410- Psychotherapy 2019-05-20 and extensions

As I said in my 409th blog entry, dedicated to the last 4 CBT4Emeto sessions, I haven't blogged here for 3 months, and have now started working to catch up on my content. 

This entry is about my psychotherapy session from 20th of May, just about 6 weeks ago.


As often, I discussed my progress in CBT and then move on to other topics, such as my chronic depression and two main concerns that I hadn't really addressed before : 

1. Experiences of dissociative episodes, be them precisely dissociation or something very similar, that I cannot be fully sure of. Either way, in the months leading to this particular session, I had been going through these, with moments where, left alone, I would lose track of time and forget what I had done, up to 4 hours at a time. The only verifiable portions would never take me that long, so I am left with gaps in memory and since I was alone in those instances, I cannot tell for sure if what I saw and heard were real or if I'd also gone though delusions/ hallucinations that would normally accompany that dissociative state. This cannot be ascertained at all, but I do know that in my late teens, i had experienced those. 
2. One aspect of my depression regards my identity. I cannot define much of it and never know where my mental illnesses stemming from my trauma end, and where I begin, as a person. (read for example entry 342) 

As we discussed these issues, the therapist was a bit dubious as to my having an actual dissociative episode because I didn't report hallucinations nor psychotic breakdowns. He's not sure of what term would apply best, since I cannot describe what I don't know myself, from those lapses in time. So, dissociative-like episodes is a term we agreed upon for the time being, to represent them. 

Despite some issues I have about this therapist not accepting the possibility that I may also have Asperger's, I am grateful for his feedback. Contrary to the previous one who only took notes and never even broached diagnosis terminologies with me, this one interacts and discusses terms, which help me better understand what I'm going through and search for new coping tools. 

Through our conversation about the above issues, I realized with his help that they are interconnected and pertain to the same causes : my entire childhood and teen years lived in my father's religious cult, wherein I was subjected to daily basis. 

We came to the conclusion that these traumatic experiences, lived from birth to age 19 are the most probable cause to both dissociative-like episodes throughout my life, and my difficulties in defining who I am as a person, outside of my trauma and mental illnesses.

Next, we considered the fact that what happens in those moments where I lapse and lose touch with reality is the direct result of all my trauma, especially depersonnalization and conditionning in the cult where reality itself was bent to shape the manipulative needs of my father, via his so-called spiritual messages. 

Another part of this is the brain's coping by cutting out the real world, simply because it's difficult to endure on a moment's basis. 

From the various causes, I experience, therefore, lapses where I lose touch with reality and track of time. This I know, because of several instances when my wife came back from 3, 4 or 5 hours away, asking what I'd done, and I had absolutely no clue. The common ground in these experiences is that, for a time, I am not living in the moment. My brain flies away, on its own accord, much like the depersonalized and altered perceptions I had when my father had given me LSD to come closer to god... (read this)

My therapist suggested the Petit Bambou app, offering several guided mindfulness exercises, to apply 10 minutes a day, during which I interrupt my gaming, my reading, or chatting online, to concentrate a bit more on me, and my own healing. 

He gave me three important guidelines in doing these exercises : 

1. No judgment 
2. No expectations 
3. No failure 

He told me that the app is based on a scientific approach from a therapist who took parts of eastern philosophies and turned them to a scientifically proven tool, without the woo or spiritual aspects. This reassured me, because there are so many pseudo-scientific approaches ot meditation and mindfulness all over the internet. 

He also explained that this isn't for me to meditate and disconnect, but quite the contrary, to train, or rather, re-train my brain to focus into the present moment, and regain control over it. To learn to discern when it starts to wander off, and in time, to bring it back. It may take a while, short or long, and thus, the three rules cited must apply. I should never expect any quantifiable and measurable improvement, but to simply strive towards them. Thus, without any expectations, I cannot fail, and cannot, or should not, judge the speed in which I learn and achieve these tasks. 

His suggestion was, as I said, on the session of May 20th. Shortly after, I had mentioned this to my very good friend Lucy, who added two suggestions : 

Another mindfulness app she uses, called Headspace, and the game 1010! Color to relax with, maybe the same way as I do with my Sudoku ones. 

A few days, I downloaded and installed them all, but noticed that the mindfulness apps require a login. Unsure what to do, I had left them aside, and followed the tennis French Open, Roland Garros. I got busy, distracted with other things and get recalled about those apps.

I haven't used them yet, but decided to link their accounts not ot my Facebook where I don't wish constant ads, but via the email linked to this very blog. So, creating those accounts is on my to-do list for this weekend. 

In the meantime, I talked about this in my CBT sessions from 27th of May, only a week after this psychotherapy, and my CBtherapist said that if I cannot use or don't find these apps sufficient, that she can record on my phone additional mindfulness exercises as she has done with other patients. I see her next Monday, so after this weekend's initial tests with Petit Bambou and Headspace, I should be able to decide if they're enough or not.  If needed, i'll ask her for tips at least as to how to get started, because I lacked the motivation despite the needs and suggestions. 

The last topic was about friendships, and his most important piece of advice was that I have to ask myself if I enjoy the person's company, or if I feel I need that person for any reason. It is best to spend time when I enjoy and not to have to need them to exist, and thus, I have embarked on the next stage of my online friendships, further deleting people who have ghosted me, to whom I was clinging out of need, and concentrating on friends I enjoy conversing with and thus far, have reduced my "needs" ones out of my circle. 

My next psychotherapy is in September, and though that is long, it also gives me time to implement such advice, as I'm very slow, especially with changes that imply self-care, because, specifically, of these depersonalized aspects of my difficult to define Self and which hinder acceptance of my own worth and endeavors to heal. 

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