in a lot of information and frames of reference.  

Some of these, therefore, pertained to definitions of gender, sexuality, and each other's roles in society. The indoctrination was so ingrained in me, that it took years for me to even question any of the precepts I was forced to believe as a child, and then a teenager. 

For years, I believed there was something actually wrong with me, because of those beliefs. I felt out of phase with most men around me, finding it easier to bond friendships with women than with men ; I felt in tune with, what I could understand from societal terms, my feminine side. I was never interested by topics, hobbies and conversations that were introduced to me as normal for men. 

I had done various tests I found online, and found that I was indeed incorporating both genders in my expression, somewhere between 50-50, almost precisely - some showing 51-49, but never in a wider ranger than this + or - 1% from equilibrium.  For years, I thought that I was born a man/male, and that I was simply in touch with my feminine side, and I was ok with that. 

In due time, I met and chatted with various people, who opened my eyes and educated me about various topics, including LGBT related ones, thus allowing me to broaden my knowledge, unlearn the lies in gender identity and sexuality, and thus, I embarked on a self-discovering journey.

Thus, after learning new terms, LGBT, LGBTQ, then with A, and + ; learning the distinction between gender and sexuality ; I had started breaking down those cisgender normative ideas I had, and started to express what I felt more in tune with within my person, and started identifying, to the best of my then-knowledge, non-binary, gender-queer. 

That was about 3-4 years ago. Last year, I learned that some non-binary persons also fall included in the umbrella of T, as in, Transgender. This is in cases where one identifies with a gender different than the one from birth, which is my case. I feel non-binary, more or less encompassing or possibly being both at once, or possibly neither, and the more time passes in my journey, the more I feel distant from the cisgender norms I was taught as absolutes. 

Exchanging with other trans-gendered persons, I further expanded my understanding that most non-binary people change their pronouns to more neutral forms ; my wife repeated the same information and asked me if I'd want to shift my pronouns, but, I remained indecisive for months, feeling that I had other more pressing maters to attend to in my healing path, and then, I partially forgot the question. 

Some time ago, my wife told me that her cousin had referred to me as they in one of their conversations, and that she hadn't corrected him, because technically this is the most commonly chosen pronoun for non-binary individuals, and thus, after a couple more months of pondering, I decided that today's a good day to come out to you with a request : 

I am going to test They as my pronoun. Though I won't be offended if you refer to me by "he" and its other relevant terms (his, etc), simply because at the moment, this is a preliminary testing period and am sure it'll take each of us time to adjust, I'd appreciate if you refer to me as they, as it'd help me to better discern how I feel about being called they. 

If you ask why do I do this today ? I'll reply thusly: 

In the first place, this has been a very long process for me to unlearn previous dogma and learn not only new information but to define who and what I am as a person - and in the context of this entry, what gender I felt most in tune with and would describe me to others. 

Secondly, I live in France ; I am not too far, geographically, from the UK, where this is LGBT awareness month - thus, I can do this now, and not in October,  based on the USA equivalent.

Thirdly, today I am ready, and so is this rather long blog entry.

Lastly, my friend Ceri is running a series of events in Bath Spa University, for LGBT history month. Tomorrow, there are 2 topics there, including Transgender Awareness training. Thus, I felt compelled to hurry and finish editing this entry, on which I had been working very slowly - at the pace of my introspection on the question - and to publish it now, because, I hope I can discuss these topics with Ceri, and get some additional feedback. 

For now, I'll conclude like so : 

I was born male, a he. I am non-binary, possibly they.