223- Attending parties/ social phobia (3)

As a child, I never attended friend's birthday parties. I barely was included in my half siblings' ones and hated my own... Over the years, I developed an acute hatred of parties and as my introversion and avoidance grew, my social skills dwindled and wilted. 

Once an adult and back with my maternal family, I continued this odd relationship with parties, attending the ones for the family but non of the ones they invited me to attend at friends and more distant relatives. My avoidance became routine. 

When a close friend turned 50 and invited us to his party where I knew very few people, I had to decline and this was the catalyst for my CBT : I  was tired of avoiding, missing out and having to disappoint friends, even on milestone parties. 

During the past 10 months of therapy and incremental exposures, I still generally declined most invitations, but not all. I started to accept once in a while. A friend who visited us a few times this past year or so invited us to her birthday party, in a small committee, inviting her closest friends only. As I knew all of these, I accepted the offer, even though I knew that I hadn't previously met her boyfriend and that I could experience some anxiety because of that. 

As she and all the other friends have been aware of my social phobias, I asked her beforehand to tell her boyfriend about it, so he wouldn't be surprised, and also since he's not veggie or vegan, to request that he doesn't have non veg foods there because of my particular sensitivities to the presence of such foods. 

He seemed to be understanding and have been cooking veg meals for our friend/host. He made us all a nice meal and left with 2 of his buddies so our party consisted of 3 of our friends, and a 12 year girl (daughter of one of those buddies, or cousin, I got a bit confused about that part), and off course, the b-day friend and myself. So, we were 6. 

My wife couldn't attend, so I got an important exposure where I couldn't rely on her nor run 

back home, as I depended on a friend to drive me back - about 25-30 minutes drive away. 

As I had asked the host friend a couple weeks ago when she extended the invitation to the party, she showed me the bathroom as well as a room I could retreat to, if needed, to recollect if I felt bad. 

Our host's boyfriend and buddies came back around 10PM (we'd arrived around 7:15 if am not mistaken), 1 left shortly after, so for the second half of the party, we were 8. 

I was surprised that despite medium anxiety, which grew slightly for the second half of the party but not overly so ; and a rather introspective silence from my part most of the evening, I didn't experience any panic attack to cause any retreat, nor even nausea. 

The only main effects were a higher than usual bladder activity, which is rather common for me, some constipation and an introvert silence. 

So, I went to the loo 10 or 12 times during the 6 hour party, but experienced no panic at all. I knew what to do, where to go, and had even taken my lavender essential oil anti-anxiety lip-balm to smell in case of high anxiety, but it never came. 

I'm sure that having openly discussed my difficulties and asking for patience as well as knowing where to go have helped to keep my anxiety from flaring. 

I knew that in case of extreme discomfort, I could count on help from S, our closest friend from the group, who drove me there and had already accompanied me to other events before and had been very aware of my difficulties. When we left the party, we talked about it and she had indeed been keeping an eye on me and was under the impression I was handling the evening rather well. I thanked her and told her that I had indeed counted on her, based on those previous occasions. 

During the party, I didn't talk as much as i wished, but still managed more than my usual in similar conditions. I didn't unwind to dare participating in the karaoke game, either. But, overall, I had fun and handled myself pretty well and feel a definite success in this exposure and hope to do better on the next invitations. 

I'm pretty proud of myself and progress is very noticeable. 3 Years ago, I was incapable of attending, yet alone staying for 6 hours so far from home in a place I didn't know and couldn't run away from, so late at night!

Recovery is possible - it's not a straight line, but with patience, work, support and openly discussing our difficulties, we can eventually learn and overcome our  anxieties in social situations. 

The secret, I think, relies also on self-kindness, accepting our limits, and when we can, push them a bit out of our comfort zones but not beyond our capacities. 

talking openly may get you odd looks from some people, but good friends will do their best to help, even those who don't suffer from anything and don't totally understand what you are going through. Good friends make all the efforts to put you at ease, only if you tell them beforehand this is what I can do, this is not. 

There is no shame in admitting, nor asking which room you can retire and recollect from anxiety, so you can go back to the party after a few minutes. No one who truly cares about you will judge you for that. 

Remember, recovery is possible. Be patient with yourself and your hosts who may not always know what you are going through. Be open, and kind to yourself, and to thank your host for the invitation. If you stutter because you're anxious or feel emotional, that's ok, too. 

I defo have a lot to discuss in tomorrow's CBT session! 

PS this entry is called Attending parties/ social phobia (3) though there were a few more invitations that I had accepted but hadn't nlogged about under the same name, or not made any relevant entries because these were smaller venues. I cannot backtrack and recount them. 

All these exposures were part of my CBT2017-17 

This entry follows the previous 2 and could have sequels from now on.