407- CBT4Emeto - 15

Today, just under a month since the previous session, I pursued my CBT4Emeto with a 15h session, or 39th overall with my current CBtherapist.

As always, in view of content and how emet can trigger people who suffer from it, trigger warnings apply.



Reporting to my CBtherapist today of the past couple weeks, on how I managed, well or not, each exposure task she'd set for me, was a tainted by the extra difficulties I'd been experiencing in the past few months, with the worsening of my emeto-triggers and of one particular symptom : that of constantly feeling as if my throat is choking. 

I told her how this constant sensentation of choking affects my everyday life, and wardrobe. Not only do I almost systematically avoid wearing shirts and sweater/jumpers with high, tight and narrow collars, but I have also been choosing tshirts with wider necklines, set lower on my chest than before. 

I had to cut slits in my PJ tops, as I had started waking up in the middle of the night, with extreme nauseas when wearing tight, consrictive tops. I had to run to the window, sometimes at 3AM, so I could breathe fresh (often very cold) air, to avoid being sick. The same action that I've been doing in the daytime, if triggered by dishwashing, or when removing hairs from sick and tub filters, or emptying the trash. 

My overall life quality have thus dwindeled. My struggles with depression have been compounded by these repeated and multiplied emeto-triggers and all those constant constricting sensensations, always on the verge of choking and of nausea. 

Over time, I had to widen the slits that I had previously cut in my tops, to match the level of emeto-choking, nauseating sensenations. I simply cannot deal with things anymore, and even, back in January, whilst in cinema for Lord of the Rings marathon, I had to quickly take my top off so I could keep only my wider collared tshirt, as I was triggered and struggled greatly. 

I shouldn't need to do any of that in any situation ; movie and tv watching isn't pleasant, and though my wife and I often joke that such and such program would ruffle my fragile petals, and that the ones I do watch are filtered and have to be nearly PG friendly for me to truly enjoy, or else, I have to hide from so many scenes - or, more recently, take my glasses off and squint during the milder forms of blood and on-screen violence. 

Washing dishes shouldn't require 20 to 40 minutes, nor multiple breaks, nor running to breathe fresh/cold air at the window, and I shouldn't need to wake up with nausea just because my pj is tight... 

I shouldn't need to reduce layers of clothing and feel cold as a better solution to choking. 

I shouldn't need to call my mother or a friend to help clean a clogged sink. 

All these things and many others are ruined for me by emetophobia. Emetophobia, especially such a complex and massively triggerable as mine, is painful to experience and go through on daily basis for over 3 decades. I truly feel that the past couple years, this phobia has ruined so many moments for me, that my quality of life isn't what it should be. 

So, instead of a basic and dry report of my CBT session, you may get a better picture of how difficult it is for me to go through it, on top of all my other mental illnesses. 

Until next session, which will be on 15th of March, I have to continue all my tasks as outlined in entry 406, already hyper-linked above. 

For next one, my therapist asked that I bring my light scarf and that we'll work on this choking business, and until then, I am to avoid further widening all those slits I mentioned... The time to tackle that particually difficult aspect is coming, and at least, quite near, as she gave me an appointment in only 2 weeks! 

Phew, this was harder to type than expected. Thank you for bearing with me to this end.