354 - Ugliness in CPTSD's

As part of a collaborative blog post that Angela posted for mental health awareness week 2018, I volunteered to discuss the ugly side of my CPTSD's, discussing in 100-150 words for her post, which I'll expand further in my own entry here. 

This is the direct link to her entry from yesterday, where my condensed text appears alongside others, covering the ugly side to 11 different mental illnesses. I hope you'll give it a read and support Angela and each participant. 

For this awareness week, I'll post different entries and use the official #mhaw18 & #mhaw2018 hashtags on social media - alongside others for the topics, as well as mental health related twitter chats. This week is also the emphasis of the general month of May that is dedicated to raising awareness about mental health matters and struggles with mental illnesses. 

The fact that I suffered from multiple traumas, from birth to my late teens, with a growing emphasis between ages 4 & 19, my adult self is left with invisible and yet very painful scars in my mind. These wounds are those of multiple CPTSD's, with symptoms ranging from intrusive thoughts and flashbacks in my waking hours, graphic nightmares at my supposed sleeping ones, and many other symptoms.

CPTSD symptomatology is wide and can be felt at varying degrees of intensity. I find that without coping tools, violent flashbacks and intrusive thoughts with ruminations over my past are some of the most difficult to deal with during the day time. Seeing - in my mind's eye- my father beating me up with his bare hands or his belt is felt as a present experience, though it is definitely in the past. 
Rumination and anger at my delayed life are common, just as much as low self-esteem, borne from constant belittling and depersonalization. 

My sleep is highly perturbed by intrusive nightmares turn violent realities of the past into fictions of horror, depicting pursuits and escaping from my father in dark, secluded and dense woods. They had also turned into massively gory and bloody fights, including with swords. 

Living in unsafe environment left me with nagging feelings of unreachable safety. 

CPTSD gave birth to a host of struggles with comorbid mental illnesses, including phobias and anxieties. 

CPTSD's are ugly in many ways and forms. They extend into so many self-doubt and self-sabotaging behaviors, actions, and accepting the inacceptable from people, accepting even toxicity from them, in the desperate wish to maintain friendships. I may not accept it as readily anymore and demand more equality, but sometimes this demand is meant by resistance from abusers of my kindness and time, and thus, ends the relationship when there is no way to get the person to accept my boundaries.

CPTSD are also ugly in the pervasively affected mood swings, chronic depression and any intrusive thought that, once settles and calls my brain its second home, doesn't want to leave.

CPTSD affect my daily routine, through flashbacks and thoughts, but also comorbid mental illnesses, such as GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) ; startle reactions and hearing non-existant noises such as phone ringing are common ; I suffer from many phobias, some of which ruining my quality of life by ruling my body and its reactions to stimuli and triggers that people who don't suffer from them can never fully understand and would regard me as an odd person. 

CPTSD is causing ugly, reoccurring depressive episodes, where I brood and sink into feelings and thoughts of despair, desperation, hopelessness, solitude and isolation.  

CPTSD affects my nights, through ruminations, flashbacks, and mostly nightmares. I wake up a lot, and as you'll see in my next entries, sleep disturbances cause other issues, and thus proper sleeping habits and better sleep are goals I wish to achieve, and to reap all subsequent benefits from sufficient sleep.