381- Mental illness and gaming

Today I want to discuss gaming, and how games relate to my struggles with mental illnesses.


More specifically, how one can lead to the other.  Indeed, out of struggles with depression, for instance, I may withdraw into games, especially video games, as a form of self-isolation and wishing to both disconnect from the real world, and to escape into an imaginary one, or at least, into a distraction from the real. In this, I mean that not all games offer fiction and fantasy, but all offer escapism. It goes without saying that I don't play games solely when I struggle, I quit enjoy games, but when I do struggle, they are helpful in relief, or cause their own issues, and everything in between. 

Years ago, I had passed long nights playing, obsessively isolating from the world, and taking shelter in the lands of Vvardenfell, in the game Morrowind. A few years later, I withdrew into Oblivion, another Elder Scrolls game, but no longer passing all-nighters on it. In the first case, during my early discovery of Morrowind, I wasn't only enthused about it, but I was also really isolated in life. I barely had any friend, and the one I has was toxic. I couldn't rely on him or anyone during that time of my life, in which I was severely depressed and lonely. I'd escaped into that game, losing track of time, and I'd call it a game-addiction at this point. I'll raise both topics of addiction and toxicity elsewhere, the drafts are being made. 

In the second case, by the time I played Oblivion, I was relatively more stable, had a few more friendships, had had better experiences and life circumstances, and thus, my struggles were lessened. 

Whenever I'de be attacked in those games, I'd feel a sense of anxiety, but it wasn't too bad, and partially overridden by the adrenalin rush of adventure ; I quickly found ways to strengthen my characters, using all kinds of magic and potions to become invisible and strong, and set beginner, low level of game difficulty, and thus, feared attacks much less. 

Later, I discovered, first a demo, and then a full-version of the game Deadlock : planetary conquest. It was basic, I managed it well, and found how to play it safely, with no real anxiety. The AI level of this me VS NPC's was more than matched. 

This past week, I've been playing a similar conquest game, called Rise of Civilisation, which taught me a lot about my struggles, both with depression, and with GAD (should be called Grandiose Anxiety Disorder, but is simply known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder).  
I had been feeling very depressed lately, and when I saw that game, I thought it'd be like Deadlock. I downloaded it, and started playing. I was quickly attacked, but the difference with this game is that am not against NPC's ; I'm playing against others on their own phones. I used one of those items I was given at the start, a peace shield, immediately. Things calmed down, and I played on. I teleported to one area, and then another - to be close to my alliance members. Well, I barely got there, I was repeatedly attacked by their immediate neighbors, who are members of another alliance. My anxiety have been going up a lot. I raised the shields, and thought I'd be fine gathering ressources, but, no, I was again attacked, and all these have been by people who have much stronger Commanders than mine, so I suffered many wounded troops. Not 15 minutes on the new land, I regretted having gone there from my initial, more peaceful location, and left just before my Shield disengaged, this evening. I couldn't go on with all the anxiety that comes with multiple attacks and defeats, I'd rather attack and vanquish, but I also realize my current noob limits. Then, I suffered just one more attack - probably everyone going crazy today, as the developers decided it was a kill-day (you must attack several people to get bonuses). Now, it's night time. It's more peaceful, but I got my shield on, my eyes and ears to make sue that I remain safe while I gather the last ressources for my own tasks. To be honest, am not sure how long I'll continue playing this particular game, as it caused so much stress. 

Other games can cause me stress and anxiety, such as Pacman, some tough fighting games, and some road security games, but others are actually pleasant, as long as I don't anticipate winning: Monopoly, Risk, Checkers (UK : Draughts), Chess, or even less stressful and quite fascinating to play are word or puzzle games, say, Sudoku, Scrabble, Farm Heroes saga, Bubble Witch, Bricks breaker quest, Block party...), which I can play, stop, not having to obsess about as much, and don't cause stress - though they can boggle the mind when I don't find solutions. 

Playing with other people can have various effects, obviously. Firstly, by the nature of the game, and secondly by how competitive and/or attentive the person is. If a person has no attention span (such as my gran), I had to learn to accept that not only this is her character, but also her forgetfulness and aging. With her, the game is just to pass the time. I like playing with friends, for example Risk (we have 2 kinds Napoleon, or Lord Of the Rings, and have played the Star Wars version with a friend to whom we offered it). 

I especially love playing cards with my wife, we have great fun, and have played at home, with my nan at hers, or in transit (trains, long inter-city bus rides). It's fun, but I would never play for cards or any other game for money, against anyone. My image of that of a situation which would most probably cause problems, and anxiety, off course. 

I didn't mention all the games that I ever played, there are far too many. Some are on PC, others in arcade (back in the day), others are board, or on phone (including versions of board and PC games). 

When I don't struggle, games are a positive pass-time ; I love puzzle and word games, where I can think ; I like some puzzle and math or number games, which make me observe. Games which aren't anxiety conducive, or when I'm not already on high-alert mode, are pleasant, and help socializing in the case of cooperative, in-person games (cards, board). They can be great fun and relax my tensions. So, it all depends on how stressed I already am, the nature of the game, if am alone or not.

What about you ? do you find games only good, bad, in between ? do they help you cope with anything in particular ? do they cause anxiety or other struggles ? Tell me in the comments, if you like! 

Thanx for having read to the end! And, oh, before I forget, did you know I also have a blog about games ?