234- PTSD of abandonment (2)

Trigger warning : religious cult. Abuse. Domestic violence. Trauma. 

I pursue discussing this list of 36 characteristics found in ptsd of abandonnement. 

• Point 9 is Low self-esteem, low senses of entitlement and performance anxiety which are serious issues for me. In respect to ptsd of abandonment, they were at the core of many relationships where I had clung to toxic or otherwise wobbly friendships. I had let people use me, and it took many years before I could realize this pattern of repeated self-defeating and sabotaging my self-esteem – as each failed friendship further confirmed that I wasn’t able, because I didn’t feel entitled to better, more equal exchanges.

For a long time, I had feared that affirming that they hadn’t been respectful towards me, or had hurt my feelings would put me in bad light or that their departure would leave me totally alone. I couldn’t stand the confrontational nature of such talks, and the fear of loneliness had pushed me to accept toxicity, additional disrespect and hurt. 

• This goes with point 12, the difficulty of letting go, even when I knew the relationships didn’t meet my basic needs, and 13, as these were definitely self-neglectful and self-destructive behaviors, by accepting other’s abuse as a norm. I think it goes with point 25 as well, which is the difficulty of letting go because of attachement with an emotional epoxy, even when I know my partner is no longer able to fulfill my needs, or when I know the partner is not good for me. I just change the meaning of this definition to friendships and it goes well in this paragraph, I believe. 

I eventually learned that I was actually entitled to better, and decided not to settle for any less than my own worth. Once my wife and I had moved, I cut ties with my father altogether, and a few years later, took all my courage a step further and cut out the most toxic fake-friend I had had at that time. Since then, I have learned to discern my own patterns a bit more clearly as well as those toxic or one-sided friendships, and cut them out much faster.

I had done so even before I had ever knew of this ptsd of abandonment, but can now understand better all the factors of those experiences which brought me thus far and find it to be quite informative and positive.

• Throughout my life, even to this day and after having learned to request more balance in friendships, I oscillate between 11 (difficulty of letting go of losses) to current feelings of emotional detachment, as in,  numb to past losses from point 10.  

• Now, point 14 is an interesting point that may pertain also to other disorders I may suffer from, but at least to my late emotional blooming. It is the difficulty withstanding, and overacting to the customary emotional ups and downs in my adult relationships. Indeed, whenever people come and go, a normal person doesn’t overreact. A "normal" person just feels it’s a shame that it ended, they morn and can move on ; but with my cptsd and ptsd of abandonment, this can be a tough one. It feels like I am thrown away like an old towel full of holes.

Any disagreement or change in nature and frequency of talks can be felt like abandonment and neglect from the other person, and I end up obsessing at all that was said in our relationship.

Over-analyzing every little thing and letting emotional upsets grow out of proportions, until the balloon either bursts, or the person reassures me, or I end up popping that balloon myself and break-off the friendship as self-prevention against a person’s quitting on me.

• Similarly, point 15, is the difficulty working ordinary levels of conflict and disappointments in my relationships.  Conflicts, disagreements, and animated discussions tear me emotionally and drain me physically. This in my opinion is emphasized due to me experiences with domestic violence. Actively witnessing fights and verbal abuse between my father and my step-mother left strong impact in my psyche, and my emotional growth was stunted. I didn’t learn how to cope with those yet, and cannot even watch heavy DV on tv as it triggers me very quickly. I have had very rare exceptions to this, on rare days I feel emotionally stronger, but otherwise I tend to avoid.

• Point 17, whenever I feel someone rejects me, or my opinions through criticism or seem to exclude me from discussions into which I always have difficulties joining to begin with, I am extremely sensitive and can overreact to a point of dissociating, closing into my own shell and I become unresponsive. My depersonalization and conditioning worsen this tendency, because I wasn’t allowed to even have my own ideas and opinions. I was supposed to be a robot-disciple and express only the religious precepts I had been fed.  Thus, although I'v learned to express my own opinions a bit more confidently, I still wobble when they are challenged beyond my capacity to discuss or "protect". 

Continued in part 3.