241 - MHAW17 : Surviving or Thriving ?

***Multiple trigger warnings (including the hyper-linked blog entries : religious cult, conditioning, abuse, domestic violence, suicide***

May is mental health awareness month. In 2016, I had participated in #mhwk16 that Kristen had run for the first week and this year, I was too uninspired, tired and running everywhere to do anything for #mhaw17.

British Mental heath foundation chose this year's topic Surviving or thriving. All this week, I struggled and finally found what I can discuss. 



This story starts at the end of my teen years, at the verge of a new life. Indeed, At this point in time, I had been already abused for nearly 15 years. The last few of those were horrendous, because as soon as I was deemed "spiritually mature", I was subjected to far more tasks,  getting up even earlier than before, so I could attend the communal prayers after my private ones that were expanded in comparison to my pseudo-youthful innocence of an immature child. 

My father continued his conditioning techniques, and expressly forbade me from talking to any girl, under a death penalty that I knew was real. 

In time, I developed strong feelings towards my best friend's sister, (= M's sister), but couldn't approach her. My Damocles sword felt real and the inability to love and be loved had lead me to suicidal ideation and even attempts (which I discussed).

As nothing had worked, I'v given up my attempts, but also on living life. That's when I became severely ill with a disease that normally kills, but I didn't care to fight it, because I thought my death-wish being granted ; for many months, my body started shutting down. I had lost a lot of weight, because I couldn't eat much anymore. Towards the end, I could only eat bananas. But, against my wish to just wither away into nothingness, I had a surge of survival instinct that may have been the mystical experience I thought it was for many years, or a psychotic episode. I'm not sure anymore, but the end result was the same : I decided to fight for my life, accepting doctor's recommendations in diet, medication and eventually regained some strength. 

A few weeks later, there was an incident in which my father and I almost killed one another, and a few weeks further down the line, he summoned me to the most important discussion of my 15 long years with him : he told me part of the truth - that part that I had a biological mother, and this discussion was the cusp between my life with him, and my return to my home country, and maternal family from whom I had been cut all those long years. 

In my father's religious cult, I was merely surviving. I was surviving, but still experiencing trauma after trauma ; his many abuses and restrictions were my routine. I couldn't see a door out of my sorrows and difficulties, nor any point in living life and had, for a time, given up. In accepting to fight, I was still surviving, but had the goal of reuniting with my mother, and this helped my I healing from the disease that would've otherwise killed me. 

Ever since my return, I endeavored to work on my traumas, alone and with therapists, and although my circle of friendships has always been a difficult one to maintain, have found supportive people in the past, and more so in the last 2 years. 

The path from wounding to healing under my circumstances is a long one. Recovery may still be a bit of a fuzzy topic and I doubt that I can reach 100% healing- but any high enough % recovery so I can function in daily life and have fewer triggers should be good enough.

I enjoy life more than I ever did, despite of my various mental illnesses, especially depression, emotional numbing and occasional bouts of depersonalization. My life has vastly improved since my return to my home-country and maternal family. 

Although I'm not sure how much Thriving I am doing or have been doing these past couple decades, I know for sure that I am more than simply surviving my ordeals and traumas. 

Even in the darkest pits of despair, I had found that tiny sparkle of light. M and R had helped me crawl out of my tunnel and I found hope for a better life. 

Please don't even give up on yourself, no matter how long you have to wait and how much work you have to do to reach your goals, passing from your own wounds to your own healing, from surviving to thriving.

As the Vulcans say Live long, and prosper.