317- End of 2017's exposures

My cbt for social phobia ended at the end of November, but it doesn't mean the end to my exposures! 

In December, I applied everything that I'd learned in therapy, and continued to go the stores at any given moment I was ready, instead of organizing my entire days as I used to (when I still used to avoid rush hours). 


I continued to ask for help and information whenever I needed. 

This month, I went to the cinema twice, for 2 scifi movies. The classic 2001 a space Odyssey, and Star Wars the last Jedi. In both cases, I could notice the crowds filling the rooms, but I didn't experience that anxiety that used to cripple me in my early cinema trips. 

on 30th, we co-hosted our first new year's eve party - my very first in my entire life and our first as a couple here in France - and when I mean a party, I mean that we didn't have a family gathering (maternal side).

Indeed, in my youth, I never had a NYE's party, as my crazy father and cult leader deemed all parties to be of the (unnamed) devil and un-spiritual, or rather very materialistic and dangerous for the soul.  

During the past couple decades, ever since I came to my home-country, the only "big" social gatherings for me were with my family (as I said, maternal side). These gatherings, either for birthdays or cultural celebrations, were always full of stress due to my family members raising hot topics not to be discussed in such occasions ; namely, politics, religion, illness & death. 

The highest possible anxiety levels that I could experience while suffering from social phobia would be parties. Yet, back in April and again October of this year, I was able to attend 2 parties, with growing levels of difficulties - alongside additional people. 

Thus, on 30th of December, I was able to co-host a NYE party with 5 guests, 4 from the local veg group and the girlfriend of one of them. I knew her very little, and knew one other guest a bit more than her, but less than the rest of the group. 

In this case, I felt some moderate anxiety in the period leading up to it, and also some during this party - mainly because I was so tired after several busy days and that I'd lost track of several conversations. Not knowing the topic is till a problem for me, and I still haven't learnt easy ways to jump-in. I managed to do so a few times, when I understood and could follow some of the topics, and initiated a few times ; Most often, though, I just followed, or remained quiet in my corner, even though this was in my home, my comfort zone. 

I'll continue to apply and practice my CBT lessons, until I can perfect these few issues.

On 31st, we attended another NYE party ; this time, created by the aforementioned girlfriend, and hosted by her and her boyfriend. Apart for them, there were 4 other guests, 3 of whom I knew, and a roommate of them. 

We each brought something to this vegan potluck, but it was mostly co-created by the hosts and 2 of our friends there. We ended having a 5-course meal with loads of deliciousness, laughs, and some talks ; though I was too tired to participate as much as I'd have preferred, including for the guessing game. I simply had overdone it past few days, and I had no brain power left.

I participated timidly to conversations, a bit more than our own party the previous night ; as the hours drew on, I felt more at ease, talking, laughing, playing with their dog (especially when some topics were triggering to me - I coped by diverting my attention to play with him). 

The best news in this party, is that despite my small anxiety levels, I didn't even have my usual nervous urination ; contrary to all other parties, where I'd go 6 times, I went only once, and not out of anxiety! 

One of these friend and her roommate drove us back home, as it was too late for trams and walking around 1 AM. This was also new, asking someone I didn't know to drive me home.

I can tell that my middle-aged status and fights with mental illness are exhausting, and that it was a bit of an effort to do this exposure in a new place I'd never been to before. But, overall, I enjoyed this experience and glad that I actually went to this very first new year's eve party outside of my comfort zone and small family gatherings that I was used to.

Thus ended 2017, and the first hour of 2018, in company, outside of my zone, to which I came back at 1+AM, to sleep-in for this First of January.

I most definitely wouldn't have been able to do this prior to my CBT!

I wish you all a happy new year, thank you for reading my numerous entries throughout my blogging life. 
I thank my friends for support and confidence in my abilities to learn and cope with social phobia - and off course my therapist for having helped to get there. 

I thank those who supported and also those who were patient and waited for me to be ready, and invited me despite my previous refusals.

Most of all, I thank my wife for support and patience, advice and care. 

In this first entry of 2018, and last exposure of 2017, I want to say to all who doubt they can ever socialize as you suffer from social anxiety/phobia, or anything else that prevents you at the moment : trust that you can learn to cope, and improve. You can get there, partially by your own power, but if you need, there is no shame in reaching out to get support from family, friends, and therapists, to guide and teach you tools. Even if you suffered all your life thus far, you can make it through. 

Not so long ago, I couldn't, and here I am! I hosted and attended my first New Year's Eve parties, 2 consecutive nights! 

I not only survived, but also enjoyed! And so can you!