412- Meditation past and present

(photo and edit by me)

As you may have seen in post 410, my psychotherapist had suggested back in May to use a meditation app called "Petit Bamboo".  I was to apply it 10 daily minutes, after interrupting any other activity and following three guidelines. 

To quote said entry:    No judgement, No expectations, No failure 

He told me that the app is based on a scientific approach from a therapist who took parts of eastern philosophies and turned them to a scientifically proven tool, without the woo or spiritual aspects. 

Indeed, my previous meditations had always been based on spirituality and part of the depersonalization that i was subjected to in my father's cult, whereas now, with a psychological and scientific base, centers not on god, nor my father's spiritual wellbeing, but on me, my body, my sensations, my thoughts ; learning to see when these thoughts start to drift away, bringing them back and refocusing, concentrating once more on my body, breathing, sensations. In the cult, it was mind numbing, meditating about god, my father, and that i was nothing, a mere spec of god that has to be humbled down and that my ego had to be shut off, because it was a sin to think and to concentrate on the body. 

The body was seen only as a vehicle, and any physical activity had always had to have a spiritual purpose : to serve god, my father, the grand family that was composed of his followers. Anything outside of that - physical exercise, sport, health, all of it was deemed a sin, because detached from god and the spiritual reality. 

Upon my return to my birth country, I had tried meditating once more, but had always found similar approaches, based on spirituality and on woo - magical thinking and pseudo-scientifically rooted. So, in those meditation attempts, my mind would wander off on its own accord, and I thought it was normal, because all that I had learned before was mind numbing and distancing oneself from oneself. Those earlier attempts invariably failed me. I'd often doze off, and reenact, or re-live depersonalization. Sometimes, this would go farther, and I'd experience dissociation from my Self.

I noticed that with this present exercise, using "Petit Bambou", that by listening to the instructions, I was able to recognize that my mind was starting to wander off. With the auditory message and repetition of the 3 guidelines cited above, I was able to refocus my attention on my breathing as directed to, and didn't judge this little mind-travel. I was reminded that this is perfectly natural. 

I am glad that the therapist suggested this tool. I also installed "Headspace" that a friend suggested, as well as "Waking Up" with lessons from Sam Harris, an atheist activist, philosopher and author who has been practiting meditation for 30 years. 

I didn't start those two yet, but plan to give them each a test soon, because there is one issue I see in "Petit Bambou" : I must be connect to the Wi-Fi, in order to be logged in & keep track of my daily progress, so I’d have to use it only at home. I hope these other two tools will allow an offline mode, to conserve progress data and update it once on Wi-Fi, because it'd help greatly to be able to exercise my meditation without the Wi-Fi at times. 

I have to emphasize that a scientific approach of meditation and mindfulness reassures me greatly, contrary to all the pseudo-scientific and pseudo-spiritual ones available everywhere. A very important aspect of this is that in meditation, I don't disconnect from myself (nor my Self) but learn to re-train my brain to focus into the present moment, and regain control over it. I shall learn to discern when it starts to wander off, and in time, to bring it back. It may take a while, short or long, and thus, the three rules cited must apply. I should never expect any quantifiable and measurable improvement, but to simply strive towards them. Thus, without any expectations, I cannot fail, and cannot, or should not, judge the speed in which I learn and achieve these tasks. 

Focusing on the present moment has always been one of the toughest for most people, and especially after my experiences in my father's cult, where past, present and future were all geared with spiritual purposes, and given only spiritual meanings. I might discuss those in a separate entry. 

Another difficulty with past, present and future arose upon my return from that life in the cult : my cptsd's often bring me back into my traumatic past, by re-living it, by existing in it, with fears about the future (immediate, near, or far, all alike), and forgetting the present altogether. The present was often swallowed in my struggles, and my life quality had been impaired, in many portions and many occasions. Thus, it was rather rare that I could enjoy a specific moment. That said, I did have many beautiful, enjoyable and pleasant moments in some present(s) but the overall difficulty in recovery has been precisely that : of fully living the moment, without fear, stripped of the heavy burdens that I carried with me everywhere, anywhere, almost every single moment of my life. 

Now, with meditation based on a psychological and scientific research, I hope that I can correct these and learn to live the present moment that never comes back. 

This is where the term mindfulness really needs to sink in : to be mindful of each moment, of my sensations, my body, my thoughts wandering away and to bring them back, consciously, because this is the method, the present experiment, and also a goal. I could call it a packaged deal. 

So, I'll be posting reviews and parts of my experiments with each of the above mindfulness apps - possibly others if I ever need any other. 

Until then, thank you for having read me, and if you have suggestions, don’t  hesitate to drop me a line. 

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