256- Therapies

* the trigger alert is always on, but rather mild as I discuss very few traumatic parts, and focus on therapies* 

The idea for this post came to me weeks ago, but I wasn't sure how to introduce it, so I'll just go ahead. I wanted to discuss the importance of finding not only the proper kind of therapy, but the proper therapist. 


If you recall, at the very start of this blog almost a year and a half ago, I had experienced a very difficult and unhelpful CBT. Indeed, my first CBTherapist was a condescending man, who never gave me any tip nor exposures so I could improve. 

He only made me read a couple books at the end of the first session to confirm that I had depression and social phobia. After that, every single session, he would ask me to do and alter lists upon lists of social situations in which I had difficulties, supposedly so he could give me those tools I needed to face each. He never gave me a clear set of directions of how he wanted those lists. He'd only say "I want...." and following time, he'd say "ah no, it's not how I wanted, but I want you to do this to it instead". 

This went on for over a year. My anxieties were worsening and I was facing complete shutdown, and withdrawal from any socializing, with an acute fear of total isolation.  

To avoid repetition, I'll now direct you to my chaotic path entry, which detailed this even further. 

Eventually, I found some tools, and most importantly, a second CBtherapist, in the most renowned psych services, in a local hospital. She has been following me since the end of May 2016, and with her, those lists I had previously made became the source of work together. She sent me to exposures - usually with incremental difficulty levels, but some circumstances (such as last summer's 2 trips to Paris) had given me exposures in much higher levels in challenging situations. Her help has been tremendous, and at the end of our 20th session I was told that I am now in the consolidation phase, and that in September we can start working on another phobia, just like she had promised we'd do after working on social phobia. 

I'm so glad that I hadn't remained with the first CBtherapist. He had made me feel so much worse than before I started therapy with him. I'm glad I had the presence of mind to research things by myself and to find my second CBT. If I hadn't, I am 100% sure that I wouldn't have been able to do even 5% of my many exposures thus far. I think I would've pushed friends farther away, and I'd feel so miserable! 

>>> further reading of my CBT2016 & 2017 or if you prefer, the entire series of entries about the topic of CBT ) 

I have also had 2 psychotherapists. I hadn't had to tell her off and to search for another, but it could've happened.

Upon my return to my home country, after 15 years abroad, where I lived under my father's religious cult rules and abuses, I was visibly not well. I was underweight, and the few first months I struggled on so many levels, that my mother thought best to bring me to this first psychotherapist, so I could talk about my traumatic life and learn how to cope - with the hope that I could heal and then participate in family gatherings with more ease and to eventually find a job. 

In theory, this sounds really well, right ? Guess again! I was followed by her for 12 years, until she retired. My sessions were about 3 months apart - when I didn't forget one and had to re-schedule, thus having periodically 6 months between sessions. 

This first psychotherapist was of the old school - you know, that one where the therapists listens to you talking and talking, taking notes and never really giving you a diagnosis, nor much coping tools to use and develop. I used to get there, sit and wait for my turn, come in, sit and discuss more details of my traumatic life. 

In rehashing my past, I would sometimes find tiny glimmers of self-understanding, that I'd share with my therapist and she'd fulfil the bare-minimum responses of nodding or uttering a few phrases, telling me that I had found something interesting, that I was right or wrong on my ideas, but that was all that I got. 

In rehashing my past, I also got locked into it ; I was locked in a cycle where I could barely acknowledge that I had been a victim, but I received no advice on how to go further from this realization. I wasn't progressing in recovery, and certainly didn't even start to thrive. 

Despite these, there came a moment where I started to feel slightly better, and in my haste and desperate hope to be fine, I thought that I was indeed fine. I missed my last therapy session, and then learned that my therapist retired. She was being replaced by a man. 

In deluding myself to believe that I was fine, I saw no point in asking for an appointment with him. I didn't want to "break-in" a new therapist, especially because he was a man - in a period that my difficulties expressing myself to other men had been so much worse than they are now. 

So, I let it slide, for about 5 years. And then, the reality of my post-traumatic ill-health hit me like a brick. I hadn't been well at all, during those years. I was merely functioning better because I had found some coping mechanisms that hid the truth from me and I crashed down, like a heavy stone falling into a lake. 

I therefore contacted and started therapy with my previous therapist's replacement. He is about my age, and younger than my first psychotherapist. He is of the new school, that one where therapists actually talk back with their patient, and his dynamic approach has been helping me so much, that in the past 5 & a half years of therapy, I made a lot more progress than the 12 years with the first! 

I really wish that my first psychotherapist had become more dynamic and offered me tips much earlier in my recovery process. I'm sure I'd be much farther on the path, and wouldn't have had to go through such a long delayed process. 

I know that I wasn't ready for this dynamic approach 22 years ago ; but, had she offered me more help, putting words of a diagnosis to explain to me what I was going through, and then to be dynamic, say 2-5 years into the therapy, I would have saved a lot of time and efforts.

In the end, a good deal of the progress I made have been a mix of my own research, as I've always been curious and on a quest to better understand myself, and the dynamic approach with concrete advice by my second psychotherapist - adding a tiny % to the first psychotherapist. 

It's also the second one who had suggested CBT, and thus I tie-in the stories of 4 therapists, in 2 fields but 3 kinds of therapies : 

CBT - the condescending, unhelpful type VS the dynamic and helpful one
Psychotherapy - the old and the new schools opposed in style and amounts of actual help I got. 

In my research, I've stumbled on many quacks and pseudo-therapies, that aren't based on real therapy and not even on psychology at times. I suggest to always be cautious of miracle solutions and unscientific approaches. Beware of those who'll abuse your wallet and never truly help you. 

Once you find the honest and real therapies, you may have to experience several, to find the kind and the person that best suits your own needs. Never give up too quickly, as it can take a few sessions to know for sure, but also never remain in a pool of unhelpful therapy either. 

Lastly, never give up on yourself and on your goal to recover, to heal and to thrive. You owe it only to yourself, though your efforts will off course affect those around you. In the end, no one is doing the job for you - you are getting help, hopefully support from your loved ones, and you will reap the fruits of your endeavours. 

Trust yourself, your capacity to learn and chose wisely your therapist, as well as your confidants. 

Recovery is possible. From each path you undertake, you can gain terrain in your recovery, healing and eventually, you'll thrive.