235 -PTSD of abandonnement (3)

Trigger warning : religious cult. Abuse. Domestic violence. Trauma. 

(read parts 1 & 2)

• Third part of this series, I’m leaving points 18-21 out of it, and go straight to 22, difficulty naming my feelings or sorting through an emotional fog. This goes in pair with my cptsd emotional numbing that interferes with the hyper-emotional part of my personality and which I had felt most of my life. This can be problematic in any relationship because I sometimes just cannot tell if I care about a person or if I feel complete disgust. 

Luckily, this hasn’t been an issue with my wife, but with some friends and acquaintances, it has been an issue and I try to take my time to discover what my feelings are before acting (though there have been occurrences where my dissociation caused overreaction or rash decisions and I cut out friendships or not forgiven people’s hurtful /neglectful attitudes to me).

234- PTSD of abandonment (2)

Trigger warning : religious cult. Abuse. Domestic violence. Trauma. 

I pursue discussing this list of 36 characteristics found in ptsd of abandonnement. 

• Point 9 is Low self-esteem, low senses of entitlement and performance anxiety which are serious issues for me. In respect to ptsd of abandonment, they were at the core of many relationships where I had clung to toxic or otherwise wobbly friendships. I had let people use me, and it took many years before I could realize this pattern of repeated self-defeating and sabotaging my self-esteem – as each failed friendship further confirmed that I wasn’t able, because I didn’t feel entitled to better, more equal exchanges.

233- PTSD of abandonment (1)

***Trigger warning : religious cult. Abuse. Domestic violence. Trauma. ***


From 24 previous entries about my cptsd, you may know by now that I experienced multiple and repeated traumatic events in my life, and that the issues of trauma and the ways to manage and recover from them are important to me.

The singular key moment occurred when I was just over 4 years old: my father used his visitation rights during school holidays and decided not to return me to my maternal family at its end. Instead, he kidnapped and uprooted me to a whole different country.

232- I’m not only vegan...

I know, this is an odd post... you'd think it's not totally about mental health, but read on... 

Ok, I need to say this. I’m not only vegan.

I’m also extremely sensitive and have some kind of ptsd phobias that are triggered in split second from seeing non-veg meals and all kinds of corpses and bloodies, wounded animals, notably those shared in campaigns against hunting, fishing, and all kinds of other animal abuses on this planet.

231- A bucket-load of anxieties

Throughout my life, I had defined myself as a worrywart, a chronic worrier. Indeed, I worried about quite a lot of things, especially since I grew up in my dad's religious cult, where
In the past few years, I've learned so much about mental illnesses, recovery, and of the importance of understanding one's own health, as well of openly talking as a tool of self-expression and raising awareness. 

230- Conditioning, Depersonalization and reacquiring lost self

Trigger warning : religious cult, abuse, trauma. 

Life in a religious cult is a very difficult one, especially when you don't even chose to follow a particular path when you are presented with documentation from those door-to-door or street preachers. 

I was born into that cult my dad had made-up, from a mix of his life,  his mental illnesses and the mystical period everyone was experiencing back then. I thought that everyone around me was living in the same conditions. 

229 - 2 Friends helped me back out of the abyss

Mild Trigger warning

Growing up in a religious cult with a very strict upbringing was very tough. I was subjected to many abuses, mind control/depersonalization techniques, and my life conditions were dire. 

Since my youngest age of life there, I developed depression and the each trauma created a host of side-effect cptsd and other mental illnesses from which I still suffer as an adult. 

But, If it hadn't been for two key people, my life would have ended in my teens as depression had driven me to the brink of the most absolute hole I had sank into. The abyss wasn't far ; I was right in the middle of a suicidal abyss.

228 - Spring is great!

After long months of autumn and winter where nature dwindled to replenish itself and weather became colder and colder, it's always a pleasure to meet again with Spring. Slowly, nature's rebirth yields vibrancy; plants grow more visibly and offer a cornucopia of colors, attracting all kinds of living beings : birds, insects, and my favorite of those : butterflies, who molt from their chrysalises. They flutter about, landing on beautiful flowers, sometimes posing long enough for me to photograph them in many angles - though sometimes they are very skittish, or land in un-photogenic positions. 

227- ptsd relief and growth

Many sufferers of post-traumatic stress experience intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and/ or nightmares. It's not easy to block out the onslaught of images popping into our minds, even when we are awake and active during the day. These thoughts and images can occur at work, while driving or walking, or any other activity. 

226- Talents

I had to actually consult my wife to see more clearly into my talents as I automatically thought of grandiose things I cannot do. Although this 52weekgratitude challenge week 14 is asking for one talent, am sure others will ask for a few more so I can redirect and reuse this post in the future.

225- CBT2017-18

Coming closer to the end of social phobia CBT, I had my 18th session just a few days ago (3rd of April).

I got behind in blogging about it, but it's not very important to always post the same day. 

224- Posttraumatic cycles (2)

Post-traumatic anniversaries have never been easy to deal with. If you recall, I discussed this already last year.  Most early Aprils the past 2 decades have been difficult, with the exception of 2 of those years since reuniting with my maternal family. 

223- Attending parties/ social phobia (3)

As a child, I never attended friend's birthday parties. I barely was included in my half siblings' ones and hated my own... Over the years, I developed an acute hatred of parties and as my introversion and avoidance grew, my social skills dwindled and wilted. 

Once an adult and back with my maternal family, I continued this odd relationship with parties, attending the ones for the family but non of the ones they invited me to attend at friends and more distant relatives. My avoidance became routine.