371- 2018.5

It's the first of July, marking the halfpoint of this year - hence my blog title. This is the first health update in several months - in fact, 2 and a half of them, as you can see! 


Since last time, my DFSP post-op recovery had slightly improved, as my daily and continuous pains had reduced in intensity and frequency, only to grow back to a daily basis in the past 3 weeks. Most of these are manageable and occur first thing on the morning, and last at night, when going to bed. But, at times, these pains, caused by my nerve endings reconnecting and taking the form of electrical jolts, have been quite intense. Last week, for instance, as I'd been up a lot for a few days, ending with 2 friends' visit for a whole Saturday afternoon and evening, my leg started to ache and my wound hurt so badly, that I became dizzy and felt about to faint! I had barely the time to sit on my chair, and it took me a good half an hour for these aches to subside.

I've been folding my left leg most of my post-op recovery, as I find it tough to keep it straight. I seem to have now, after 5 months of this, shortened my muscles, and I feel so out of shape and as if the bottom of my leg is going to drop off from its knee-socket... I must make a GP appointment to renew my physiotherapy prescription, and to get an appoint so I can finally start working on getting physically better. 

My mental health has been all over the place : my CPTSD nightmares resumed with a vengeance and I once again feel sleep deprived and perturbed by their onslaught ; I experienced renewed difficulties in concentration and memory, and feel overall tired, fatigued, and have fallen asleep for naps, or dozed off for a few moments to a couple of hours at a time. 

I feel  irritable, due to this disturbed sleeping pattern - waking up 2 to 5 times a night - and at the mercy of mood swings and my depression sinking, on and off. Lately, in the midst of this depression, I've been also going through the motions regarding my self-worth - and as a result, I've been sulky, broody, not really reaching out to others to ask for their support, and depriving myself from self-care routines, not making medical appointments like I should have (several needs to be done), and also depriving myself from pleasurable online moments - refusing my wife's offers to use her laptop, and remaining on the sofa or the chair, twiddling my thumbs or mindlessly scrolling on the phone but not doing what I wanted to do online (reading, blogging, chatting...). Today, she pointed this out to me, again, how I have been acting weirdly and moodily, how I've been performing a form of self-punishment and I'll discuss this topic more in depth in my next entry. 

My chronic pains and lack of stamina have collaborated in my depression, lowering my overall mental health which hasn't been that great to begin with. This has caused me a slower pace in exposures as part of my CBT4Emeto, and going out or inviting/visiting friends less than I'd initially wanted for 2018. 

In parallel, I had some positives : I read a lot of books (about to finish my 15th of the year) ; I kept my blogging steady, though I almost stopped it again... I had a few chats with friends over FB, twitter and occasionally Skype, which I love doing. 

More to come soon! Such as another blog entry!