409- CBT4Emeto - 17-20

I hadn't posted anything on my blog for over 3 months, so today I'm working on catching up, first with my CBT4Emeto, sessions 17 to 20.   Their dates were April 1st and 19, May 5 and 27. 


It took me this long, because I've been busy with other things,  lacking energy, brain power, inspiration, and something the motivation to even compose blog entries that I felt aren't really read by anyone.

I decided that after all the efforts in blogging for 3 years, I should resume, regardless. 

Henceforth, my habitual trigger warnings are reiterated. 


In reference to session 15 ,  I'd mentionned to my therapist that I'd been struggling increasingly over the past year with that nasty symptom of constrictions in my throat, often feeling as If I'm choking and this, in turn, triggering nausea, and my emet. 

My exposure tasks have been the same over the last few sessions, because my CBtherapist wishes me to become more accustomed to them and that they become a normal aspect of my routine, instead of difficult tasks. They are, for the time being, to apply as much and as often as possible. 

We came to number these tasks, to save time in referring to them - having each a copy of the list. 


(1 was only in January)
2 - further reducing my avoidance of garbage in the streets, by walking no more than a meter away. This has been a consistent issue for me, as I'd often had to cross the street. Overall, this exposure is a bit less strenuous, but I occasionally still walk farther than a meter - especially if the trash cans are full, waiting to be emptied, and also, epsecially if I'm walking in their vacinity shrotly after having eaten. My success thus far is mixed, but at least, I no longer cross the street. 
3- sorting laundry : there came a point where my wife did all that whilst I was running errands. She caught up with most of it, so I'm doing this a bit less often now. 
4- washing dishes and concentrating, when I can, on the way the dishes are made, not about their dirt. Thus far, I did only sporadically since this task was implemented. My usual coping mechansim is through listening to music, and sometimes singing along. When triggered, I still have to take a break, breath fresh air at the window, and some evening have had to skip part or whole dishwashing sessions because I was far too triggered. 
5- to take my glasses off and to squint for bloody scenes on TV (more or less successful but not automatic yet)
6- fewer layers of paper towel when cleaning the sink. Before implementing this, I had used several layers, multiple times. Since CBT4Emeto session 18, I have been limited to 2 layers at a time, with more or less difficulties, but still managing. 

Thus far, even after 4 additional sessions geared to stabilize them, each of these tasks have been only a partial success and either stagnating or a limited, small progress was won through them. 

For me, CBT for emeto is far more difficult than that for social phobias. The levels of anxiety in the latter had reduced by 35% over the course of my sessions, but for emeto, it hasn't had a proper reduction as of yet. It's a daily struggle that I am trying my hardest to beat, with so few moments of respit from emeto triggers, that it reduces my overall quality of life. 

Since this phobia is so ingrained and so insidious, and have been with me for over 3+ decades, it won't go away in 20 sessions of CBT, no matter what duration, frequency and intensity. I'm tyring, but for the moment, it's beyond my capacity, and thus, I struggle on a daily basis with various triggers, and have to retreat, breathing fresh air outside or at the window, taking my time for tasks such as dishwashing, and still having to avoid many tasks that you'd judge routinely easy for you. 

During the 20th session, I also mentioned another aspect of my private life, on the sexual level, that is impacted by emeto triggers. We'll start working on this on session 21, on July 1st. 

Also, in my psychotherapy session from May 20, 2019, which I'll blog next, I had discussed some dissociative struggles I had been going through. My therapist had suggested a mindfullness app, and when I mentioned this to my CBtherapist, she said that if that app doesn't work for me or isn't enough, she can help also with that, as she does with other patients. She'd record the excercice for me via a recording app on my phone, to use when I need. 

Thus far, I didn't even start using the mindfullness apps that were suggested, but I'll talk about this in my next blog entry, this afternoon. 

(813)