229 - 2 Friends helped me back out of the abyss

Mild Trigger warning

Growing up in a religious cult with a very strict upbringing was very tough. I was subjected to many abuses, mind control/depersonalization techniques, and my life conditions were dire. 

Since my youngest age of life there, I developed depression and the each trauma created a host of side-effect cptsd and other mental illnesses from which I still suffer as an adult. 

But, If it hadn't been for two key people, my life would have ended in my teens as depression had driven me to the brink of the most absolute hole I had sank into. The abyss wasn't far ; I was right in the middle of a suicidal abyss.


Among my classmates, M was a a guy who introduced me to music and showed me a different kind of family life. Indeed, during those rare times I was allowed outside of school-direct-to-home or shopping-direct-to-home trips, M had invited me to his place. His family members were mostly hard of hearing, or completely deaf. Despite this, they weren't abusive to one another, contrary to my own home. 

They gave me a different perspective of family interaction, with respect and communicating in a very unique way - which I learned since then as sign language. 

M took me under his wing, so to speak. He not only introduced me to music (including bands I still love today)  but also supported me unconditionally and without knowing my circumstances because I couldn't talk about any of it. He simply recognized my pain, and extend his support, his ear and taught me the first lessons of what friendship should be.

Part of my cult life was that of a male Cinderella. Among my tasks, I had to go shopping, starting with the supermarket and a few other stores next to it- all neatly located not far from home. I was supposed to do this by following a list, be fast and not talk to anyone. Yet, I started talking and eventually befriended R. She worked at the bakery section at the entrance of the supermarket. 

Outside of my Cinderella duties, I wasn't supposed to go to that supermarket - I was forbidden from it expressly with threats of physical beatings and privations of meals. 

R knew a tad bit about these circumstances and I had shown her who my step-mother and my dad's followers were.  She could warn me if they were there whenever I'd dare disobey my orders, and she saved me from many beatings - though not all. 

R also knew about my punishments of withheld meals, so she would regularly offer me some of the pastries and other baked goods that were slightly less appealing and which her superiors would have made her throw away (when there was nothing wrong with them at all, it was just a question of slightly less attractive looking results in the baking process). 

As a teen, I developed strong feelings towards R, who was only a few years older than I. As a confused kid, I thought it was romantic love, but in the end, R was the mother I wished I had during those few years that I still believed my step-mom was actually my real one. R fed me not only food but also supported and protected me like the image of an ideal mother I had in my mind and the love I actually felt for her was that of a kind friend who was there for me in awful moments as she taught me to open up and talk, even a bit, about my difficult life conditions. 

Both M & R marked my life with their endless support and multiple helping hands and acts of generosity, literally saving me from any beatings and neglect, and in the case of M even my life. 

If it hadn't been for them, none of the positive events that flowed from remaining alive would have happened. They pulled me out of the abyss, each with her and his unique ways and I'm still here today many years later, alive and doing much better than I was - even though I'm suffering, I suffer less, thanks to the lessons they gave me in friendship. 

The main results of these 2 friendships are ever-lasting thirst for knowledge, communication, passion for music, and the will to entertain deep, meaningful friendships more than shallow weather-talk ones. 

Their example showed me that having and practicing compassion and helping others doesn't always end up badly - though we all have some difficult experiences with abusive and toxic friends as well as though we simply don't click with. 

I made it a personal mission to show kindness to others, always offering my friendship and help. I try not to be overbearing but I won't apologize to anyone for having offered, only for having inadvertently hurt feelings or suffocating when I don't want to. I'll discuss this aspect of my difficulties in friendships in 2 more blog posts in preparation as I only started understanding this aspect. 

In the meantime, thank you for having read me. I hope you understand me a bit better and can see how positive and important it is to reach out to someone, either ask for help when you need it, or offer it even and especially when you have nothing to gain. There are some people out there, who are decent, good and generously offer their kindness and compassion ; R & M showed it to me, and I hope that I show it to you. 

Being in someone's corner isn't only important, it's vital... (more on that, in yet another post).