249 - My (c)ptsd bucket of traumas

***multiple trigger warnings***

Remember my post a bucket-load of anxieties ? Here is the equivalent for my cptsd, to offer you an overview of my life, trauma and subsequent cptsd. 

Some material here is new. I'll detail those more than the ones I have discussed elsewhere, and hotlink relevant posts.


This post aims to gather under one place a bit of a list of my multiple traumatic events that have the most cptsd effect in my life. 

• Starting at the earlier part of my life, the story of my premature birth that almost didn't happen. Indeed, my schizophrenic crazy father didn't want me to be born when I was ready to come, so he attempted to prevent it by repeating his physical abuse of my mother, long enough to delay me a few hours. I'm sure that this left a huge impression on me, once I was actually out.

• Though I don't recall it as of yet (repressed memories), I most probably witnessed more domestic violence that temporarily finished when I was 3. This was the period of their ugly divorce. My mother was granted my custody and my father, visitation and half school holidays.

• A year later, during one such school holiday, he took me but didn't return me in time. Instead, he kidnapped me, uprooted and moved to a whole different country. 

• There, I witnessed more abuse, of my step-mother (though I thought she was my real one for some time). This lasted quite a few years. 
• Once I knew that I had a real mother, but that she wasn't there, I didn't know what to think. For a while, I felt she had abandoned me and I certainly do exhibit almost all the symptoms in ptsd of abandonment. 

• I was also physically, verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused, as part of my strict upbringing in his religious cult. I wasn't allowed to my own opinions or even thoughts. 

I was subjected to conditioning,  and depersonalization 

• Looking back, I think some of the remarks and verbal abuse that I suffered from both him and my step-mother, in regards to some of my slow learning, lacks of physical coordination and other mean words might have been due to un-diagnosed Asperger's syndrome. (currently, my wife and I believe it's highly probable that I have/had it already, but shall have to be checked with the Autism Center's help). 

• I also believe that some of the bullying I suffered in school wasn't just about some of my differences, but also related to those differences I exhibited as a child and which might be Asperger's. 
• As a kid (but I'm not sure which age anymore), I saw the arrival of a dead animal's corpse to the market. I immediately developed carnophobia, which added to my emetophobia, hemophobia, and became the most severe condition I suffer from. It only confirmed my philosophical and ethical veganism, by making it a simple matter : I couldn't even be around omnivorous "meals" that gross me out. When I shop, I slalom in the aisles, and have to backtrack all my steps to avoid the sections which include them. 

• During my teens, my father had expressly forbidden talking with girls, under penalty of death. I suffered from the incapacity to love and be with girls, because I feared his threat. This resulted in many issues, which grew far worse when, one night visiting my grand-parents but with my father's presence in another room, he caught me masturbating, which should be natural but that he abhorred beyond almost anything else, because it was a sexual act that wouldn't result in a child's birth - very much like the Judeo-Christian dogma, but with his real issue was that this would mean he'd lose an opportunity to enslave another 'disciple'. 

The beating I received for that was second worst I had ever experienced, as his wrath was over-the-top. As direct consequences,  my emotional and psychological growths were severely stunted, and I was also delayed to accept my sexual nature, and I'm still working on it to this day.  Flashbacks of this beating haunted me for years, and although are far less frequent now, they still do occur. 

I had difficulties creating relationships that could potentially be physically intimate and I wouldn't date until quite late in my life. 

• Overall, I suffered about 15 years of my father's religious cult upbringing with all the depersonalization techniques. Towards the end, there was one massive incident, after I broke the rules and was reported for having gone to the supermarket despite having been expressly forbidden (as I was also breaking the rule about talking with women), and this situation escalated to the point I received the worse beating of my life. It was also the only time that I tried to protect myself by hitting back, and that day, my father and I almost killed one another. 

• Though I was too young to be a soldier, I suffer this particular form of cptsd, beyond "ptsd resulting from terrorist attacks" I don't know any other term to depict this form, so if you know it, please let me know in the comments.  

All the attacks suffered in Europe over the past few years have all triggered this cptsd ; I find myself obsessing about the insecurities that I already felt, adding to my social phobia, and there are days that I just want to quite my exposures, but I push through them. 

I always look all around me when outside, in public places, transportation - my hyper vigilance never really left me, and at times, this borders on paranoia. 

Occasionally, these triggers sets morose moods for a few hours, or I find myself in emotional numbing, and even dissociative episodes. Despite all these, I find that I manage to deal with it best with the help of music and talking with people (my wife or friends). 

I often have to avoid reading the news too much as constant news of such events can trigger me in the worst fashion. Over the years, though, I learned to cope a bit better and faster. 

• Sometimes when I was late on my errands, I had done so on purpose.

Part of my cult rules forbade me from reading unauthorized books (only religious stuff and the books that I had to read for school were allowed, though each was checked carefully). 
I wasn't allowed to listen to music, watch tv, play games... 

But, my curiosity pushed me to go to read books in bookstores or libraries, or to visit my friend's M's place to listen to music, or to go to the arcades on my way to my errands. 

I was beaten, locked in the toilet and food was withheld if I said or acted contrary to the rules or showed the slightest curiosity and seed of free-thinking. The same happened whenever I'd be too long to come back from my errands. It didn't matter if I had a valid excuse (such as terrorism and suspicious objects in public transports), or if I'd mumble my way to the toilet I was locked in for my misdeeds. 

As you can see, I have suffered multiple forms of trauma, repeatedly and which all started when I was quite young, lasting throughout my life. Despite M & R's help neither knew what I was experiencing so I never truly had support for my trauma during my teens. 

All these factors of repeated trauma ; trauma experienced young  ;trauma experienced with no support or viable exit are some that make the difference between ptsd and cptsd. I will cover this in a new upcoming definitions post. 

Even one form of trauma can be difficult to deal with, and I find that there are days my abundant and continuous sources of trauma have been beyond my capacity to even deal, yet along recover from. But, in recent years, things have finally started to change. My symptoms reduced in severity and frequency. 

I found a few tools for ptsd relief, too ! 

I am quite open and talk passionately about my life, and my traumas are all parts of my life, and shaped a lot of my personality traits, and philosophy of life. 

Through the sheer counter-example set by my father, I am a feminist and humanist ; 
I believe in non-violence, compassion, spreading kindness - but don't confuse this for "giving the other cheek", as I'm not into masochism nor into this precept. 

I believe in critical thinking, the importance of education and curiosity, and define myself as a vegan, atheist, compassionate and ethical person. 

From a mousy, wounded cult and abuse victim, I grew to redefine myself as a survivor. I have been on a recovery path for many years, meeting many bumps and mud on the way, but I keep my course steady : I will surpass all my hurdles, and I aim thriving, after my survival. 

I am so open, that I was recently asked to host a twitter chat for my very first time and for an hour and a half, a few friends gathered and use #mhchathour to learn and exchange about the topic of ptsd, in the broader sense, and was told that my hosting was very informative - and one person there actually told me she wants me to host again. 

This experience was quite amazing and find it is a milestone in my recovery, as it gave me the opportunity to impart some of my knowledge, resulting from all my research about the topic. 
My suffering brought on self-awareness, knowledge and sharing - positive aspects towards thriving. 


If you suspect that you suffer from ptsd or its more complex versions, I suggest you read about symptoms, and find a therapist to discuss any issues that you may suffer from. A diagnosis of (c)ptsd isn't negative, but positive, in the sense that putting a word to what you are feeling is a first step in your recovery process. 

Recovery is possible, even in the case of one or multiple (c)ptsd's. It takes time, patience, a lot of work and support ; it takes a lot of self-kindness and self-love, and in most cases just like my own, therapy. 

I'll part ways with this quote I found a few weeks ago, and which I absolutely love, to portray my own process.  (keep scrolling, though, there is a tad bit more for external links). 

Further reading :
This article by US department of VA affairs about ptsd resulting from terrorism, or much further with this keyword searched 

Psychology today, about domestic abuse lasting consequence & Also Brian F. Martin's excellent book InVincible that I reviewed 

I just found a website that I may suggest once I read enough of it myself, in regards to post-cult ptsd experiences. I want to make sure of its quality first.