418- CBT4Emeto - 30-31

Continuing my exposure tasks for the last few CBT4Emeto sessions have usually been difficult but brought steady progression. 

Today I shall discuss sessions 30-31, from 13/01 and from today, 28/01/2020. 

Henceforth, my habitual trigger warnings are reiterated.       



A reminder of our exposure task numbers : 

2 - further reducing my avoidance of garbage in the streets, by walking no more than a meter away. 
3- sorting laundry 
4- washing dishes and concentrating, when I can, on the way the dishes are made, not about their dirt. 
5- to take my glasses off and to squint for bloody scenes on TV. 
6- fewer layers of paper towel when cleaning the sink. 
7- Constricting the neck : depending on the season, and during daytime, I have to avoid using my wide collared tshirts, shirts, and wear narrower collared ones instead ; or, I have to use a scarf, for the same purpose of creating the sensation of constriction, for as long as I can. 
At night, I'm still allowed to use my wide collars.
8-when I feel hair getting caught in my mouth, I have to wait 30 to 60 seconds, BEFORE removal., so I can get used to that feeling and, in time, not be triggered by it. (this task was added on session 30)

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I have been doing as much as I could of each for several months now ; on session 30, I was to concentrate on tasks 7, 8 and 5, but still having to pursue the others. 

I'll mix and match both report about tasks from the previous session and discuss in the same paragraphs, what remains to be done from today to the next. 

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Today's report was a mixed one with some relative success with task 5. In the past few weeks, we have been re-watching NYPD Blue, a police drama show which had started in 1993. At times, it has very graphic, bloody scenes, which I'm still unable to watch. However, with CBT exposures, I have been managing seeing either the tail end, or, in most cases, the beginnings  of these scenes, with the usual glasses-off, eye-squinting techniques, before blocking my view of the more severe parts of them. 

I was able to see most or all of the other, lower graphic, bloody scenes in other occasions whilst watching this show, including many scenes that, despite their lower graphic level, I had previously avoided. Thus, at a very few moments, I managed to watch scenes with a little blood, without evening using the glasses-off, sometimes without evening squinting!!! 

I never thought the day would come when I'd say this, but it has arrived : in the past 2 weeks, the exposure work of the past few months, have finally paid off with this moderate improvement. 

I applied the same method whilst re-watching, a couple days ago, The Fifth Element. Here, and also in a couple scenes of NYPD Blue, I noticed that when squinting my eyes, that the scenes weren't as horrible as I 'd remembered. I told this to my CBtherapist today and that I have the distinct impression that when I used to avoid everything with blood, that scenes became exaggerated in my mind and that now, not avoiding but applying exposure techniques, I can see for myself that a) I can actually see - though blurred for most cases - some bloody scenes, and b) that anticipating grave, severe, graphic content, adds to the anxiety and thus, any scenes, even mild, becomes huge in the mind.

One final point about the show-re-watching, the movie Fifth Element, and others that I'll watch in the same exposure spirit : my current CBT4Emet is globally for all 4 phobias that are intertwined into emet ; the current task 5 is about the blood part, and nothing else. I am not ready to actually watch portions with emet--triggers themselves, nor am I supposed to do that just yet. 

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With the bad, colder and rainier days lately, I had no choice but to do task 7 quite often ; I wore collared-shirts more frequently, and today, even  2 scarves (1 inside my coat, the other around it) to get my CBT itself. I am to continue this, with an expansion of wearing turtlenecks again, something that I haven't been able in about 3 winters (they've been sitting on my shelves). 

So, first thing I did upon returning from my session, after taking off my scarves, coat, and changed into house-wear, was to also change my sweater (a Star Trek one, btw), with almost no collar, to a low-turtleneck one that am wearing right now as I compose (oof, I can feel its constriction and may take it off in a while- the goal isn't to choke myself but to re-acclimate myself to sensations of constriction and wear scarves, collars and now turtlenecks as often as possible) - for the moment, a task for the daytime. 

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I mentioned that when our paper towel stock-pile had gone low, I found myself using only 1 layer on about 50% of cleaning tasks, and still 1.5 on most of the remaining 50%. This was an accidental progress, which I have to pursue whenever possible, and corresponds to task 6.

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In the past 2 weeks since session 30, I had only a couple opportunities to do task 8 (hair in mouth) ; I am to continue this whenever it happens. 

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My next session is in 3 weeks, on 17/02. Until then, I have to continue all my tasks 2-8, with a special emphasis on 7 (neck constriction) and 5 (blood, glasses off,squinting the eyes). 

I find that despite a slower progress than cbt for social phobia, visible through comparative numbers of sessions (already at 5 more),  I had foreseen such a slow pace, as I knew recovering from these tremendously difficult, pervasive, intertwined phobias, totally integrated into my whole person, was bound to be slow and difficult. I am on the path, and thank my cbtherapist for her patience and receiving me after such a long time - and that our healthcare allows such lengthy process. 

Thank you also for my mh-twitter friends who helped me through this, those who understood because they suffer from the same, or took a leap of compassion when they didn't, and supported me through this long journey. 

(1,042 words long).