383- DeepRession

(image is copyright free that I found online)

I had intended a regular update about my health - physical and mental - during this year, and had posted them every few weeks. I wanted to do that for July, but didn't get around to it, and quickly, found myself at the end of August. Instead of the usual kind of post, I'm going to talk about the topic hinted to in the title : my knee-deep depression, into which I sank, a pit from which I cannot find a way out, as of yet. 


Truth be told, I fell into my depression, or rather DeepResseion for quite some time. These past 2 months, it worsened in many degrees, from several sources.

This combination of factors brought me to this extreme low mood, and in no particular order :

• Feeling un-cared for by most of my online, and some of my in-person, friends. People who should know better, don't seem to ever check on me, and if I'm not the one to make the effort and first gesture of contacting, they never do - with few exceptions. 
• But, some of the people that I messaged haven't even got back to me since last year! 
• This seems to be a trend in my life, and I wonder what the hell did I do wrong that so many people use me as a 1-way street, taking and taking, never giving. What is it?!?! 
• Chronic physical pains.
• Settling in never ending routines, that are weighing on me quite heavily. Some of them due to living at the mercy of my emeto (having, for instance, strict order in daily activities) 
• Generally feeling that I can never heal enough to ever become functional enough. 
• Feelings of hopelessness about the future, and lacking a sense of direction, of purpose, and usefulness. 
• No inspiration for blogging + feeling no one reads me or returns my many comments on blogs & vlogs 

As a result of this lack of inspiration, and apparent useless blogs, I contemplate/d stopping all of them. not just this one ; or maybe turning them into private journals that only I could ever read and remember my thoughts, opinions and feelings on the variety of subjects I've raised in a series of monologues. I have dozens of drafts and until tonight with this present entry, I couldn't even concentrate 5 minutes to complete any of them. 

Because of my de(e)pression, and getting so few messages in the past few weeks, I've been coming online far less. Instead, I read books, and play video games on my phone. If it hadn't been for those few close friends who did check on me in this long period, I would have deleted all my social media, from Facebook to Twitter, Instagram and my never-watched Youtube videos. I did, however, delete Whatsapp and Snapchat, since I couldn't understand them. 

I've been enjoying life and many of my hobbies and activities far less. I listen to music less frequently, and becoming antisocial and closing into my shell, and into books and getting lost in video games. At least, I still enjoy those, but what if I lose these as well ? What then? I have no clue! 

Overall, I let go of self-care routines, barely shaving, not even replacing my holed sock, not doing facial treatment, only the bare minimum one must do (you know, washing hands etc). I simply don't feel worthy to take care of myself, nor of my appearance - especially that I stay home most of the time, apart for physiotherapy, errands and shopping. 

I'll keep this entry short. My inspiration already dried out.