233- PTSD of abandonment (1)

***Trigger warning : religious cult. Abuse. Domestic violence. Trauma. ***


From 24 previous entries about my cptsd, you may know by now that I experienced multiple and repeated traumatic events in my life, and that the issues of trauma and the ways to manage and recover from them are important to me.

The singular key moment occurred when I was just over 4 years old: my father used his visitation rights during school holidays and decided not to return me to my maternal family at its end. Instead, he kidnapped and uprooted me to a whole different country.

Although for a while I thought my step-mother was my real one, I did eventually learn the truth that I was living with a father who abused both me and his newer wife, and that she hated me quite vehemently.

In fact, I was never told that I was loved. I was never hugged. Rare gifts I'd receive from other family members were all confiscated, from objects to money. 

In time, I realized that my real mother wasn’t there and she wasn’t arriving to snatch me away and save me from all my ordeals and this had created a whole host of other problems that I didn’t address much yet, but only recently found a name for: cptsd of abandonment.

This link lists 36 characteristics of this particular disorder, which I shall have to break down for a fuller discussion. 
After reading all 36, I find that they can be grouped as 24 statements of “this can be”, and the others are “can be A, or can be B”, or “you may alternate between A & B but never experience them at the same time towards the same person, because they are mutually exclusive”. This is the case for all those starting with the word "conversely". 

• I can group points 1 & 2 as I find they are related, but first, the factors:

a kidnapping, a hateful step-mother, absence of a real caring and loving mother for a decade and a half.  Years of verbal abuse, depersonalization and conditioning in a religious cult can be difficult enough, but when the leader is my own father, I can see the absolute logic that I’d be almost bound to develop intrusive insecurities and intense fears of abandonment, interfering with forming friendships, starting in my childhood and continuing into adulthood.

I have often feared that a friend would quit and leave me, so I often kept on the ready, just in case something would indeed go wrong. Whenever I'd notice changes of a person's interaction or reduced frequency, I’d obsess and ruminate over what I could have done wrong. Questions such as “did I say too much ? not enough? Did I hurt this friend? Did I Ignore ? Did I suffocate this person too? Did I lack that empathy I usually have too much of ? “would spin over and over in my mind, causing severe headaches and the sheer stress of it seems to also cause a hardened chest, as if it turns into a brick.

• Closely related is point 5  which is the propensity to subject myself to situations where I will experience more loss, rejection and or/ trauma, with that of point 4, a tendency to self-defeating behaviors which sabotage my endeavors. 

In the sense of friendships, I had clung to people for many years, out of fear of not meeting new and better ones. I let many abuse and use me as free shrink, hotel or restaurant – always giving and getting nothing, or almost, in return. Indeed, lacking self-esteem (point 9), how could I entertain the idea that I was worth much more equal and balanced friendships back then?

I find that it’s only in the past few years that I finally learned how to bond with nicer people, by being more selective in whom I chose to invest my friendship and efforts, and to stand up my ground to the other ones, those one-sided pseudo-friendships of people who actually didn’t respect me but abused my kindness.

I may always continue fighting my inner fears and insecurities, but I’v learned some of my qualities which attract others to call me a friend and to confide in me ; it takes time to find the right balance between keeping a certain distance, but also taking risks and trusting enough to bond and give people the efforts they deserve.

• Point 4 in self-defeating behavior mixed with point 3 regarding extreme anxiety with authority figures : off course, fearing the first figure which was my father and his wrathful punishments and abuses created a distorted image of what a superior would expect of me and what I’d endure if I faltered. I know consciously that my job performance wouldn't meet such extremes, but I also remember some hostile work environment and a few verbal attacks and hurtful jokes made at my expense which I hadn't dared confront nor stand up for myself when co-workers who had a form of authority over me had called me names or made very insensitive jokes about my veganism. 

Making eye contact has always been an issue ; this is true in all social situations, including with friends, but also other interpersonal exchanges with therapists, advisers and potential employers during interviews. 

Hoping to both please superiors and co-workers enough by doing my job, and finding a balance between asking questions to show that I’m interested, but not after their job, and humble enough on the one side, but not overly lacking in my own confidence (point 9) was always tricky in a job environment and thus far, I sadly cannot say that I made enough progress in these aspects, though I did manage to hold jobs and had reached certain efficiency and autonomy. I’m a WIP.

• Points 6, and 7 or 8:

Intrusive reawakening of old losses, echoes of old feelings

Heightened memories of traumatic separations/events OR memory blocks.

I used to be more into point 7, but over the past few years, this part shifted into memory losses, not just of some of my traumas, but also of more general life details. For ill or for not, I have forgotten a lot of things that may be gone forever or resurface in some months, or years. As a result of my previous heightened memories, I had indeed experienced reawakening old losses that would trigger self-defeating behaviors (4) but this is mostly not the case anymore. 

> series continued in part 2.