351- Daily Impacts- Mental illnesses

This 9th chapter is the final in my daily impacts series, but it cannot be an end, as my story, and experiences are ongoing, and that my recovery is more or less also on path. 

This 9th chapter serves as a summary to this series, binding and exploring how the sum of my mental illnesses interact to impact me on a daily level - in a 24-hour format, not just daytime. 

Although I believe the general statement that we aren't defined by our mental or physical  illnesses, I must add an asterisk to it.
Indeed, on the one hand, I agree that I am defined by many other personality and character traits.  I can discuss any of my interests and hobbies at length, making any description of me far wider than any struggles with mental illnesses. But, on the other hand, that asterisk is rather large, too. This is because I experience daily impacts by each of my mental illnesses as discussed in the previous chapters, and also as a collection, which combines to dictate many choices of actions, interests, things that I can or cannot do, follow, attend, and so on.

Here's a quick summary to the previous chapters, with their relevant topics and blog entries:

Chapter 1 (280) = Copro, Carno, Hemo, and Emeto (phobias). 
Chapter 2 (293) = Anxiety
Chapter 3 (294) = Social phobia 
Chapter 4 (303) = (c)PTSD
Chapter 5 (308) = Mood swings 
Chapter 6 (309) = Depression 
Chapter 7 (320) = Phobias (other than social) 
Chapter 8 (337) = Avoidance 

Struggling with mental illnesses affects many actions and inactions. 
You saw, for instance, how much my complex emetophobia, interacting with 3 other phobias, overtakes every single day of my life. It goes as far as regimenting an absolute order of actions to be done at specific intervals, or specific moments of the day, long after meals. Any deviation results in triggers and additional struggles. Avoidance of many other activities which may appear easy to you are beyond my capacity to even think of, yet along do. 

A night, disturbed by CPTSD nightmares, or anxiety, creates a series of side effects: my rest is interrupted, often segmenting my night into several or even many portions, and by morning, I am tired. I invariably struggle with emeto on mornings, but this is multiplied in such cases of bad / not enough continuous sleep. Bad sleep has many other side effects, such as irritability, fatigue, falling asleep during the day, and more.

Phobias - emeto, hemo and carno, have each affected my meal times ; my choices in movies and tv-shows to watch (sometimes by hiding behind my knee until my wife tells me a graphic scene is finished), or, most commonly, avoid altogether when said pixels have too much bloody or gore content that watching would be impractical and unpleasant to hide for their entire duration.  

Anxiety  - both Generalized, and those created by social phobia - affected all my social interactions, errands, shopping, travel, and attending any other social gatherings such as parties, cinema, concerts - usually by the common reaction to all: avoidance. My wife helped propel me into some limited social interactions, and even going to the cinema, but it is CBT that improved greatly my capacity and frequency in attending most of these social gatherings - except for limited, rare trips (partially due to lack of funds, as well), and still haven't been to any concert. 

Depression and cptsd combine into a mood-killer for me. I can be irritable and angry, or apathetic, and everything in between - if not altogether emotionally numb and unable to even grasp my feelings of a moment. Depression in particular combines with an already preexisting low self esteem issue, that it becomes a huge struggle of finding my self-worth and I constantly question myself. 

Due to any of my mental illnesses and lack of self-esteem, I had accepted one-sided, abusive, toxic pseudo-friendships with people, several times ; this was the direct result of specific traumas, and mirrored in accepting the inacceptable from people, partially because I had no frame of reference and partially because I was repeating patterns that had been forced upon me as a child. It took many years to learn any measure of self-worth and requesting minimal respect and equality in friendships, through many hardships. 

Friendships have been affected by my traumatic experiences as well as my mental illnesses. Not many understood my introvert nature, and even less my anxiety and avoidance of social situations, but this isn't only due to people's lack of understanding of it, but my own misunderstanding of what I was going through - again, out of lack of any frame of reference. Even once I learned and knew better how to explain my situation, most people didn't want to bother, and this goes even with some of the online friendships I made in the mental health community.

Mental illnesses affect me every moment. If it's not one of them, it's another. That "Emeto complex" affects me the most, basically 24/7 for the past 3+ decades, at varying degrees of intensity, which seldom give me a minute's break. Cptsd's are second in intensity, compared to that "emeto complex" but have far more symptoms and overlay with other issues. 
Anxiety comes third, and in it I'll bundle GAD, social phobia & all other anxiety types that I suffer from, say travel. 
Phobias, depression and mood swings come next, about all equal at fourth position, since those do give me moderate vacation on regular intervals - even if they tend to be chronic and recurring. 

Avoidance is the common bi-product to all these mental illnesses, and though is a maladaptative coping technique, it is the first one that comes naturally in facing too much stress from too many stressors and develops into a blanket reaction to everything. This isn't easy to replace, and requires a lot of work, especially after using in a lifetime, so if you are like me and have been avoiding things, know this is normal and natural, and that you'll need to find better, adaptive coping tools, and gradually shift between one mode and the next. Give yourself that time to learn and adjust. 

Suffering from mental illnesses is exhausting, as I (and any other sufferer will confirm this) battle our mind, our brain's ways and messages, but also all the physical symptoms that follow. Having mental illnesses is like walking with shackles around my body and around my brain. It is disabling, slows down one's growth and hampers projects. 

Despite all life areas that are affected by my various mental illnesses and struggles, I am more than the sum of my diagnoses. 
I am in perpetual unlearning of patters of behavior and modes of thoughts associated with feelings and emotions that were either forced upon me as a child, or that I had learned as maladaptive coping tools. 
I am in perpetual learning of newer, better, more positive and adaptive tools - and in between these stages of existence, I cut myself as much slack as I manage, and allow this adjustment to occur. 

Before any statistic, before any diagnosis, I may have no pre-trauma level to regain, but I am still me, beyond the sum of my struggles. 

I am becoming. I am getting up, slowly but surely, as that whole damn fire. I shall burn away anything that needs to turn to dust within my psych, as not all vestiges are worth keeping. 

As I am becoming the newer me all the time, this 9th chapter ends only this blog series daily impacts. My story, experiences, recovery, healing, and eventually thriving, continue. 

So do you on your own path.