338- Victimization, trauma and therapeutic choices

*very slight trigger warnings apply here, but more so in the links* 

Upon reading Yael Danieli's chapter (13th in PTSD therapy), I finally understand how to word my therapeutic choices and refusals, based on the issues of trust, victimization and betrayals that I experienced.

Without going into all the details that I already mention elsewhere on this blog (especially entries with CPTSD, Cult, DV), I'll only summarize background settings to my choices, and then refused tools.

Background

Multiple traumas ; being kidnapped by my father ; him raising me in his cult ; subjecting me to abuse, depersonalization ; witnessing his violence towards my mother prior the their divorce ; implicitly lying about this, and his subsequent mariage, presenting my step-mother as if she were my real one. 

Leading a religious cult resulted from untreated mental illnesses ; I name his schizophrenia, megalomania and narcissistic personality ;he proclaimed that he was every single religious prophet known to humanity, including jesus (no, I won't capitalize). He thought he was god. As a prophet who first started preaching and forcing his views on others back in the hippie days where hallucinatory drugs were often used, he used them to bring himself, and his disciples, closer to god (which is... himself, in the other plane of existence). He forced these drugs on me (the worst was LSD). 

From this background information, I want you to retain the keywords :  
Victimization ; Betrayal ; loss of identity and self. Forced drug intake. Trauma. 

My therapeutic choices and outlets in the past couple decades have been : 

• Psychotherapy (for my trauma, 1995-2007/2008 till retirement of therapist ; current since around 2012). 
• CBT (for social anxiety, 2016-2017 ; for emetophobia, one session thus far, in late Nov'17)
• Educating myself about trauma and my subsequent mental illnesses (via books, online articles & videos) 
• Disconnecting from these subjects by exploring other intellectual, creative or physical pursuits (such as reading fiction and non-fiction that isn't psychology or mental health ; dabbling in the arts ; playing games ; hiking and practicing digital photography)
• Self-care (some of the above, and others)

Refused tools: 

• Hypnosis - I'm not convinced that it works, and if it does, it'd entail a sense of loss of self, which scares me, in view of the kinds I experiences. 
• Medication. 

I decided to face my mental illnesses bare-handed, as I've always been afraid to develop addiction (entry in preparation), having to depend on meds for the rest of my life (renewing my sense of loss of control), as well as side effects. 

Meds, drugs, are also part of my trauma, as explained above, and in more details in post 130. 
So, I want to avoid, as much as I can, taking them. 

I seldom use medications for anything, physical health included ; the usual side effect is to give me indigestion ; meds don't always work on me, aside for pain killers and other rares ones that I tried for physical ailments. Lastly, I prefer not to use them often, if I can avoid it, due to ethical reasons (I'm a vegan). I do take them if I must, and have no other alternatives, accepting that we live in an imperfect world. 

Thus far, I only used a mild anti-anxiety medication, in January & early February (2018), due to my DFSP surgery and post-op treatments. 

I must stress that these are my personal choices, and that if you are a patient who need meds either for physical or mental health, and that they work for you, don't stop. 
This blog's aim is never to supplant medical advice and therapeutic tools for you, but describe my own needs and choices.

Refused tools (continued):

• Pseudo-scientific cures, therapies, following some health and self-improvement gurus who promote them. Fake-positivism (am skeptic) + 
• Religion and praying. (am an atheist and skeptic) 

All these (previous 3 lines) are at best placebos, at worse very harmful. Many pseudo-scientific systems hide cultish groups, or even cults. 

Conclusions:

My choices for therapy, in a built trusting relationship of patient and therapist have been primordial. My own research helps fill-in my knowledge and understanding ; and the huge gaps between two sessions, as I see my psychotherapist once every 3-4 months, during which I work on my own and let ideas exchanges in session mature from seed to results - which is truer of my second, current psychotherapy, and not the first one. 

My personal tools have always been my own ; I started them as a single person, and continue them into my married life. Sometimes, I can share some of these activities and interests, but they always remain personal choices.

The same goes for refused tools ; they are personal choices, either to reject belief systems which I don't follow (religions and prayers) ; or health systems that I don't think, or that I know cannot work more than placebos (pseudo-scientific systems such as Bach's flowers and Homeopathy). 

Other refused tools aren't only personal choices, but also stem from fears regarding to loses : loses due to side effects, or to addiction and dependency, which renew my fears of loss of control and choices in life - which all result from the multiples processes of victimization and depersonalization that I experienced continuously from my youngest age to my late teens.