419- Psychotherapy 2020-02-03

I barely blogged here in 2019, so before I go into today's psychotherapy, let me catch up first with my previous session, dating 12th of September 2019. 



During it, we discussed my progress from CBT, the then upcoming trip to London, and updated him about the mediation sessions I'd followed after his suggestion back in May's psychotherapy. 

He then told me as an upgrade for my meditation, I should download and use Insight Timer, and meditate without vocal guidance. 

In today's session, he asked about that trip to London - I answered that it was a very mixed experience, but that I managed my anxiety much better, though I was aware of its presence. 
I told him that I wasn't regular about my meditation, and that, in fact, I had actually dropped it altogether after the initial burst (back then, using Petit Bambou, and Sam Harris' Wake Up), and that I lacked regularity to actually follow through it, especially that I couldn't use these apps in offline mode and have to systematically have access to WiFi as our subscription doesn't include enough DATA. 

I further added that I'd only started using Insight Timer today for one guided meditation and that I don't feel ready to just meditate, in silence, on my own - so, he urged me to resume, and to set a specific hour during my day for this task. For now, I plan to alternate these 3 apps, and use guided meditations and lessons until I can do better. 

When he asked if I still had CBT, I answered  and discussed my progress in and out of CBT - out of it, autonomously working my social exposures, such as when I watched local tennis tournaments, all by myself and said travel to London, and also, within my current CBTherapist's guidance as part of CBT4Emeto - working specifically emet and hemophobia.

I then came one of the chore topics that I wanted to raise today, and that is that despite this slow and limited progress, I not only haven't been too well, I actually have been quite unwell, struggling severely with my depression and cptsd's, that I feel myself sinking further and further, in a downward spiral and that it's really tough to fight like this, every single day. This is compounding my other struggles with daily emet triggers, first thing in the morning when I get up, and often the last thing when I head to bed at night... 

I feel as though as my struggles have overtaken me,  that I feel constantly exhausted from this endless battle against my mind ; that I have never been an optimist person, but that my pessimism and hopelessness  have grown exponentially and that I'v been giving up on my professional chances, with all the bitterness I can feel towards the fact that I cannot even pursue the one goal of being a librarian, due to the way France hires librarians, through governmental contests, and forcing people to move to Paris, for which I am not ready (and have failed those contests anyways). 

I've also given up on a second possible career path, simply because I don't have the physical stamina nor mental faculties to keep constantly updated about the legal evolution within said job, and that even learning it was so tough to comprehend and follow, or even recall any of it due to my mental exhaustion, lack of concentration and cognitive difficulties resulting from my struggles with mental illness. 

I'll admit here also that at my age, with my current struggles with multiple mental illnesses, I feel as though I am unemployable - that I wouldn't hire myself for anything, and though I'm aware part of this may very well be self-stigma, this is what I feel, and have grown to feel more and more in past few years. 

His advice was that I shouldn't judge myself this harshly, that I don't need to think about the future but the now, and only the now at the moment - with the help of meditation, and his second suggestion : he prescribed me a very small dosage of a neutral anti-depressant, called Paroxetine (aka Deroxat)- which is an SSRI, Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor - starting at half a pill, once, daily, for 3 months - with a control in 2 &half months to see how I'm doing with it (treatment and depression state).

So, after years refusing to use psych medication, I had first accepted a use-when-needed anti-anxiety (Atarax, a couple years ago), and now, I finally take the plunge to try a first anti-depressant in my life, simply because I feel myself sinking so low that I see no success in self-research, work, and patience, and that, maybe, this tool would help balance my brain a bit, for a bit more functionality, and less diving into these deep murky ocean. 

I checked this SSRI's ingredients, they don't contain dairy, lactose, not even gelatin, so that's good. There are a bunch of E's in there, most are vegan, and a few are on ?, may or may not be.
At this current juncture, I must try this treatment and see if I respond to it well - the therapist warned I may feel a bit unsettled stomach or more, when I first start it, so I won't be taking that first thing in the morning as he had initially said, but a bit later, and long enough before lunch, to avoid any further emet-triggers. 

I went to the session quite emotionally drained ; I still feel utterly low, fatigued, and exhausted. Tomorrow, I start this new treatment, after I go to the pharmacy. 

As usual, I didn't get around to discuss a few other concerns, but feel that despite this tiring session, it was productive, and, as my wife pointed out when I got home, I am being pro-active again in my own recovery, by accepting to try medication, which I had refused so long. 

Next session, 27th of April, a bit less wait- I guess he saw this time how low I've become and wishes to follow me slightly faster than before, for an update about this medication. 

Any advice on starting a new, first anti-depressant, are welcome, thank you for that and for having read this long entry.

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