265- July 22 to August 17 exposures & CBT2017-22

This past month since my 21st CBT session, I had to continue regular and more frequent exposures in social situations, as I have arrived to the consolidation phase of my therapy for social phobia, and thus have to work extra in order to confirm my capacity to continue these exposures on my own once we are done with this particular CBT for social phobia. 

Indeed, as I have mentioned before, my CBT shall change topic, probably my emeto+ coprophobia for which I have to print the relevant french blog entries to show her - as at first, I won't be able to actually talk about my struggles. 


This past month's exposures have been numerous, but with uneven difficulty levels. My city and hence all grocery shops I had to go have been emptier than usual, because it's summer and many people are on vacation. Only a few of my trips in rush hour yielded actual challenges in this entire period, so I see no point in detailing all of them on a daily basis here - though most are recorded in my therapy notebook. 

• The first and last weeks of this period have been busier for me, with more challenges that I shall, on the other hand, detail after you read my exposures from July 18 (CBT day) to 21st.

• That week went on with July 24th trip to the supermarket and 26th to the street market, but the busiest and most challenging was the 25th, as I spent almost the entire day outside ! I went to the bank, postal office and library in the morning, and after lunch at home, I made sure to go to the mall on rush hour and took a total of 4 buses that day. This level of activity has been increasingly more frequent over 14 months of CBT, but still drains me a lot - especially a single trip to the mall, not only due to the social aspect but also bright lights (as I have light sensitivity) and, most importantly, the multiple emeto & carnophobia-triggers in-store. 

During the 2 intermediary weeks, my exposures were less strenuous, as I limited to 1, 2 or maximum 3, more or less every day (with the exception of weekends). My frequency was about 4-5 days a week - thought I need to improve that as well as journaling these exposures as they occur, instead of doing it for a week and then 3 weeks later having to research and fill-in all the info backwards. 

• Then, this past (and last week of the period), I increased frequency and levels of difficulty. August 9th opens this on a Friday mall shopping. Fridays tend to be rather fuller there, and indeed it was a challenge with a higher anxiety level, but no avoidance anymore. My coping mechanisms kicked-in very quickly and I noticed how well I managed it.
• Next day, I went with a friend on a hike, about which I already blogged in my 52weekgratitude challenge, but hadn't mentioned the social aspect of having talked with my friend throughout the hike, and at times, also with other people there - experiencing only moderate anxiety about that, and very manageable. 
• After Sunday off, Monday 14 and Tuesday 15th were much more challenging. Indeed, Monday, I went to the supermarket and on both days, helped Sophie (a friend I already discussed in posts 245  ; 250 & 252)  prepare her move. She was there, and one mutual friend, as well as 10 or so family members and friends of Sophie's, whom I had never met before. After Monday's work, both at a storage unit and at her mother's, we were invited to share a drink, and as soon as I noticed it was actual a meal with non-veggie dishes put on the table, I quickly retreated to the terrasse and sat there to avoid my carnophobia & emeto triggers.
  
  In the past, I would've had to run away, asking someone to drive me... actually, I wouldn't even have offered my help, but if I had, wouldn't have stayed for any meal. Now, despite the initial shock, I retreated due to my particular hyper-sensitivity, motioning to Sophie that I was doing so, and explained the fuller nature of it, before she went to spend time with her family and other friends, and our mutual friend joined and kept me company - until one of those other unknown people came and joined us as well. Here, again, despite some anxiety with an unknown man, I did participate, slowly, to the conversation we had, and managed my anxiety quite well. 
• Tuesday, at Sophie's apartment, there were a few new faces, and some of Monday's team came back. Here, I managed my anxiety much better, and actually got to discuss with more of them, especially as we needed to coordinate our decent from the 3rd floor, a few times with heavy loads, but also, on more casual discussions that formed in our breaks. As lunch loomed at the end of that morning, I excused myself to avoid being around a similar meal, as there was no real possibility of avoiding seeing it in the parking lot we were going to eat at. 

Helping Sophie was a huge challenge ; there were about 10-12 people, from which I had known only 2 on Monday, and about 5 more the next day. It was an amazing exposure for me, however, as I noticed I managed it all really well and didn't even feel anxiety or shame when I asked to take a break on each landing. Indeed, the past me would've felt very shameful that I wasn't that muscle-man, capable of carrying heavy loads and not take any break down 6 flights of stairs. Current me, however, didn't feel weird, odd or anxious. Current me just said I need to put this down for a minute. Current me didn't care if anyone thought I was weaker. (Let's face it, physically, I am weaker, and I have scoliosis. I have to be careful how much I carry). I just didn't feel society's pressure to be superhumanly muscle-filled. 

• Wednesday 16th was another busy day. Our mutual friend drove me to do grocery and tshirt shopping in 2 stores, but also accompanied him to 2 other stores to help him search and find a furniture for his upcoming hifi system, and I asked for information at the high-tech store, to clarify a coule doubts I had. I rarely ever ask for help from vendors, as I tend to research everything on my own, and here again, the fruits of CBT have been shown. 
• On Thursday 17th, I had my 22nd CBT session. That morning, I emailed the local cinema for a couple questions, and then headed to CBT. As it is summer, again, my exposure there was limited as I had only 2 people ahead in admissions, and far fewer feet trodden the stairs as I waited for my therapist. 
• Today 18th, I decided not to accompany my wife to one of our friend's for a meal and social games, because I feel ran-down by the huge level of socialization I have been doing, especially those of this past week, and I'm also quite tired, physically. Today's a resting and relaxation day, to avoid burning-out. 

My next CBT session should be the last confirmation session for social phobia, and following one should normally start another phobia as I announced at the start of this post (and a few previous entries as well). 

My automation is growing, alongside coping skills as I use my mechanisms much more often and efficiently. Anxiety is some situations have gone significantly down, but off course isn't all gone. I never anticipated 14 months therapy would cure a life-long condition, especially since I also suffer from GAD (though it is self-diagnosed). 

I have a full month (until September 19th) to continue working my exposures, in view of improving my coping skills and further reducing my social anxieties and their impact in my life.