260 - June 15 to July 21 exposures and CBT2017-21

At my 20th CBT session last month, my therapist had congratulated my multiple exposures of the previous few weeks since 19th CBT, and told me that I was now in consolidation phase of my therapy. This means that I am nearing the end of it - for social phobias, and that after that, we'll work on another as my therapist promised. 


During this phase, our session frequency goes down from twice a month to once, giving me extra time to use opportunities for exposures and multiply them as much as I can, all the whilst working on automating my coping skills and in hope that these exposures become a second nature. The goal is to allow me to do them without having to refer to a task I have to do, but rather use the coping skills I learned this past year and do just do, instead of having to think on what I should do in any given situation.

I have no particular task to do, just repeating over and over all the various kinds of exposures that I have had up to this point. 

Since my 20th session, I have had multiple exposures, forgetting to note a few, now and again, in my notebooks (the small travel one, and the big I use for therapy).  Nonetheless, I can report a lot of them, and may have to edit this entry to accommodate missing bits. 

I start on mid-June, after that session. The hotlinked blog entry above will give you the first half of June's exposures.

• June 15, my 20st CBT session had only that, which means : waiting in admissions, seing a person in a cubicle, then a secretary of sorts to announce my arrival, and finally in the hallway waiting for the therapist to come get me - and during this entire time, facing a huge amount of people (patients and medical personnel) walking and talking, which was, this day, stressful for me as usual.
• July 18, for my 21st session, in contrast, had less anxiety, but also a lot fewer people. My wait has been cut down by half, as most people in the city are on vacation. 

Between those, my exposures were many. During the entire 30 days, I felt like my exposures were still tasks to do, and not naturally flowing. Though there may be a few days to add to the 17 that I already listed in my notebook, I see there are basically 3 clusters of exposures, and some holes between each.

Thus, from June 17 to 23rd, I went out every day :

• 17th and 18th, I went to the two different supermarkets (1 each day). On the 18th, I also went to vote. 
• the 19th was a day of multiple exposures, as i went to 3 stores, asking for information and help in each of them. That day, I also had a psychotherapy session, and called a friend + a family member. 

On those days, I noted no particular anxiety - even when I asked for the vendors' help. There was just the issue of lacking time and not wanting to remain in line in one of the stores, so I went to another, and went back to find the line gone. 

• June 20th, I decided to try shopping in the mall during rush hour, but it turned out basically empty. My trip there was also an empty tram, but it was quite full on the way back. I also made 4 phone calls, and again, I had no anxiety in any of these exposures!
• on the 21st, I called my aunt and asked for a ride back to the mall, as well as the spare parts shop to pick up my replacement airbed. It's always difficult for me to ask for help, especially my aunt, due to our weird relationship. We went on those errands the next day. I only had the usual stress of being around her and some awkward discussion. In line, I had an emeto trigger and had to concentrate looking on something else, which was a bit easier for me to do than usually, but this is out of this current CBT's goals. 
• 23rd of June marks a trip to 2 other stores, having to take a tram, 2 buses and another tram to come back home. All these with making 3 phone calls for information in one of those stores, and also the bus company to discuss their summer-related tram interruptions. That particular discussion marks a progress for me, as I also complained about some of their decisions, and did it despite a certain anxiety, which I noticed as stammered at first on the phone, before excusing myself to the person and starting over. It was stressful, but, I managed it really well and felt quite proud to squeak the wheel and also to find a coping tool during the conversation as I asked for a second, breathed-in, and started over, despite the fear of appearing ridiculous. 
• On the 24th, I only had indoor exposures : online chats, something I do almost daily with friends in direct messages on twitter or facebook, sometimes in weekly public chats. 
• June 26 marks the end of the first cluster, with a triple errand and 3 buses. 

I resumed noting only on July 2nd, so am not sure if I had done anything or was just too tired or lacked opportunities in the empty notebook dayslots. 

• July 2nd, on I called a friend to invite him and his sister to visit us for his birthday, which they did on the 7th, and which went really well.
• on the 3rd, I went only to one store, taking 2 bus shuttles replacing the tram - here the anxiety wasn't the shopping around people in off-peak hours, but my fears of appearing weak and ridiculous as I lifted my shopping into the bus. 
• the 4th of July I read in the park for 1h15, where I had a lot of anxiety in a busy and noisy park. I gave up due to this anxiety, and also the necessity to head to my other errand before the supermarket would close. I took the bus in rush hour, and experienced a milder form of anxiety than that of the park - and I suspect this difficulty was due to the remnants of that first anxious feelings. 
• Most Wednesdays, I try to go to the street market, not far from home. I went there on the 5th, 12 & 19th of July, each time with lesser anxiety, even though I had to wait longer and longer for my turns to pay. 
• on the 5th, I also requested a company to call me, through their online form, as I couldn't find their number, and had a 12 minute-long conversation, asking all my questions, with no anxiety whatsoever, which is rare. 

The last exposure cluster before my 21st CBT were July 12 (market as mentioned above, with added 2 bus shuttles to the mall as my mom asked me to help her there, and where I experienced moderate anxiety), 14th the visit of a friend for a meal and talks. I had a GP appointment (I don't recall which day, must be 13th or so, and had to go to the lab for a bloodwork that he had prescribed. There, I asked the phlebotomist to let my wife come in with me, so I wouldn't faint at the sight of my own blood. I did so, despite the usual French replies I get to man-up and feared a male phlebotomist would be even nastier about it, but he was quite pleasant instead. My last exposure that day was calling my GP about the results, and seing him for a treatment. 

This period also marked several exposures in the pharmacy, before, and after my 21st CBT session. Here are the other exposures after this sesh :

• July 19th, I called the mail services to complain about a package they didn't deliver and to arrange the mailman's coming back with it. Just like my call to the bus company from June 23, I noted a distinct change in my calls for complaining : I am not as mousy, but more at ease and affirming this need for them to come back instead of my trying to take buses and walk endlessly to reach their offices. This kind of phone calls ins't my easier tasks, as I dislike complaining or asking for services and tend to try to do everything on my own, even at great costs in efforts. My CBT has helped me change partially and dare to ask help more often. This is still a work in progress. 
• on 20th, I called 3 medical offices,  a friend twice, to support her, and my mother once. Even though I spent a lot of time on the phone, I went to the mall during rush hour, taking 2 buses total, the return being fuller. My anxieties went considerably lower than the past few trips, and making the calls was anxiety-free. Therapy's paying off!

Today July 21st has been the busiest, and I had a huge amount of exposures : 

• I went to the housing company's offices to pick up a key as they replaced a lock on a door in our building ; it was stressful as I couldn't recall the word for that part and stammered. The guy's reactions didn't help, and it's only when I explained the key that he knew what I needed. Major anxiety, but I didn't let that incident put me down. 
• I took a bus and went immediately to a supermarket where I needed a product. Not finding it, I asked an employee ; she said if I don't see it, they don't have it, and she doesn't know when it'd be delivered. I gave up trying to ask if she could ascertain, as she looked really put off and would rather get back to her tasks. I eventually called another supermarket of this chain, and found they have it in stock, on the shelf. 
• After I got back home, I barely remained, as I had to go back to the GP to get a paper. I had my biggest exposure yet, as I stroke a conversation with an elderly woman. Indeed, she was in the dark, so I asked if it was ok for me to open the blinds (the doctor had gone to his lunch break and hadn't returned yet). She said it was fine, and we had a smalltalk about this heavy, humid and hot weather we are going through these days. As I pulled my book out, she mentioned that she had no more books to read right now, that she was done with all the ones she had at home. She further added that she had just read Simone Weil's book, finding it terrific and informative on the government's organization, and asked if I'd read it. This brought on a conversation of feminism, the feminist movement and I showed her my book : Virginia Woolf's complete shorter fiction collection. I answered her questions about Woolf's books, as she had heard of her but never read, and thought she wrote mystery novels. Here, I replied she must confuse with Agatha Christie, just as she realized it herself, and I explained the basic lines of what Virginia wrote about, and the particularity of my edition. 

This discussion was really natural and flowing, and I felt no anxiety, and it lasted a whole 15 minutes! We talked feminism, books and languages, and it was just so nice. 

The doctor came in and wanted to receive me first as I had only needed a paper and a minute's time, but I said that I could wait, because this woman had been there since noon (it was 1:30 PM at this point) and so, with my GP's compliments, and her thanks, she went in first. Upon he departure, she thanked me again, and I welcomed her and wished her a good reading of Woolf's books once she finds them in French in the library. 

Thus, I felt really proud of myself for striking a whole 15-minute conversation with a stranger in the doctor's office of all places, and felt that my CBT is really starting to pay off and to show tangible progress, as I never tend to strike such long conversations - had we had to wait longer, we would have actually continued as the doc had interrupted us, so it really shows this massive progress in just over a year. 

Recovery from life-long social phobia is possible. I don't expect miracles and to be able to access the toughest social situations as of yet, but many of the tough ones had become less anxiety-filled-cups, and I find myself able to reach a lot of exposures that I couldn't even imagine at the earlier stages of my CBT. 

The keys for this progress have been:

• a proper CBtherapist
• a lot of patience
• repeated, gradual exposures, 
• support 

And... never giving up, despite temptations to do so. 

So, if you also suffer from social or any other phobia or mental illness, use those same keys and never give up, there are so many possibilities and supportive people to find in your recovery, it's just amazing!