245- May exposures

In my 19th CBT session, I agreed with my therapist's renewing and prolonging the exposure tasks that I had in the 18th, because I hadn't managed to do much of them. 

In the past 3 weeks, since that 19th session, I have had avoided just a few social situations, the biggest of them being the march against Monsanto. Thus far, ever since I learned about it, I had managed to go only once  - in 2015. This year, I would've had the support from only one friend (as compared to 2015's situation when I was accompanied by nearly 10 of our friends). 

This year, I also didn't feel physically up to it, so I left this march for another time. 


Apart for that, I had avoided only two reading visits in the park, but went there a few more times than usual, and this includes this past Friday (26 May) late afternoon : as agreed with a friend who lives nearby and who also enjoys reading in the park, I messaged her, saying that I was on my way. She saw and responded to it just after I had started reading, and when I went to say hello to her and her boyfriend whom I had never met before, she invited me to sit with them. 

At the time, I didn't know the social etiquette about this situation, so I remained with them as they didn't appear to need privacy, only talking. I felt a bit awkward about it, so I had many silent moments, where I just looked around and enjoyed the sunny day, cute birds and the shade we were in. Occasionally, I participated in their discussions, talking about books and a bit about other topics, too. 

I recently learned that this lack of knowledge about social graces that I have always had can stem from various factors : Asperger's syndrome, living in a sort of prison created by my father's religion cult, where my social interactions were severely stunted and very rare, and all my avoidant tendencies which resulted from social phobia. 

Despite my difficulties and the fact the park was quite full, during the 2 and half hour staying in the park, I managed to participate more and more easily with my friend and her boyfriend, and we left at 8:30 PM, only half an hour before closing time. 

It's only thanks to CBT exposure tasks that I managed to stay in the park this long ; the last time I could be there for more than 2 hours was over 3 years ago, before my breakdown. 
The last time I remained there as late as 8 PM must have been nearly a decade ago!

I felt very happy to have remained so long and after going back home, my friend sent me a message and we ended having a very interesting conversation about this exposure. She's the one I rely on the most (when my wife cannot be there) during social events we are both invited to. She had been there for me in many occasions and knows how to read my body language and it's thanks to her observation that she knew I was feeling awkward and which was why she had invited me to sit with them. I cannot ever express how thankful I am for you, Sophie! 

The rest of this month, I had gone through great lengths to go to the mall and other shops during rush hours, on purpose, so I could get my exposures. Usually, this turned out to be a bit pointless attempts, as the stores as well as public transports were much emptier than they were supposed to be. On the other hand, the very morning of this massive park exposure, I had gone to the mall on a calm hour, or so I thought : this time around, the mall was very full when I got there, as early as 10 AM. I was surprise but didn't back out as I would've had done just a few months ago. 
Instead, I remained there and did my shopping and when I got in line, waiting to pay, I had to concentrate on a waterfall wall, to avoid seing all the non-veg stuff that people were buying, as my carnophobia and emetophobia are intertwined, interwoven, just as much as other phobias.

I managed to pass the queue rather quickly and without incident, which is a major progress in a real rush hour situation, especially since no one accompanied me. 

As most of our friends have been busy, my other exposures this month included inviting Sophie one afternoon, and another friend for another afternoon ; as I'm quite at ease with both by now, these situations didn't cause any issues. 
We invited my mom for french mother's day which is today. 

I did manage a few skype sessions, with active listening and compliments, so difficulties aside and a few avoided situations, I have had many exposures this month - which is almost finished. 

I'm feeling quite positive about my achievements and though the road is still quite long ahead, the one behind leaves me with rewards and feelings of recovery. 

Even after a lifetime, recovery and healing are possible - but you must be ready for non-linear, difficult countryside, unmarked paths. Lots of dirt and bumps, detours and moments of stagnation can occur, but if you remain steadfast and patient, you can get anywhere!