237- CBT2017- 19

Based on the previous sessions, I thought I'd report a lot of exposures and progress for my 19th CBT. After all, I had a whole month since the 18th session, so I naturally had high hopes. 

Instead, I have a feeling of stagnation, and having to continue another month with the same exact exposure tasks as my 18th session. 

But, as my wife, a few online friends and my therapist have all told me, I have had a lot of progress despite this stagnation. I didn't avoid social interactions more than a handful times - including 2 days when I could have gone to the parc to read as I had planed. 

April weather never tends to be nice enough to allow for many outdoor socializing. Even though I felt a bit antisocial, it came mostly from my burn-out and generalized fatigue for the past 3 weeks. I had given a lot of psychological efforts to avoid my usual cptsd anniversary's depressive and flashback effects, and after my massive success, my energy levels basically collapsed and I have to give myself time to recuperate from this fatigue and cut myself some slack, showing the self-kindness that I encourage in others. 

It's ok to have periods where our progress is slower than we'd hoped for ; it's ok to let time pass before renewing our efforts for one set of issues (in my case social phobias) when another, more pressing matter arises (this time it was cptsd-related). 

In the sense that I did win a huge battle and took control of a day that tended to be difficult, full of flashbacks, depression and often some kind of accident, disagreement or some other trigger to remind me of its ever-presence in my life, I did really well. I reassigned the meaning I was giving to that day in my life. I had even blogged about this and the other tools and thoughts behind the work, in case it would help other (c)ptsd sufferers. 

I also have to take into account that I didn't totally recluse this past month ; I had participated in twitter chats, as well as skyping and chatting with friends in 1:1 conditions, deepening friendships and this is such a vital and positive exposure in my life. 

I spent more time in stores, even going during rush hours, that I used to avoid like a plague, because of fear of huge queues and full public transportation- the phobia being stronger than my hate of waiting. 

All in all, I had achieved far more exposures than I had realized at first, because I was focusing too much on my expectations for a flawless fulfilling of my tasks. 

Before panicking about your impressions of failures, remember that every effort, even small, counts towards recovery, even if that effort doesn't yield immediate effects. Each will stack up towards a huge pile of efforts and effects, to ripen later like a fruit that started as a seed.

Recovery and healing are always possible -  with patience, work, and self-kindness, and any support that you can ask for. 

My 20th CBT session will be on June 6, which will mark my 14 year-vegan anniversary, so expect posts on or around that day, about both topics!