350- Trauma at young age and why so complicated to heal

I recently discussed PTSD, and coping - both maladative and adaptive types. These two entries followed ater I finished Ochberg's PTSD therapy book, where, in pages 246-251, his collaborator John P. Wilson explains the relation of PTSD to personality disorders, and personality propensities. 

As I mentioned in those aforementioned entries, in different segments, authors explains that events and personality prior to trauma are complex matters, and that one of the duties of a therapist is aiding a patient in recovery to rediscover those functional levels which the person had prior to the traumatic event. 

To this end, a therapist needs (p. 247 of the book) 

1. knowledge of pre-trauma personality structure
2. nature & role of the person in the trauma...

I alluded in the maladaptive coping entry that I couldn't disentangle points 1 & 2, since I experienced multiple traumas right from within my mother's womb, and everything between my birth and late teens continued the series of traumas. 

Today, I want to discuss why I find my healing process an extremely difficult one, based on the following factors:

• multiple traumas from age 0 to end of teens 
• no support and no knowledge during this long period 
• my personality didn't have a pre-trauma level, and developed throughout my traumatic life conditions

As an adult:

• returned to my home-country after the initial uprooting and all those years of abuse and traumas 
• having to un-learn and rebuild myself from scratch upon my return. Still a WIP to this day
• first psychotherapy (=talk therapy) "old school" therapist (in short: no diagnosis, nor tools given), for 12 years
• having therefore to learn about mental illnesses on my own, finding throughout the year, limited support, through friendships ; and understanding, through knowledge gained 
• second talk therapy "new school", younger therapist, interactive, giving me advice and discussing diagnosis
• since the first therapy hadn't given me tools, I feel that I lost a lot of time wandering in the darkness of ignorance and at times, even self-deception as to my well-being and healing - I simply had no clue, nor frame of reference 

All these put together, I used to call upon maladaptive coping tools more frequently than adaptive ones, but learned the difference about them only recently. 

Now, for healing to occur, I find myself often at a loss, where I cannot necessarily pin-point what I feel or even think. My brain is in a fog, and I cannot always see nor ascertain these.

Multiple traumas experienced from he youngest age of literal 0, lack of knowledge for so many years, and lack of frames of references all combine into one murky, foggy, rocky, uncertain path of recovery, where shapes and sounds, images and smells are kinda muddy and unclear. It makes my healing one really complicated process, where what I learn one day may take years to implement, and since one of my mental illnesses and struggles is chronic depression, sometimes this entire road seems to be underground, hidden and with no clue as to where the damn light may - if ever - appear in the horizon, or maybe in some crack between rocks, high up above my head. Who knows ? not me! 

This very same depression sometimes makes me want to give up on the process, but somehow, I usually get back on track - that somehow is usually rather a person, my wife and my friends, who support and give me reasons to continue fighting, and re-defining myself, my path, even if it remains so mysteriously shrouded from me. 

I know that my mental illness doesn't fully define me, but since I don't have a pre-trauma self to recover, my task would have been to become that person which I could have become without these experiences, but this isn't possible, in my opinion, simply because part of what makes a person is the that sum of experiences. So, I have to become, I guess, the best version that I can, despite my traumas, but also using them as a drive to help others, as I already do, by supporting those I can, and to make a difference around me. 

In meantime, I'll continue to find out who it is that I can become, and do my best to recover, unlearn negative patterns resulting from traumas, and in my healing processes, learn new coping tools, and new forms of self. This is already big in itself, but I know the road shan't ever be a simple straight line for me, but one that is sinuous, climbing up and down the cliffs and turning at unexpected angles throughout my healing. 

In the meantime, I'll remind my favorite self-motivation quote that I'd found online a few months ago  "if you've ever fallen down and lost your spark, get back up as the whole damn fire"