348- 2018 health updates to 16/4

The past few weeks have been tough on my mental health. I lost friendships, others also seem on the way out, and my overall physical shape as been a-wall, and despite this, there are some positive news too, so here goes for this edition of 2018 health updates. 


As I said in the introduction, I lost at least two online friendships, and chose to end others myself. Several more seem on the precipice of falling into the oblivion. As friendships are so important to me, and I give 1000% of myself and invest so much time and energy, I experience losses as blows to my person. This can be explained by my PTSD of abandonment, and so if I didn't make a preemptive decision and someone quits on me, I experience it as such. 

This month also saw a day that went ok but was also a PTSD anniversary, and since I was far too busy, I didn't manage to use meaning coping as of yet, to change the meaning of that day, like I had tried for the first time last year.  

My bloodwork of April 11th shows that my B12 is finally within normal range at 247 units (pg/mL) when normal is between 180-914, and prior results had shown deficiencies and even some pernicious anemia, which seems gone for the moment. I've to continue supplement every other day for 3 more months until my next blood work to make sure this rate still holds. 

April 15 & 16 were tough on me. On 15th, my depression spiraled, as the reality of the lost friendship sank-in, combined with that PTSD anniversary which I hadn't consciously worked upon to change its meaning.  I forgot to drink any water, and so the first incident I ran into and which was a tiny thing really, blew out of proportions in my mind, and further worsened my mental health : my depression sank further, I experienced full blown desperation and despair, and I had a mix of depression, GAD anxiety attack and emotional meltdown, which resulted in emeto triggers, difficulty breathing and thus, I went to bed on a rather negative note, despite my wife's support during my crisis. 

That night was horrible, as I lay cold, nauseous  and ruminating about the next day's attempt to fix my small error. I slept on and off from 11PM to over 10AM next day, with IBS part of the evening, all morning & early afternoon of the the 16th. 

I barely managed eating any lunch, due to lack of appetite, feeling physically weak, exhausted and still anxious about the rest of the day, so I took half a pill of my anti anxiety (Atarax, it's non-addictive and can be taken when needed).

Indeed, I had for this day an appointment with my DFSP surgeon, and at least the need to fix my mistake of the previous day, which was the main source of anxiety as to the way I could impart clearly my questions to the concerned person. 
I did manage more than I had anticipated, however, and despite my low physical energy of the day:

• After weeks and months of procrastination and external blockages, I finally dropped off my file to renew my partial disability status (I wish I could expand it, and have to look into the matter soon) ; 
• I had my surgeon meeting. He told me the scar was healing really well and since he didn't cut deep enough to cause any of the circulation issues and both my legs falling asleep in the past few weeks, he said that because I was so anxious about the operation that I display psychosomatic symptoms and should ask my therapist for guidance and possibly medication. (I've an appointment with him on the 23rd of this month). He also said that because the scar healed so well, I can go about my life as normal and am now allowed to make those physical efforts which i was banned from, for many weeks. 
• This, however, shall require progressively coming back to it, as I'm out of shape.
• I went and asked my questions to try solving and understanding the technical issues I had both with my new android phone (which resulted in a surcharge for apps I downloaded, not noticing that I was eating up all my Data of the month, and then some) and with the TV-box (linked to our internet deal, and both in the same company). This done, I went to two stores and then home. 

I managed eating a better dinner than lunch, though not a full capacity, as I feared eating too much too fast after my IBS, so I took it easy. On the other hand, I managed drinking a full litter + 2 cups of water.

Throughout this period, I've been going through the motions with a slow post-op recovery ; my mental and physical ailments have caused some fatigue and concentration issues, but despite of them, I've managed to read quite a bit, and to be a full 2 books ahead of time in my reading challenge - and then some, since I've currently 3 other books (7 & 66%, and 53% with a the second portion of it to be read later on - you'll see all about it in my reviews blog).