352- CBT4Emeto- 2

It has been months since I had shifted my CBT from social phobia to emeto. Indeed, in the interim, if you recall, I had been diagnosed and then underwent a small surgery for DFSP, which is a kind of rare skin cancer. I had also caught a cold for 3 weeks, and my post-op recovery was a slow one, during which I wasn't able to properly walk, and couldn't risk infection by going to my CBT, since it is held in a local hospital .

It took me a long time to be ready and have a green light from my surgeon that I could resume my normal life ; I made the call and set the appointment. I therefore had my second session, today.

From now, trigger warnings apply to all emetophobia sufferers. 




In the the first session, which I hadn't fully explained in my post, I was to concentrate on 1 task and only 1 task, with the relative anxiety level of 90/100, which is my lowest regarding this complex phobia (I remind that it entails a mix of emeto, carno, copro & hemo phobias). 
The task I was to concentrate upon was that of washing dishes without any of my usual distractions, which are, to be frank, maladaptive coping tools. 

These are : partially or fully opening the kitchen window ; listen to music ; avoiding looking directly at the dishes.
I was to do at least a few times without these maladapted coping tools, which I managed, but very painfully. 

For today's session, I explained my recent medical and depressive struggles which were closely related to my post-op recovery ; I explained that my exposures weren't in my priorities, and that even this morning, I had experienced more nausea, and even pertaining to my second task of the next 3 & half weeks : I have to bravely take hair our of the tub or sink grates, but to help me, my therapist suggested that I do so indeed far away from any meal time, and to buy big enough gloves for my hands, as I wouldn't have direct contact like I might have with paper towel or tissues. 

I had been dreading resuming this CBT, as I've suffered from this very complicated & complex mix of emeto ; I do think that these phobias became so strong within me, because I had done absolutely nothing to heal from it, as I didn't learn the term for it until just 2 years ago, and that before, I thought I was just abnormal and alone to have these weird reactions. Now, I know better, but after daily, implacable struggles against these foes for 35 or so years, where I barely ever have any kind of break or vacation (contrary to my other mental illnesses), my emeto-complex has become second nature and fully part of me. I cannot yet separate me from this set of struggles, and find them to be harder to all my other ones, combined - even my multiple CPTSD's. 

As I have more pressing matters to attend to this month, my next session is 4th of June, after which, my therapist promised to receive me for a session every 2-3 weeks, to help me reduce my overall emeto into more manageable levels, as I expressed how painful it is for me to even say anything. 

Oddly enough, today, I managed to speak more about it, even though I had eaten lunch quite late and not long enough before this session, and I'd feared the worst. She is really good at putting me at ease and helping me put words, even the toughest ones. It really is positive that she had treated and helped me through social phobia prior to this, as the rapport is already established and that I was able, despite difficulties, to express my struggles. 

I really hope to learn more coping tools, for all these 4 phobias, and to be less affected by things. To each day, it's own struggles, and it's own path. Recovery from this set of phobias shall be one of the toughest, I am sure, but once I get there, I'll be able to actually breathe better and not have to avoid almost everything that people who don't suffer from them find the easier to do in their daily lives.